Can't take it anymore

[quakergoats]

In special care unit as baby was preterm,two other kids at home,can't cope,everything is wrong.I know I'm in the 'baby blues' period but I don't remember it ever being so bad with the previous pregnancies that I was considering whether jumping out the window or electrocuting myself with the plug socket would be better.
I don't know why I'm posting this, noone can help.

Hi Quaker - congratulations on your baby and of course you know that your baby will receive very good care from the lovely and highly specialized team in the special unit.

I don't have any experience of hours you are feeling right now but I know that there are thousands of other women on here who have been where you are and who survived and now live amazingly happy lives with their families.

You need to tell someone that this is how you feel - be brave and do the right thing for your babies.

If you can't face saying it out loud, maybe write it down and hand a note to your partner or your midwife.

Stay here and chat in the meantime if you want to.

Tell us about your baby - is it a boy or a girl? How about your other children - how old are they?

Thanks fusion. One of the nurses I think noticed this morning and had a long chat with me. I had postnatal depression before but never felt this desperate,and I have been in NICU once before. This time is a longer slower process for baby and it will take a lot longer for them to get out,meanwhile whatever I do I feel guilty,stay in the unit feel guilty for leaving older two,leave the unit feel guilty for leaving baby.Getting beyond fed up of the 'well meaning texts' etc asking when I think we'll get out so they can meet the baby.Feel like screaming I don't bloody know,and when you get to meet my child isn't even on my list of concerns. In fact if we ever get out of here I would just like everyone to leave me be abd enjoy feeling normal not doubtless have to tell you all about the NICU and all the things we've come through.
I feel like I have only one useful role in here for my child and that is to feed it,so am constantly trying to feed or express but to say neither of those is going well is a huge understatement, so I feel totally useless.

Well it sounds like you have a hell if a lot going on plus hormones running riot to boot so I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed. Having a focus (pumping) could be a good distraction but don't worry if you find it too much.

You are very important in all this. Just do what you can to keep yourself safe and as happy as you can be.

Personally I think it's fine to ignore texts right now - or if you can perhaps draft a generic response you or your partner can just copy paste in reply - "thanks for thinking of us but we can't really say anything for certain right now and hope you'll understand that we won't be in touch for a while"

Not sure if there is a topic for early babies?? You'd be able to find people who've been where you are an

Sorry posted too soon. Meant to say and can give you a more knowledgeable ear.

Well done for talking to the nurse. Facing your fears and asking for help will be the start of getting help and getting better.

Hi Quakers. Congratulations on the birth of your baby. If you don't mind me asking how prem was your little one?

At this moment in time, your little one is in the best place, I know its heartbreaking leaving them and how vulnerable you are feeling at this moment in time, but it will all be worth it.

Do you have support at home with a partner or your parents to help look after your older children? You need to be looking after yourself as well, please try and get a decent nights sleep and eat regular, these small things can make a big difference in how your feeling.

Well done for talking to the nurse about how your feeling, have you thought about contacting Tommys charity for some support as well? Do you feel confident to say to your mw how your feeling?

I presume you've been discharged from the hospital, have you thought about cloth swapping? You and baby sleep with a cloth at night and next day switch them over, baby smells you,you have baby's gorgeous smell. This may help you when your expressing at home. If it doesn't, don't stress, your milk will come, after the upheaval your having at this moment in time, things may take a while to kick start.

At this moment in time, I would simply ignore the fellow well-wishers, if you feel you can't do this just a curt reply thanking them but you'll be in touch when your ready should be sufficient.

Please come back and update us, it can be a lonely and scary time for you and MN can offer you a hand to hold if you wish. Looking forward to hearing off you

I've been discharged but am staying in the parents accommodation in the unit as I'm working towards breasfeeding.I seem to spend my time either expressing or crying now.I can't even get out to see the kids for any length of time because I have to be expressing every 3 hours and trying to help baby try to feed/get used to feeding.

I keep thinking the kids are doing ok without me and if I just wasn't around anymore at all that would take any decisions about feeding out of my hands and she'd probably be better off with someone else looking after her.

It's a horrible and testing time BUT there will be an end to It.

In regards to your trying to breast feed, is your DD being formula fed and topped up with your ebm? Could you get a night off so to speak, so you could go home for the night and spend some time with your oc? Ease the pressure slightly, and if your worried you could always ring the hospital. Once that feeding is established, that's one huge step closer to her coming home Do you have to be present for every feeding, could you let the nurses do one slot? That's six hours right there to try and rest, eat and catch up with the oc.
Has the hospital got a breastfeeding nurse available for you to talk to?

Have you told anyone how you are feeling? What support network do you have in place for you?
Do you feel that really your not her mummy because of the situation your facing. This will pass. Trust me, I know. This is going to be one of the most challenging times in your life but its going to make you a hell of alot stronger.

IN regards to your pnd before please just talk to someone, a nurse again, your dh, mw or gp - make them listen. The way your talking suggests to me that pnd I highly likely, you've beaten it before and you will do it again!!

Please remember; You are amazing It may not feel like it at the moment, but you truly are. It takes alot of courage to say what you have on here, I hope you get the help and support you need, and your DD is home soon happy and healthy.

Hope this a little help for you! Come back and talk or let off a little steam, its alot easier to do it here

Yes that is pretty much hitting the nail on the head.I'm not really any use to her and the longer I'm away from the other two I am not any use to them either.I've gone from being the centre of two little people's world to just nothing more than a glorified dairy cow in a week.And as there is no end in sight it just makes me feel like I want to end it myself.