Need support but services making things worse

[elementofsurprise]

Firstly I feel I need to 'fess up - I'm not a mum I hope I get to be one day and knowing I may never is one of the reasons life seems so pointless and hopeless. I'm turning 30 soon so trying to tell myself there's plenty of time and focus on the other stuff...

But I also keep ending up at mumsnet when I google things to try and find someone else who has been here, so I can maybe figure out what to do or how to go on. Also people here seem to have a good, sensible grip on things and sort of straight talk in a way it's hard to find in real life.

Anyway... I'm severely depressed, with anxiety and chronic low-level trauma running through it all. I was clearly unwell throughout my teen years (though tried to hide it) and when I sought help as a young adult was basically hurriedly diagnosed BPD and refused all therapy or anything. Was treated like a waste of space and they seemed to think my problem was asking them for help, and I should just be fine.

I question the diagnosis as I didn't fit the symptoms and entered services by politely asking for help, not a suicide attempt or self-ham through A&E or anything. (Not that people shoud be treated badly with BPD either.) Obvs as they wouldn't help thigs got worse and police used to take me to them a lot, this sort of thing increased their view I was just an attention-seeking waste of space. They would not listen to me, try to understand me or treat me resonably.

Fast forward a few years and although life was better etc., I ended up breaking down, in a depressed haze kind of way. Wasn't used to feeling crap without bad stuff going on, then nightmares and memories started and I realised it was all because I'd never actually dealt with that stuff when it was happenning. Although in addition I still find myself frustrated with the hypocrises and other weird stuff humans do gets to me sometimes, trying to find my place in all that, having been a 'people pleaser' trying not to 'make a mistake' all my life. Lost my job when I broke down and have now been 4.5 years with no help from services - I've tried, and get pushed from pillar to post, referrals refused, told I'm on waiting lists when I'm not, and eventually finanly discharged with strict instructions to my GP not to re-refer me because apparently I can't work with them because I "feel too let down" by them.

I don't even have any diagnosis at all atm - which is horrible, i'm scared it's going to throw up problems, like they're saying there's nothing wrong with me. They also are making out I have BPD (I definitely don't meet the criteria now) although they won't put it on my notes (I'm scared to push them on this as having it on there properly would be even worse!) Basically they just refuse to listen to me/take in nything I say, and seem to constantly try to get everything to fit their inaccurate view of me. If I try to question them or explain it's seen as further proof of how awful I am. Even my GP who had seemed to care now appears to have lost interest/absorbed some of the horrible things they think about me. It feels like they are hoping I will kill myself, and I do keep thinking about it as the only way out. I hate the way they see me as some weird, incurale 'complex case' who just needs to 'manage' not actually have a chance to heal.

I see a therapist privately who seems very concerned and acually contacted them/broke confidentiality because she was so concerned. She has expressed surpirse at how they treat me but is obviously being careful what she says. Frustratingly, the 'deep' stuff that therapy brings up is on hold as I'm struggling just to get by/get out of bed/eat. So I'm not actually getting better anymore.

The way the services treat me is contributing greatly to how bad things are atm. I feel like I could fight on if only there was a vaguey supportive attitude, insted of a blaming/damning one. It's this horrible situation where I'm expected to feel good about myself and press on, yet the very fact that my struggles are viewed as me ''being bad' or 'not trying hard enough' actually drags me down. (Just exited a relationship where this was the case too.) Rather than encouraging, it's punitive and I feel a failure. I don't even want them to do much anymore, just appear to care. It's the same in life too I'm so worn out with having to pretend everything's fine and smile in order to maintain social contact. Not quite everyone, but I don't really have anyone I can truly open up to, mainly because it's all so complicated it takes ages to explain where I'm coming from, and/or people simply don't believe how bad services are/how bad I feel. Others in my life have their own struggles so it's not appropriate to burden them.

I automatically 'put on a face' when around people, so any way to try and get help or even speak to someone ends up with me a drifty, robotic character and they can't see the pain/it's locked inside. Difficult as services see me as quite the opposite - a hysterical attention-seeker - so the read things quite differently. This post is robotic like that, as I have tried to outine things without emotions. Please knowthe emotions are dragging e down like a lead weight in my stomach, and have been getting worse for weeks - but there is nowhere to turn.

