Not sure DS and I are bonded as I recover from PND

[Lahottiereturns]

I wondered if anyone else ever felt this, and could offer reassurance. My DS is 9 months, absolutely perfect, and what everyone calls an 'easy baby' (and has been from the start).

I am just recovering from post natal anxiety and depression, and hideous insomnia. My pregnancy was a huge surprise...my boyfriend and I had only been together a short time when we decided to try, and even though I was 38 with a history of endometriosis, it happened in the very first month we stopped contraception. I was very morning sick in pregnancy, and developed antenatal depression in the second trimester.

It turned out all this change was too much for me. From selling my business just before the birth, to an unhappy pregnancy, to suddenly having helpful people in my house (having never, ever lived with anyone in my life until the baby arrived), to having a bad hormonal reaction when I stopped breastfeeding at 4 months....by the time my boyfriend and I actually moved in together when our son was already 5 months old, I completely fell apart. My partner has two children already and a very demanding job, so while I did have help, I felt quite alone much of the time. Anyway, my self-identity was completely shot and I have read that thread by Mumsnet posters who regret having children many times and felt sick with guilt about it.

I am now recovering with the help of hormonal treatment and also an SSRI. I feel sure I am recovering and am excited to feel much better. But, and this is the point of this rambling post!, I keep questioning my bond with my son. I am aware that PND can damage the bonding process. As I am now back at work with a full time nanny (which is working out very well, and know I am very lucky), I can't stop thinking that I have missed out on a critical stage because of my PND and anxiety. I don't seem able to enjoy the time I do have with my baby without constantly questioning myself: Are we bonded? Would I literally kill for him? Do I look at him and feel total and utter unconditional love, or do I just think he is really cute? Oh, he just annoyed me with his whining, does that mean we aren't bonded? Do my friends love their children so much more, and does that mean my son will suffer? Do I even know what bonded feels like? What am I feeling, what am I feeling?

ARGH, it is obsessive and distracting! Any advice out there? Is BONDING something I should be worrying about?

I had horrible anxiety for the first six months of my son's life, and found the next six traumatic in other ways. I really didn't feel bonded with him at all. From about a year old things improved, and now he's 18 months and I finally understand the 'die for them' thing. I think you need to try to go easy on yourself; you've had a really shit time and your baby is still very young, there is plenty of time to find the bond

I had horrendous untreated PND after DD1. I loved her, but there was no real bond. She's three now and I love her to bits, she's my little best friend.

She's still annoying and needy and gets on my nerves at times. But the bond is there. I haven't damaged her, I'm sure of that.

I had DD2 17 months later, I'm only just starting to bond with her.

Some people just get babies, I don't, they are clingy and needy. My kids seem to like my husband when they are tiny and then bond with me as toddlers.

I never felt that rush of love that people talk about with newborns.

Be nice to yourself - you'll feel it when you stop thinking about it, and just enjoy your baby. It's so hard adjusting to a new life, so take the pressure off.

If your son seems happy, then you're doing fine. I think they get easier to feel bonded to as they get older and more interactive. I like my toddler more and more the more communicative he becomes, and I realise our bond when he makes a choice to sit or play with me.

I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job - if you're worrying, it's because you care. Don't feel guilty about a thing and continue with a bit more confidence.

You love your child. You are taking positive steps to your recovery and happiness.

You love your child.... You (and he!) will be fine.

There will be ups and there will be downs, but I promise you, at some point, you will look back and realise that what you've been through made you a better an stronger parent.

It doesn't matter what 'it' is... Going through it, getting through it, makes you stronger and a better parent.

You will, I am sure, be just fine.

Thank you is very much. Remarkable how you can do so much more for me than I can do for myself. Having never felt that 'rush' that Real refers to either, it has become somewhat of a hang up.

You all sound so cool and in control of the giant, highly imperfect, motherhood process. I look forward to reaching that stage, as I am convinced that makes for a better parent.

Thank you again.

I believe that the bond between every mother and child is unique and develops in its own time. It sounds like you are doing the most important things - taking care of yourself and making sure your child is well cared for. Depression really affects the strength of feelings about everything, so please give it more time. You and he will be absolutely fine!

And while it might seem like most mothers have it under control, I don't think many of us feel like we do most of the time

Love is a verb, as well as a noun. What you do for your son is love. Sometimes it takes time. Don't worry, that's normal. And not all of motherhood is fun. No one on here ever says that! Don't worry, really. It's normal. Many different experiences are normal. Yours is no less valid than anyone else's.