Insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks

[buggersleep]

I've namechanged for this - feel very raw.

I feel as though I'm reaching the end of my tether with insomnia. Virtually every night I'm awake at 3.00 or even earlier and I rarely go back to sleep. I'm constantly worried and it's getting worse.

I work for myself from home as a freelance writer and I have just lost a major plank of my income (a retainer that acted as my 'salary' that I could rely on every month). Now my income is completely uncertain. My husband is in a stressful, relatively low paid and insecure job (temp contract). I have been the main breadwinner for a number of years. We are both in our 50s. 2 children (age 10 and 15). No real savings apart from very small pension pots (have never been part of company pension schemes). Just before I lost my retainer we had booked a holiday abroad as a 25th anniversary treat. It's all bought and paid for but now I keep thinking 'If only I had known I'd have been able to use the money differently'. Things keep going wrong in the house and need replacing - £200 here, £300 there... all massive cases of bad timing.

I've been a bad sleeper for years but at the moment it's at a level that I don't feel I can cope with. I keep waking up in a state of sheer panic, thinking what if I can't replace this lost income? (In reality it will be difficult - I work in a very ageist profession). How can I get a job that pays enough to cover the bills we have? How are we going to cope as we get older, with no safety net other than a state pension?

My DH is on anti depressants (has been for years) and much as he tries to help, I cannot 'fall back' and expect him to catch me, financially or emotionally. I feel as though my life is flailing out of control. Professionally, I have painted myself into a corner. We are at an age where our friends in good, steady jobs are looking forward to another 5-10 years of steady work and then a relatively comfortable retirement. The thought of growing older and losing the capacity to work/earn fills me with dread.

I know, realistically, that the situation is not as bad as I think it is, but I seem unable to get myself out of it. The situation (always worrying) is beginning to affect my kids.

I don't know if I am depressed. If I could just count on a good night's sleep every night it would help.

Has anyone been there/got any advice?

The not sleeping alone sounds incredibly difficult, OP, I feel a lot of sympathy for you there (well, for all of your post, but especially the sleep!). Sleep deprivation makes everything so much harder. Can you stick a temporary plaster on it, and get some sleeping aids? I take something that helps every time called Doxylamine which you don't need a prescription for. Or going to the GP would be a good idea.
Can you take naps in the day? Even an hour here or there could make a good difference to your mood.

I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice but didn't want to read and run. I'm sure you'll find something- you won't end up destitute, silly! Maybe you could think of the search for a job as your job for now. You'll be absolutely fine. This is just a rocky patch. Enjoy your holiday, you definitely deserve it! (and congrats on the 25th anniversary)

Thanks so much velour, after my early morning ramblings I decided to go to the docs and got an appointment yesterday. After listening she said 'I think you could be depressed' and I just burst into tears and said 'yes I think I am!'

Trouble is I have thought of myself for so many years as the one who has to stay on top of stuff, it's hard to admit I need help too.

Anyway she prescribed me Zopiclone sleeping tablets for a month and Citalopram (DH is on Citalopram too). I asked if counselling would be an option and she said that the trouble with that was that I'm quite aware of what is making me depressed, It's not a case of needing to change my perception, but just giving my serotonin a boost so I feel capable of taking charge and changing my situation.

I took half a sleeping tablet last night and had a great night's sleep. Mind you I was shattered - the doc told me to go to bed no earlier than 11.30 as if i was only going to sleep 4 hours, it would be better to get that when it mattered.

Feeling quite positive today. If I can avoid waking up panicking, I tend not to panic too much during the day.

Hi just read this, ive just started on citalopram. Im on day 6 of taking the tablet so not feeling the effects yet only a few sides effects. I have bad anxiety and panic attacks which are really getting me down now.

I'm on day 3. Feeling nauseous a lot of the time but it's just something you have to push through, apparently. The sleeping tablets aren't having much of an effect but am only taking half a day. Am going to take a whole one tonight.