Would a psychotherapist deliberately cancel a session as an intervention to provoke anger in a client?

[transferencesadness]

I've been having weekly therapy for the past 6 months or so. Basically because things have changed irrevocably over the past year following a major life event that has sent shock-waves through my family. Therapy has thrown up many issues from well before the life event that impact on my ability to deal with it- one of which is my inability to express anger properly and a tendency to suppress it through people pleasing, joking, thinking too much, distracting myself by being busy etc.

I had a very difficult session last week where I failed yet again to express anger about a very difficult event that should definitely warrant anger, instead ultimately dissolving into helpless tears and then feeling abandoned and blamed for not responding "right" when my therapist was not sympathetic. After the session I did, ironically, feel really pissed off with the therapist for "making me" feel so bad! I spent a few days processing this and ultimately deciding he was probably right not to try and rescue me and resolving to try not to be so wet/take responsibility for putting boundaries in place in these types of situation. I have been putting this into practice quite successfully- there is lots of day to day stuff to practice feeling angry about, (un)fortunately.

Anyway, I've just received a very terse formal email from the therapist canceling my next appointment at short notice with no explanation. This has made me feel hugely angry and gutted. I really feel like he might be doing it deliberately to provoke me to anger. Is this just (more) transference or are there therapists who do this sort of thing?

Many thanks for any answers.

Hi there, my personal view is No - the therapist would absolutely not be cancelling an appointment to make you feel angry. I think you probably know this but you are trying to make sense of why the cancellation has made you feel so hurt. I would suggest (obviously I might be completely wrong!) that you have shown great emotion in your last session to your therapist and that in order to do that, you must feel like you trust him and that your session is a safe place for you to access that emotion. It is therefore hurtful that he has cancelled, when you have begun to trust him.

You might look at the fact that often a relationship with a therapist is like any relationship with an authoritative figure (such as a parent) and that maybe you unconsciously expect your therapist to behave in a way that a parent would. In this I think you're right and that you are transferring on to him - this is totally natural though.

One last thing - in your last session, he didn't show you any sympathy. This is what he should be doing. He should make you feel like he empathises with you and that he is listening to you but he should not be sympathising with you as that is not helpful for you.

Good luck with your therapy and maybe next time, you could tell him that his way of communicating with you left you feeling very unsure and that maybe in future if he has to cancel, he could rearrange your next appointment at the same time so that you don't feel like you've been left high and dry.

HTH

No, I don't think so. I just think the timing is unfortunate.

As you work through your 'stuff', you are probably realising the full extent of how people in your past let you down/hurt you. Your therapist being unavailable likely makes you feel let down too - especially as he didn't give a reason for the cancellation (which I would think is perfectly normal).

Definitely bring up how you felt about the cancellation with your therapist though. It could be valuable to identify why you reacted the way you did - and what it reminded you of.

I'd be surprised. It's far more likely that his filling fell out or his cat got sick leading him to cancel imho!

They never would. Ever.

No. Therapists don't manipulate you.

Thanks so much for replying, everyone. I'm really glad that you unanimously think he wouldn't do such a thing. I will definitely bring it up in the next (now distant- weep!) session, earlybird. He was saying he gets the sense that I sometimes experience him to be punitive and strict in another recent session, which I denied strenuously but maybe the fucker is right (again!). Grrrrr.

Thanks especially to you, Ladyleia for your lovely thoughtful post. You are absolutely right re starting to trust him- it was the first time I've ever cried in therapy. I'm not a big crier though I was as a child at times of great stress and therapy is making me feel very childlike some of the time. You are also dead right about the sympathy thing.

I'm now going to start worrying about his cat's health and his dental problems, eurochick!

And thanks also for your comfortingly categorical replies, Laurie and corygal.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. No, he absolutely would not cancel a session to punish you for - well, for needing therapy. It would be totally unethical.

I mean this gently as it is based on my own experience and not meant to invalidate you. Are you sure it's terse or can it be read more than one way? Tone of voice gets lost on email and it can be filtered through transference.

lt took months before I could feel my therapist empathised with me. He has the kindest, most empathetic face but he often looked angry to me. However your therapist wouldn't be doing you a favour if he interrupted or relieved you of your feelings. It's not about "being wet" (that sounds so unkind towards yourself) but finding new and different ways to 'be' in the world.

Reading your post it feels like you are bullying yourself, which is really painful. It is okay to find things hard, to feel angry with your therapist, to be upset, and to not be able to express your feelings. there is no right way to be in therapy, your job is to bring yourself.

You might find working through this is ultimately helpful. When my therapist was ill it seemed awful at the time but it allowed me to work through some major stuff.

Has he contacted you to rearrange?

PS if it was the first time you cried in therapy it's not surprising that you're feeling very vulnerable right now.

Thanks for your lovely messages, peppermintcrayon.I think you are totally right that I read the email through a transference blur and that's why it sent me reeling. It's not as bad re-reading it today but is, er, very short and to the point. Basically, "dear ms surname, unfortunately I have to cancel your session this week. Apologies for this. Please acknowledge you've received this. best regards Mr Therapist." The Ms Surname thing really upset me as I interpreted it as cold and formal... Probably more transference! He hasn't contacted me to rearrange so I guess I'll just have to skip a week. Typically this makes me both narked and worried that he's not well or something bad has happened to him. Which both selfishly and unselfishly would be awful.

That's actually quite a nice email as it includes the apology! Not giving a reason and writing a formal message both very typical. I'm a therapist and agree with the others that it is definitely not deliberate or related to your last session.

That email does sound nice. But that doesn't mean your experience and feelings are 'wrong' - just that they probably are coming from somewhere else. It would be worthwhile bringing up how you feel, it's very common to have these sorts of feelings about cancellations and your therapist will be interested and absolutely won't think badly of you for wanting to discuss how you felt about it.

I think you've been really brave sharing this and asking for help making sense of it. It's tough going through transference as it can be so bloody powerful. Hang in there!

Thanks again, peppermint and stripey. I'm glad that to objective eyes the email is nice. Therapy is so difficult sometimes. I have to keep faith that feeling flooded with tumultuous emotions is better than repressing them/an important step on the journey to feeling better. But sometimes it feels like if I let my feelings in/can't keep them out or manage them somehow I will go under because day to day life is stressful and busy too. So there is little calm time to just be with myself. Thank goodness for therapeutically aware mumsnetters helping me soothe myself a bit. Thanks again.