Self Sabotage or just plain lazy? Advice on breaking out of this rut please.

[RosesAreMyFavourite]

I spend every possible day I possibly can doing as little as possible at the same time worrying about the really important things I need to do. Any work offers I get I mess up, any parties I'm late for (no invites any more), any paperwork I fail to fill in or fill in late. Friends I miss their birthdays, to family who need me I have become unreliable. Community work I say 'I'll do that' but never do.

I've pretty much always been like this, flitting pointlessly from one plan to the next, grass is always greener, living life on Rightmove because there's always somewhere better to live.

Things I am good at - appointments for kids, meals on the table (that's slipping), working - once I've got there (freelance), planning (great at that, just never carry them out).

My relationship is not good, never has been but it might just be me not wanting to commit and therefore sabotaging that.

I also get a deep feeling of rejection from people I let down which eats me up.

Or am I an adrenaline junkie - always wanting the conflict and excitement? Whatever it is, I have got to change this so any ideas will be welcome.

Have you had any counselling OP?

Yes. Mostly ended up focusing on the relationship but recently cbt where I discovered I am afraid of failure

In addition to the insight about your behaviour, Have you made any changes arising from the counselling you have had?

Not really, I try but then give up. I think I sabotaged the cbt if that's possible. The last time I didn't really understand what I was supposed to do or why. I did learn to let go a little, and allow things to happen without getting so involved, also to stop feeling so aggrieved if people behave badly towards me.

The conclusion from the last session was that the innertia and procrastination is about not wanting to finish things and then be judged. I'm a great one for ducking and diving and can't cope with rejection or criticism.

I think the procrastination is because I get no reward, I finish and then just have to do more (cleaning etc). But I wonder if it's a way to get attention, from a partner who never gives any, following a long history of getting little attention from family.

Have you spoken to your gp about your health recently?
It may be that antidepressants and more counselling would help. They also usually recommend exercise.
Sounds like life is pretty difficult for you at the moment so I would definitely be talking to GP.

You sound very much like me, I sabotage lots of things, moreso by inaction, rather than action. Through therapy, I've discovered that part of it is likely linked to the fact that I had a poor experience of attachment as a child, therefore had nobody on side, holding my hand, while I learned to do things for myself. My partner is rather distant too, he gets frustrated with me being like this and my inability to complete basic tasks. I'm also a perfectionist, as the only way I got attention as a child, was if I were perfect. I sometimes think "why bother?", if I can't do something perfectly
The only thing that's working for me is long term psychotherapy, forming a healthier attachment to someone, then doing reparative work in the "here and now", former attempts at therapy (CBT, etc) didn't work for me

That's really interesting Millie, you could say I've got attachment issues, big family, not really paid much attention. I have always been expected to be independent which led me to being quite scared of ever being dependent so I worked hard at being self sufficient (eg first mortgage at 21) but was never confident about it, just did it out of fear. More like 'if I don't buy now I never will' rather than 'I want to buy a flat at 21'. I never allowed myself to get too close to people because I equated that with dependence which is 'bad'.

Yet I seem to crave validation (a response from partner would be nice) and am hyper sensitive to rejection from others.

Why can't I fill out my forms then? What's that about - do you think that's connected? I've been told by the counsellor that I'm perfectionist but I think it's more that I fear rejection and so not completing is better than completing and then being ignored/rejected. If it's something like a tax return I think I'm terrified that I might get it wrong and then it comes back and I have to face that failure/rejection.

I guess the question is, apart from counselling which will happen when I get round to it, what to do to break this cycle of fearing rejection/failure and therefore procrastinating?

I think it's counselling that is the answer, and if you are struggling to commit to counselling antidepressants could help you to do the counselling. Good luck with moving on OP, it sounds like time for change.