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Mental health

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Original poster

how do you answer "how are you?"

20 replies

MumWithCamera · 12/03/2015 14:26

Silly but also serious question here!

It occurred to me that in the life of a mum living with depression / anxiety you meet lots of people at playgroups, friends for playdate etc

And they all start off with "how are you?"
I just don't know how to answer! I always say "yeah fine" but lately I've not been well and so that answer is both untrue and also means that I feel alone as no-one really knows how I'm feeling.

But on the other hand do people really want to know? If I answer "well feeling terrible, everything is sh#t" perhaps that is a bit of a like too much information some of the time and instead I should just go through the motions, like "yeah not bad.."

So today a met a close friend at a playgroup and answered "yeah ok" then I sat in silence as I had nothing to add to that.

OP posts:

thehumanjam · 12/03/2015 14:30

I say "fine" because acquaintances don't care either way. I really hate it when people ask me this it always seems so false but then I hate small talk so that's probably why.

thehumanjam · 12/03/2015 14:31

Just noted that you refer to a close friend. If that's the case I tell them how it is, or I say not good but can't discuss here.

Criminy · 12/03/2015 14:32

I often answer "how are you?" With "same old, same old, how are you?" Or "been better/worse!"
I find then people will either just accept that answer & move on, or if they are actually interested in how you are they'll ask you to expand.

It's flipping tricky though!

Lottapianos · 12/03/2015 14:38

'I always say "yeah fine" but lately I've not been well and so that answer is both untrue and also means that I feel alone as no-one really knows how I'm feeling.'

That's exactly how I feel too MumwithCamera! Very alone and invisible. It does feel like a question with only one acceptable answer, and I hate it for that. Some people really do mean it genuinely, as in 'I will listen carefully and thoughtfully to any answer you give me' but they are like gold dust.

I think most acquaintances don't really care how you answer so to deflect it, I answer something like 'ok' as quickly as possible and then ask them 'how are YOU?'. Most people are only too eager to have a chance to talk about themselves and at least it takes the pressure off me.

What I really struggle with is a friend of mine who knows my mental health troubles, asks me this question, and then just sits there with a sad face. I feel under pressure to perform for her, and also like I would get more sympathy if I just talked to a blank wall. I want to scream at her that I need her to take the lead in our friendship right now, and to please stop being such a wet blanket all the time. Sorry, bit of a tangent there!

Original poster

MumWithCamera · 12/03/2015 14:49

lottapianos

Glad to see its not just me over thinking this!
I suppose the crux of it is reading whether it's someone who you are likely to want to open up to. Trouble is when you're down you feel like no one would understand so you tend to kept quiet

I think maybe sunroof short as suggested above is better I think "not great" or "been better" might be my standard response now!

I wish people could stop asking it like it's automatic though!

OP posts:

Original poster

MumWithCamera · 12/03/2015 14:49

Something.. Not sunroof LOL

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 12/03/2015 14:52

No such thing as 'overthinking' Mum - its all just thinking

Yes, I tend to withdraw when I feel down/fragile, which of course leads to you feeling even more alone . Its a tricky old tightrope.

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 12/03/2015 15:22

Do people want an honest answer to this when they ask you it? I've always wondered but I've never been sure. Something tells me they just want you to say fine even when you're not.

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 12/03/2015 15:24

Forgot to say that someone actually did pull me up on that a few years ago. It was a lecturer at college and he told me that he was never quite convinced when I said I was okay.

OllyBJolly · 12/03/2015 15:37

It depends why they're asking. Is it a greeting or a question?

If they are just being polite the answer is "Fine, thanks. You?" If it's a question and it's not a good day then an honest answer "Bad week last week, bit brighter this week" or "Been better." If the person genuinely cares they will probe further.

shewolfroar · 12/03/2015 21:11

I want an honest answer because I care...I say 'do you want the simple answer'! how messed up is society that we all go around being bloody fine when we are falling apart. completely bonkers isn't it.

OttiliaVonBCup · 12/03/2015 21:35

If you don't tell people how are they going to know?
They don't read your mind.
Even if they think something's not right they might not ask because they respect your privacy.

If you have good friends who you think care about you, then talk to them,

Original poster

MumWithCamera · 12/03/2015 21:44

shewolfroar As you say yes it's bonkers.

But in seriousness I think the reason I have a problem with it is that my anxiety / depression makes me doubt that people are really interested in the answer. Or maybe they would just like small talk.

Small talk is no where in my repertoire when I'm feeling depressed!

OP posts:

Original poster

MumWithCamera · 12/03/2015 21:46

But thanks for responses. I think with close friends now I'll stick with "not great" or "do you want the short answer"

Everyone else I'll just [g

OP posts:

Love51 · 12/03/2015 21:55

I'd consider myself fully recovered from my mental health problems, but I clearly remember pondering this when I was ill. I would say think about who you want to share details with. Vague 'ok' or 'same as' answers are fine for most situations - and true, if you don't want anything from them at that moment. You can tell if someone really wants to know - they ask in private when they have time to listen to the answer. You still dont have to tell them. You are in control of how much you disclose.

FlatCapper · 13/03/2015 00:37

If I dibt want ti say "Fine thanks, you?" I'll often go with some kind of "Oh, you know... How are you?", varying the intonation and facial expression accordingly.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 13/03/2015 00:59

FINE - fucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional.

Banned word when I was in psych hospital as no-one ever really felt 'fine', it's just the easy answer.

Try giving an honest response if you can. I say "One of those days" or "so-so", then people know you aren't feeling wonderful, but you haven't gone into full details about how low you feel. If they are good friends they'll express concern and offer to chat more in my experience.

clairecasta · 13/03/2015 01:04

I'd often say 'not too bad', as it was always true. I wasn't feeling so awful that I couldn't leave the house. I'd managed to get up, dressed and go somewhere. Not too bad at all.

WanderingTrolley1 · 23/03/2015 21:59

I reply, "Yes, good, thanks" as I crumble inside :(

foslady · 23/03/2015 22:58

If it's a good day, I say that I'm calmer, if it's not so good, I'll just say I've had a difficult day or so but getting there - that way even if it's bad I'm telling myself that that by saying I'm getting there I'm determined to 'step forwards'

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