Advice is welcome, thank you for reading.

What kind of services are in place and what would you like to be in place?

How are the services making things worse? Think I need that explained a bit more clearly?

Sounds like the NHS services are refusing mental health treatment now? That's not ok.

There are a couple of options depending on what's in place in your local area as every NHS Trust does things differently. Check if there is an advocacy service or a service user organisation in your borough, both can be helpful in making a complaint or talking to service managers. There should also be a complaints service you can approach yourself, details are usually available on the Trust's website.

It might be worth trying to get an idea in your mind about what sort of support you would want from NHS services. Access to crisis team, medication, therapy etc?

Basically there are no services in place (just private therapy paid for by PIP).

I suppose I'd like a CPN to sort of monitor things, weekly/fortnightly appointment, kind of thing. And theoretically I'd like therapy, although as I've built up a relationship with the private one, as well as knowing the NHS simply refuses to offer me that kind of therapy, I'm ok to leave that.

It's mainly their whole attitude that is so difficult. They don't say "Sorry, you read the news (!) and know we're overstretched/we have an insanely high threshold for help/we don't offer the help you need" and be vaguely supportive and offer what they can (like occasionally being able to talk to someone [from crisis team?] without being patronised, made to feel like I'm 'bad' for struggling, or told "Go and see you GP" who can only refer me back to them... when they have asked him not to!) They seem to do weird side-steps witht their thinking and come to uncharitable and obscure conclusions, as well as filling my notes with inaccuracies. Trying to explain anything to them just gets me talked over or them making out i'm being difficult.

It's incredibly hard because I already feel like I'm trapped in my head like a hostage, silently screaming for help but unable to show anything on the outside for fear of being futher blamed/attacked/ostracised. Fighting the depression everyday is one thing, but it feels like the people who should help are on it's side, not mine. Like they want me to go "Oh yes, I'm a terrible, unworthy person, please let me lick your boots then I may be entitled to treatment!" Their view, implied and explicity stated, is that I'm depressed because of repercussions from all the mad/bad stuff I (presumaby) do what with being such a crazy bitch. They just don't get it at all, and it adds to all the parts of my head telling me I'm unworthy.

Shaky and feeling guilty just writing this.

I find that in order to get taken seriously, I have to put on my 'how I feel at my worst face'. And as for bad/mad things I do, yes I do do bad/mad things but in light of my struggle with mental health and the fact that nothing I do overtly harms anyone but myself, I am more than willing to own it, with the proviso that I do want to change and stop doing things which are harmful.
I wouldn't resist a diagnosis though, if they want to diagnose me with something, I will embrace it, as long as it means I get appropriate treatment.
But getting a cpn, yes that appears to be difficult, harder to find than gold dust.

I relate to a lot of what you say. It's not you.

Iwasinamandbunit Yes I do hide my inner self, because that is all I have ever learnt to do in distress from a young age. I didn't used to hide it from the mental health team/GP (cos I thought it was their job) but the nasty comments and expectation that I should be calm and coherent means I now automatically shrink away inside when I speak to them (or anyone else.) I mean, if someone walked in now I'd be 'myself', but if I say, called someone then saw them later for a chat, I would be feeling sick with guilt and fear by the time we came to talk, unable to access the feelings I wanted to talk through.

For this reason services never really see me in a bad way anymore, just calm and explaining to them. It's the same as I'm writing this, so I can explain what happens and have done to them, but without the body language they think you're making it up (I think). Either way, their entire idea of 'treatment'/'getting better' seems to consist of not showing any distress, and to hell with how you feel inside - so they seem pleased with me for holding it in and angry if I show how I feel. Very behavioural training-esque. When I have spoken to them obviously upset, they just say "I can't understand you, call back when you've calmed down" or "don't shout" (they can't tell the difference between a voice raised in upset/anger apparently...) I'm also hopeless at advocating for myself when very upset/feeling things, so they can fob me off easily. When very heavily depressed I struggle with verbalising words and speak in a stilted, babyish monotone. They ask if I've taken an overdose then lose interest.

