When does it get better?

[Arkkorox]

So the last few months have been manic.

I'm not coping with it all changing so much.

After realising I wasn't getting anywhere and DP giving me a wake up call I needed I closed my company and went to work FT. Great, loved it. Meant we could save for a house properly while I lived with my gran and cared for her at night times. Dp lives with his parents so he can clear his debt before we go anywhere near mortgages. Dp gets made redundant. Then I find out after a month at my new job I'm pregnant, not just a little bit - 35 weeks. Then my gran died. Then dd was born. Then the first few weeks with a newborn - still living in my grans house with dp there most nights. Dps dad suddenly dies. He can't cope, his mum can't cope, we've suddenly gone from being right on track to just.... Shit.

Now I'm on the council list and benefits as its looking likely I'm not going to be able to go back to work (childcare costs round here are extortionate)
Dp is of course now away more supporting his poor mum. And trying to come to terms with it all. Not working again yet.

I'm trying to cope on my own with dd ( who is a very easy baby in all fairness) so I don't put more pressure on DP, I don't know any other mums, I'm terrified of going to baby groups cause I'll be judged for being fat/formula feeding/a shit mum.

This wasn't how it was meant to go. And I'm struggling with dealing with it.

Not even sure what I want from this post. Feel like I'm drowning.

We're early 20s btw.

Just someone tell me it will be fine in the end?

It will be fine in the end.

What a lot that's hapoened though! It must have been a huge shock finding out about the pregnancy. How are you feeling in general? If things are very overwhelming then you might have PND.

Do you have a children's centre near you? They can be fantastic for groups like messy monsters/stay and play. You'll find lots of different moms there. I understand about not wanting to be judged, I'm a real introvert, but the groups can be helpful.

I think I'm ok generally. Bit tearful sometimes but that's to be expected I guess. Dd is only 3 months old so a bit little for most things at the moment. I have days where I really have to force myself to even take the dog out. I haven't had a great day today but me and DP are a bit rocky at the mo and a chat last night didn't really make me feel much better.

I just want to fast forward through this bit. To the bit where we can buy and house and watch dd play in the garden. My parents - especially my dad- have been brilliant but they thing dp should Be working etc now. Which I do get but they don't understand that he's trying to sort everything out single handedly since his dad passed.

That must have been a real shock for you both to find out at 35 weeks pregnant. Be kind to yourself. Most people get nine months to get their head around expecting a baby. As Evadne says, use the children's centres, they are so good and not judgemental. Get your name down for baby massage, just ring the children's centre and they will put you down. it puts three or four mums with babies the same age together, they show you how to give them a lovely massage then you get to sit with a cup of tea and get to know the other mums with no pressure. I hope everything works out for you and your little family.

It is very difficult set of circumstances. A fast forward button would be brilliant! It's good that your parents are supportive.
I don't have much in the way of help to offer. My DH and I lost three parents in the space of 18 months so I know how difficult it is to see your DP like this.

YY to baby massage! kavv is right. Just having a few things to go out and do helps keep the day/week moving.

You poor thing, it will be fine on the end and you've done really well to.come through it. And for what its worth about half of the other mums at baby group will be fat, formula feeding, and think they are shit mums, so maybe give it a go. Xx

Ye Gads! You're coping/have coped with so much in such a short space of time All massive life events that usually happen over years and years. So by any stretch of the imagination you are doing spectacularly well under the circumstances.

It will get much better. Bit by bit. And the good stretches will increase. And when you are happily ensconced in your home with your family, it will be all the more sweeter because of the shit you went through to get there.

I'm sorry for your losses. I guess it's nice that you each have each other to lean during this difficult time. Plus it's entirely natural to feel like you're drowning at the moment! Allow yourself to grieve and accept all and any lifelines offered. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

I've found a baby sensory taster session that's on tomorrow not too far from me. I think I'm going to make myself go to that. I need to for my own sanity!

Thank you, it makes a difference being able to just talk to people who aren't ' in' the situation if that makes sense?

That sounds brilliant

Good luck! It is hard. I have run the gauntlet of being a new mum feeling rubbish and fat and feeling like your choices aren't 'right', and looking at the glam mummies and thinking they were judging.

I have made friends with those other mums now and can honestly report that they all felt exactly the same way as I did. The glam ones were often the most anxious, struggling underneath but trying to slap some control on the situation by maintaining their outward appearance. Not always the case I know, but worth remembering if you have a wobble. Just take one step at a time!

Baby sensory is fab :) I struggled when DD2 was tiny in very different yet incredibly difficult circumstances. Baby sensory was the one thing stuck at.

It does get better I promise.

I was a new Mum with DD2 btw (just realised it would not look as though that was the case). DD1 and DD2 are dtwins. DD1 died in hospital as both DD1 and DD2 were early, Hence the comment about difficult circumstances. I felt very different to everyone else as DD2 was tiny and I wsa grieving for DD1 (still am!)

I stand by my words, it does get easier. One step at a time :)

Oh I'm so so sorry you lost your baby. A Friend lost her little boy last year and it was heartbreaking to watch from the sidelines.

Thank you for your messages ladies. It means a lot xx