Thoughts of suicide or running away but know I won't do it, what help can I get?

[feellikeiwanttobuticant]

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice from people who may have been through similar please.

Brief background, DD is 20 months, was diagnosed with PND when she was 4 months old. Partner left when she was 4.5 months old.
Tried Citalopram but didn't like the side effects, and after speaking to my doctor again, was put on 30mg of Propanolol as the issue seems to be more anxiety than depression, and had some CBT.
Things have been hard over the last year or so. I've been genuinely happy for large pockets of time, but the issue is that after a couple of months of feeling this way, something else seems to happen or go wrong.

The latest thing has hit me really hard, and won't be able to be resolved for a couple of months.
I've found that lately whenever things seem hard my automatic reaction is to think to myself that I could either kill myself, or get on a train and just leave. I know deep down that I'll do neither, I can't do it to DD. But I also can't keep feeling this way, so can't anyone make any suggestions about what I can do next in terms of stopping this feeling? It's exhausting and I don't like these thoughts being my 'go-to' reaction.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

When things go wrong I do often feel suicidal or like hurting myself.

I hope I won't do it either but I have been very close to it.

I find that talking to someone helps - my mum & sister know about it and will talk me round, also I can phone the duty worker at the CMHT.

Maybe see your GP, discuss these feelings and get a referral to the CMHT, then you will just be able to phone them if you need help. Or maybe the GP will have other suggestions.

If you do need anti-depressants there are many different types, they offer Citalopram first because it's the cheapest! But I remember it made me feel like I was choking, very strange.

Thank you for replying

What are the CMHT? What do they do?

Oh feellike you have been through a very tough time and your emotional equilibrium must be very fragile to say the least. It's small wonder that your anxiety kicks in when things go wrong. Anxiety is fear really, fear of the present, fear of the future.

The suicidal thoughts and thinking of "just running away" are very common symptoms of depression though could also be symptoms of anxiety. These kind of thoughts tend to be known as suicide ideation (in the sense that we think about it and even consider methods but we sort of know we won't really do it....) It's not that we want to die, we just want an end to the pain. I wouldn't worry about these thoughts, they're just symptoms of a MH issue.

Have you found the Propanolol and CBT helpful?

You could see the GP again for an AD as they often help with anxiety too. OR can you afford private therapy?

CMHT is "Community Mental Health Team" and is made up of community psychiatric nurses (CPNs) and MH social workers. A GP will only refer you to a CMHT if he/she thinks your MH condition warrants a referral. I have a CPN and see a psychiatrist every 3 months but I have intermittent depression which can be severe.

Do you have any RL support - anyone you can confide in or support you. I think it's really tough for you young mothers who are suffering (I'm a grandmother) as you are having to care for young children too.

Thanks for your reply Nana it's really reassuring.
I've got an appointment with my GP later in the week, I've been avoiding anti depressants because I feel like I'm only down due to what's been going on, not generally IYKWIM? The Propanolol has been working really well, but the CBT didn't.