Takes me back and thought I'd like to share it
Calm before storm
I swallow hard, trying to quell the tide of anxiety threatening to burst from my chest. Still it rises, I sigh deeply, trying to focus. My head swims with dark thoughts. â??I canâ??t do this, I want to disappear, run away, escapeâ?? The words swim around and around my head making me feel disorientated. I put my hand on the kitchen bench, staring at the toast; try to concentrate on the job in hand.
Laughter, screeching, bickering, bouncing, jumping, bounding, whingeing, whining, demanding, screaming, joking, demanding, demanding, demanding.
â??Muuuuuuuuuum, Muuuuuuum, MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMâ??
â??Here we goâ?? I think. â??Here we go againâ?? Another deep breath. â??Come on, sort it out, deep breath, you can do this, you did it yesterday, you can do it again. Here they comeâ??
Three children enter the room, shattering the peace, like a tornado, filling my head with more noise than I can bear.
â??Mum, where are my socks, what is for breakfastâ?? Demands Harvey quickly cut short by Megan â??Mum you didnâ??t sign this, it needs to be done today.â?? She pushes the form in my face and it takes all of my strength not to grab it from her and rip it into a million tiny pieces.
Deep breath.
I look at them and feel nothing. A numbness follows me around this lonely existence. I want to feel close to them but cant help but regard them as interruptions. I canâ??t listen to them and my thoughts simultaneously.
Deep breath.
â??Ok, darling, donâ??t worry, I will do it now, come on you lot sit down at the table, breakfast is nearly doneâ??
Deep breath.
I set the bowls, plates, cups and bottles on the table, the noise hurt my head.
Deep breath.
Every day for months now this morning routine has become harder and harder. The sheer normality of it was debilitating. With every conversation, every school run, every forced smile, every hunt for the missing sock, every cuddle that I donâ??t really feel makes the guilt grow and the feeling of claustrophobia rise like a storm in my heart.
I need to Force myself to be the mother I used to be, the mother I NEED to be, the mother my gorgeous children deserve me to be.
I sniff the golden blonde curls of my chubby baby girl, attempting to draw energy from her perfectness, her pureness to quieten the dialogue in my head.
Deep breath.
Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath.
Dizzy, angry, nauseas, hot, blurry, pounding heart, splitting head, tears start to spill, cracks start to show, rocks in my chest weighing me down win their fight against my will.
I canâ??t remember much of what happened next. For this was the day that I didnâ??t manage to hold it together. The day that I dropped the balls I was juggling. The day that the mask slipped. The day that I confessed that I couldnâ??t do it anymore. The day that the truth was out. The day I admitted that I was depressed and couldnâ??t cope with it on my own any longer.
It is with great relief and gratitude that I can now look back at this time from a much clearer perspective. The deafening volume of unhelpful and negative thoughts has been turned down to a level that I can now concentrate on the wonderful gifts that I have in my life. For a time every ounce of my being was reserved for merely coping with living. Now, instead of being utterly drained and exhausted just by being alive I feel I am back in the room.
Support, friendship, sympathy, empathy, motivation, love and faith have surrounded me in my journey back from the bowels of the earth.
I am no longer a frightened onlooker, watching the world around me as if contained inside a lonely bubble. I am now back in the room with my loved ones. I am back in the conversation. Back in the land of the living.
***
Laughter, screeching, bickering, bouncing, jumping, bounding, whingeing, whining, demanding, screaming, joking, demanding, demanding, demanding.
â??Muuuuuuuuuum, Muuuuuuum, MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMâ??
â??Morning darling, did you sleep wellâ?? I say to my delicious little boy, still wearing the creases on his face from his pillow. I kiss him and taste the subtle mint of his toothpaste.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Mathilda, a vivacious two year old positively overflowing with mischief and curiosity. Just in time I scoop her up from the dog bowl before she shares his breakfast. Nuzzling her neck as I put her in her chair she smells of sunshine and is warm as a cosy bed on a cold morning.
As I butter the toast and look on at the chaos at the table; milk spilling, reading books abandonded, cereal dripping down clean, ironed school sweatshirts I smile with pride and thank god for the day the truth came out.
â??Come on gang, off to schoolâ??
With a flurry of last minute activity, we find the missing shoe, locate the crumpled homework and head out of our happy home holding hands.
With hope in my heart, I take a deep breath and think â??Today will be a good day!â??