Please help me with MH

[NiamhNext]

Very hard to know what to say. I keep writing long posts with too much detail and no substance and then deleting them.

Ok. I think I have some mild form of bipolar disorder. I think we've been living with it for a long time (went to a doctor 10years ago about it and got laughed at).

I need to see a doctor.

Sometimes I talk without stopping. Inerrupt and don't listen. can't have a conversation, as I keep changing the subject and talking non stop.
At these times I'm irritated. I always criticise. My children are worn down with the constant criticism. I have really, really tried not to. I've really tried to build in praise and saying nice things and asking them things. They hate it. One DC is ill and cannot wait to leave home so they don't have to live with me anymore.
I get racing thoughts. I get grandiose thoughts that I can start a new career in a completely new field. It has changed what it might be yearly, monthly, weekly... now daily!
I'm restless and move my hands around when I talk. It bothers my children.
I'm not really much of a risk taker I don't think.

I also have down times, usually every evening. I can't think of anything to say to anyone. I have no energy to get up and do any house housework, even clear away plates or a spot of ironing. My days are easy. I still feel drained. Slow. Sometimes I feel really worthless, numb or as if anything I do would be harmful. I go to bed to avoid doing any bad.
I cry for no reason.

My DCs have had enough. I've been thinking all this time that if Im not ill, we just have to live with it and make the best of it. Be tolerant. (I know!)

I've asked my DH today to support me in going to the doctor with a list and tell them. Ask for an assessment. Is that what I should do.

How do I make this right? Is there any treatment? Even if there isn't, I think I owe my DCs at least the knowledge of an assessment, maybe a diagnosis. I owe myself and my DH a concrete reason for my not working full time.

I have no friends. I need some MN friends to help me make some sense of all this and give me the courage I need to see the doctors and what to say.

Ah, Niamh - hugs to you.

I need to see a doctor.

Yes, you do and I am glad to read you've made an appointment.
A list of things that you feel are wrong is a very good idea.
Could somebody go with you as another set of eyes and ears and to support you? IF you would find that supportive, that is.

Don't diagnose yourself - arriving at an accurate MH diagnosis is often a really difficult thing and often takes repeated visits and assessments, often by different specialities as well.
Ask for a referral to MH services. Make sure to mention that you feel something's not been right for a long time, not just recently.

Many people with depression experience a variation of their symptoms between morning and evening.
Bipolar disorder mood swings tend to be more over weeks or months (even 'rapid cycling' BPD is defined as weeks), so feeling up and down as rapidly as you are describing may or may not point in that direction.

Fact is you are not feeling well.
It's affecting your family life.
You are struggling.
Well done for recognising you have a problem AND for taking steps to address it.

I hope you get listened to and feel taken seriously when you see your dr.
If not, see another dr.
Be that creaky gate that gets the oil.

Thank you! I haven't made an appointment yet. I'll try tomorrow. ...ill try on my own and if that doesn't work Ill go back with DH. Not sure if he will help, he just takes me as he finds me and never judges. Has a short memory for the negative stuff.

I'm trying not to be disheartened that this might not me bipolar, as my mind then jumps to 'I might be told there is nothing they can do to help me' (again). Have to remember there are many possibilities between those two statements!

Yes, don't catastrophise.
There will be something that can be done to help you, whatever the diagnosis ends up being.

Bipolar disorder is notoriously difficult to diagnose and get a diagnosis for. Many people affected by it end up having several assessments, sometimes years apart and by different doctors, so do please persevere.

I think it is great that your DH takes you as he finds you and does not judge. I hope he can also be an advocate for you wrt to how distressed you are by all this.

I hope you can have a nice Mother's Day anyway. Brave step taken, deciding to ask for help.

Is it too early for ?