Waiting for home treatment. Terrified- what do I say to them? *trigger warning*

[Loveisashadow]

I am waiting for home treatment today. I've had psychosis and depression for a while (about 8 months). I haven't got psychosis now, just depression. I've been feeling suicidal lately. I just tried to end my life.I stopped because I was scared. Home treatment are coming between 10-1 today. Scared. Don't know what to tell them.
I don't want to die, but can't be alive eithier. My dd needs me. I feel weird. How do I ask them for help, what do I say?
Anyone around to hand hold would be appreciated.

Hi. They'll be here soon and they will ask you questions so that they can help you. You just need to be absolutely honest with them.

Tell us about your daughter. How old is she? Is she with you now?

She's 7. She is at school. She is safe. I always say I'd never do anything when she is physcially with me. I thought I could get through the day without doing anything but I felt compelled by forces beyond my control. Very scared.

I'm so sorry. Do you have a photo of her you could look at to remind yourself why you couldn't upset her?

Did you have treatment for the psychosis? I'm so glad that's gone now. Depression is a terrible thing - no wonder you feel awful.

Could you have a hot drink now and maybe something to eat?

Tell them just as you are telling us on here: You feel you cannot be alive, you feel out of control, you feel forces compelling you, you don't think you'd do anything harmful with your daughter present.

There's nothing correct or false to say.
Tell them as best you can what you feel and what you are thinking.

I hope you find a sympathetic ear

Tell them what you've told us.

Tell will ask questions if there's anything else they need to know.
Make yourself a cup of tea, you did well to call them.
Good luck.

They have suggested respite or hospital on a voluntary basis.

hi love
sorry your still having a shit time.
whats the difference between respite and hospital?
can you chose?

They said I can choose whatever I like for now, in respite I could come and go as I pleased. Means I could go home to feed my cats etc. In hospital, I wouldn't get much choice about things like that. I am scared either way. None of it would be under a section or anything, so it's all entirely my choice.

Have you thought about what you'll do now? Who would look after your daughter if you went to hospital?

My friend has got my dd and is happy to have her for a few days. I think respite might give me some time out, but home treatment might also work for me. I feel much calmer knowing that they are going to help me

It must feel good to be able to give the responsibility to a HCP for a while. You've been through an awful lot and you're so young. Why not go to respite for a while and let people care for you?

I'm waiting for home treatment to phone me after their meeting. They will tell me what they have decided then. I feel much better, calmer now I know they are going to help. It's strange to explain, but I feel there are 2 people inside me, arguing all of the time.

Did they phone you? That must be really horrible, feeling you've got two people arguing inside you. Have you talked to the people about that?

They phoned me. They haven't got any respite beds, so I'm having home treatment instead. They say it will take a few days for my meds to kick in. I feel safer, much calmer, than I did earlier.

so glad your feeling better love,
positive thinking xxx

So glad you're feeling better. Don't forget to come back on here and let us know how you are over the next few days, won't you?

I will. I don't think I'm out of trouble yet. My cpn said my medication will take a few days to kick in. The dose had been reduced due to side effects, but it's clear that I need the increased dose. It's been increased now, back to what it was. I always had these dark thoughts, but my medication kept a lid on it before.

I am so glad that you feel calmer and safer in the knowledge that you are being looked after.

Hoping that things will continue to improve

Thank you.

Hope you continue to feel better.

Thanks cream . Hope things are ok with you, saw you on the village thread.

I understand exactly about not wanting to be alive but not actually wanting to die. Glad you are getting help. Depression is such a horrible illness.

Just to update- home treatment are seeing me every other day now, and hopefully my dd will be coming back from friends very soon. My increased meds are helping, I've been sleeping, walking and generally doing things at home to keep me busy until dd comes back. She keeps me more than occupied when she's here.