Gutted about Untreated postnatal depression and how I never bounced back

[ScandiS]

I had my first DD 6.5 years ago. I had postnatal depression, but never realised. Neither did the people around me. My OH was deadly ill at the time, my grandmother passed away, so all focus and support was on others. The people around me thought I was just 'not listening to their advice. Didn't bother to sleep when advised to/eat/etc'. Generally I was just perceived as being neurotic and an worrying too much. I never understood myself what it was.

Now 6.5 years later I am finally realising what was going on and see how this depression just dragged on and on and left me fragile. My OH pulled away massively. And sadly I have had another couple of breakdowns after with the climax being complete burnout 2.5 years ago. I tried counselling then, but the person I saw was just a trainee and it didn't help me at all. Some of the clouds started to lift when I started to run 2 years ago, but there is a massive blackness still hanging over me and I have near no self confidence.

Now my OH has told me that we have been unhappy together for longer then we were happy and he has massive doubts about our future and is not sure he can be with me any more.

I have started to see a great therapist as a result of this and it is like I have had an epiphany. I can now clearly see what has been going on (and realise that my crappy childhood have left me with 'coping mechanisms' that have just led to greater anxiety) with me and a great deal of the stuff that has been 'bugging' my OH since DD1 was born are just the symptoms of the depression.

I'm gutted that my relationship might end due to this undiagnosed depression and am struggling to 'focus on myself' and to get better when this is hanging over me.

I just want my OH to see the postnatal depression for what it was. And for him to 'get' it and the impact it actually had on me and therefore our relationship.... I just don't know how.

Have you told him how you feel? The way that you've said it here? I think that would be a good idea. Also, have you been to see your gp about it?

BisleyBoy, thank you for posting. No, I have not told him in the way I have said it here. I have told him that all the events, births, family deaths etc had affected me far more than I realised and that they left me not copying brilliantly. I should have got help then, but sadly didn't and I realise that it must have been hard to be around me at that time.

My OH sadly just seems to get angry over my attempt to explain this to him. And is somewhat dismissive of the postnatal depression.

I've not seen my GP but am seeing a therapist as mentioned above.

It sounds like he's not terribly supportive and what you're going through sounds bloody hard.
When you say he gets angry what do you mean exactly? Shat does he say/do?

Sorry that should be what does he say/do

That typo made laugh so much. Thank you

The anger I mentioned.. Difficult to explain...when I was at my worst he (shouted) asked me if I might be depressed...I bashed it away. At one point he even offered to pay for me to see someone. Again I just covered my eyes and ears and carried on.

So now, for me to turn around and say, yes, you were right, I was horrifically depressed but (tried to convince myself and everyone else I wasn't) turned down your offer...he's pissed off.

At the time I felt a bit like he was saying the words but not doing the actions. As in. I need hugs. The words of it will be okay. If that makes any sense?

Well to be honest I'm not surprised that you batted away his suggestion that you were depressed if he shouted it at you. I would too. I would think if I say yes will he get even more angry.
I think having a very frank and honest and open discussion about it would be the best thing to do. And when he's getting angry or his defended are coming up, tell him so and say it's not helpful to you.

My typo made me giggle a bit as well. How childish of me

Sorry to hear that you had such a difficult time. I think that one of the symptoms of depression is that you don't / can't recognise it for what it is- sometimes we just recognise how bad it was once we're past the worst,or dealing with the fallout. So at the time you wouldn't have been able to 'see' how depressed you were because that is how depression works,not because you made a choice.

Does that make any kind of sense? : )

It strikes me that you have been through an extremely difficult time and are doing everything you can to get better.

Thank you both.

BisleyBoy yes, if faced with anger/attack the defences just go up.

guggenheim yes it makes so much sense.

I've had a complete epiphany now and yes, I am so dealing with the fall out and it is horrific. I am so upset with myself for not seeing it before. and upset with him for not being more supportive and just pulling away which made it worse but I know I need to forgive myself and him

I've had shed loads some therapy and on occasion the therapist has thought it useful for dh to come to a session so they get his side of things and I can tell him how I feel with a third party there. Do you think this might be an option for you?

That is a really good idea BisleyBoy. I will run it by my therapist when I see him tomorrow.

So, the update is that there is no update. I ran by the therapist how to approach it with OH. He said I could bring it up gently. So, on Friday I tried. Said that this week (last week) has been an epiphany and I can now see things so clearly and I would really like to tell him about it sometime if he would be interested. OH did not 'take the bait' so to speak but asked about the therapist. Is he good? Qualified? Etc. and I said yes, he is very very good and has a lot of experience. He is not anything like the wishy washy trainee counsellor I saw 2 years ago, which did not help at all. OH also asked how long I would be doing it for. And that was that.

As it happens last weeks session was horrid. Whilst before I have 'got it' and understand what happened and could see it, now I feel it. It is raw and painful and I feel very very sad.