Also if I don't hold it in I get overwhelmed and am far too fragile/confused to cope with going outside and all the things like getting dressed first, so I'd never get to an appointment AND show emotions once there (It's taken months and months in private therapy to do that, and I still have at least half the appts. over the phone for this reason). Home visits are not allowed cos I'm seen as risky.

ArabellaStrange I didn't mean to cause any offence with the mad/bad comment, I was sort of paraphrasing their apparent views, definitely not endorsing them - I'm sorry if I sounded judgemental. I just find it so bizarre inhumane and evil that they only seem to care about outward presentation, not how someone feels ie. the root cause. I mean, the cure for toothache isn't endless pankillers and/or pretending it doesn't hurt, you need to actually fill/remove/disinfect(?) the tooth!

Apologies for the long replies, it is rather an outlet. I appreciate the replies and reminders the system is screwed so it feels less personal. Thank you MNers or maybe

I have a CPN who I see monthly and I was allocated her pretty smoothly so it's a shame there seems to be such a postcode lottery. All I can say is that I went to my GP who referred me to our local CMHT and the psych there assessed me and decided I needed CPN support. I see the psych about every three months and have also had 16-session stints with the OT and psychologist for therapy.

I am also the kind of person who never shows distress (have never cried or raised my voice at the clinic or on the phone) and that hasn't affected how seriously they take me. I do tell them honestly though about what has happened recently, which is all quite serious stuff, but I'm always calm when I say it. They still take all my issues very seriously.

There is a poster at my clinic about our local advocacy service, I've never used it but I expect most areas will have one. It is worth finding out what they have in your area, or contacting national charities like Mind.

element, I was going to write a massive long post about my experiences being similar to yours but it had a lot of personal details so I have PMed you.

waytoamarillo I think there is a problem in that if you show your distress, they treat you like a naughty child or hysterical attention-seeker.

I used to show how I felt to them but their reaction made me feel more worthless and shameful. So I've shied away inside myself, which to them is a good result, and any attempts to let emotion through are seen as me 'not behaving'. The echoes to my childhood hurt deeply.

Perhaps if I'd been perfectly calm from the start they'd have listened, but it seems really weird to expect psych patients to be all calm, rational, not cry or get overwhelmed, etc!

But yeh this is kind of the problem - if I try to explain how bad things are and ask for help they see the act of me asking as a 'bad'/wrong behavioural thing. Because of the hovering BPD diagnosis it's seen as 'attention seeking' whilst the obvious depression is ignored. It's so weird how people with BPD aren't allowed to feel bad/be comforted, despite high likelihood of past trauma. Whereas get depression out the blue and they have to at least pretend to care in a cursory way (not openly judge you).

Arghh, friend (who lives other side of country) has called ambulance on me. Asked if he would call crisis team earlier as they won't listen to me. They totally fobbed him off, saying they couldn't discuss my case cos of confidentiality (they didn't need to discuss anything, just listen), and then saying they'd contact my care co-ordinator - quite hard as I don't have one. Lying bastards.

Just found this out, tried calling them, got fobbed off more, got really pissed with them (another reason I have to try to keep it inside and hung up. Spoke to friend, he's now called ambulance.

Feck feck feck... so now a lovely ambulance/police standoff about to happen. I'm not going with them to spend another night in A&E to be treated like a naughty child and sent home.

I would do aything to have a DP to cuddle right now. I just need some love, not all this running around proving yup I shouldnt tell anyone and should just be fine.

I'm sorry.

Are you OK, element ?

I wasn't annoyed or picking you up on your comment, merely saying that I wouldn't let them judge my behaviour in the context that a normal person would be judged and I don't think you should either.
Anyway, hope you are ok.

I'm sort of ok. Managed to convince ambulance to go without me. So frustrating having paramedics go on about taking you to a 'safe place' and trying to explain to them that waiting all night in A&E to be patronised by the crisis team and sent home is likely to increase suicidality, if anything. I know they're trying to help but it's the lack of joined-up thinking overall that makes it ridiculous.

Anyway thank you for the replies - EauRouge your pm was very helpful.