Need help and convincing I will be ok

[Bubalie]

Hi, I've suffered from anxiety for the last 15 years, been on meds twice (Seroxat & Citalopram). Been off meds for the past 4 years, only came off when I've decided to try to get pregnant and then felt ok without meds throughout my pregnancy and for couple of years after. In the past couple of years, my anxiety has slowly been creeping in and at the moment it is ruining my life. I kept delaying asking for help but have finally been to see the GP last week and got the prescription but am so scared to take the pill as with both meds previously I had really bad side effects. Citalopram side effects last time were really bad and I remember being sick for a week and unable to get out of bed. I realise that I need help and need to start taking pills ASAP but cannot make the first step mainly through fear of being unwell and not being able to go to work or look after my DS. My DH is very supportive but he works long hours so I am the one looking after the DS mainly - get dressed, nursery, dinner, bed etc. I guess I am looking for some encouragement and some positive stories to give me strength to take the pills again... Thank you!

I wanted to reply the other day but had account issues for days! (Grrr).
Cant give much advicr atm but wanted to reply.. hope you have started the meds and feel ok so far. Noone can promise they will work as we all need different support and help but start somewhere...little by little things will improve. Stay strong.

Hi easyworld and thank you so much for the encouragement :). Not started yet waiting to get through this week first and then we are on holiday for a week so hoping to start then when my DH is with me all the time to look after me and my three year old DS. Thanks for the support :)

i know how you feel
had a really bad reaction to seroxat- had to be sedated.
im too scared to try anymore- but i suffer from paranoia in this dept anyway- with anything that goes in my body including food and drink
i have a prescription for a new drug in my surgery waiting for me since january.

sorry posted too soon
but i am determined to try it ,yes the last one made me very ill ,but it didnt kill me.
im just waiting until i feel braver.

wfrances I was on Seroxat a long time ago (10ish years!), I had bad side effects but was in really bad way anyway (not sleeping, eating for days prior) and remember it not being too pleasant. Since then I was on Citalopram and had bad side effects again but totally different - I feel Seroxat was more suitable for me once kicked in where with Citalopram I never felt it worked anyway, but found side effects much worse then on Seroxat. I guess my point is all of these pills are different. Find some courage and try and persevere - it is highly unlikely that you are going to get the same side effects again, that is what I keep telling myself.

I have had severe anxiety for years that ended up hospitalising me. I had a dodgy reaction to sertroline but found paroxetine just dandy. One thing that helped was that I had diazepam for the first fortnight which saw off the worst of the side effects, although it does make you sleepy. Once the parole tine kicked in it was marvellous, although I did gain weight.

Three and a bit years on I'm med free and use CBT and relaxation to deal with stuff. Bear in mind I've been too scared to walk across the room and paint a wall (I tend to freeze like a bunny).

Good luck, my love. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Thanks Rhihhare! I've been on AD's for the past 12ish years, on and off 3 times. I manage to get myself on for 6-12 months then slowly come off when I feel like I can cope but anxiety always creeps back in and I get to the stage where I can't cope anymore like now! I may actually go to GP and ask if they will prescribe beta blocker (like diazepam) to cope better with side effects if this worked for you. I had CBT about 5 years ago and it didn't work for me but it was a group session and no one was prepared to talk apart from me.. Do you have your CBT session one on one or in the group?

No worries, Bubalie. I did CBT in both groups and individual. I loved the groups but the dynamic has to be right - get a good group and you all help each other but it doesn't work if nobody else participates. On an individual level it is good because you can be as open as you like.

My psych uses diazepam routinely alongside SSRIs in the early days and it does help. Once you don't need those any more you can use deep breathing, relaxation techniques, mindfulness etc to take the edge off. It helps to have a plan of things to do quickly when you feel a bit crap - load some good apps on your phone, download some relaxation programmes, put your favourite music on your iPod, get some funny tv programmes on DVD or Netflix.

There's nothing wrong with taking meds for the rest of your life if you need them. I would go back on them in an instant if I felt I needed to.

How are you feeling today?

Thanks Rhihhare this is very helpful. I definitely felt the group session was not working and even the person leading the test seemed not to be that knowledgeable when asked specific questions. It may be because I feel I understand how this anxiety works and have done years of research and on the days that I feel good I can reason with myself, but when things go bad it all goes out of the window.

I've not started my AD's yet, planning to do so on Saturday (first day of my holiday) so may go back to GP and ask for a prescription of Diazepam to help me along. Hoping that I won't spoil my DS and DH's holiday if I'm too unwell but feel this is the only way to deal with side effect when my DH is with me plus no time off work needed hopefully. I've got a fear of being on my own when I am anxious so really need to have my DH with me while I start on the pills.

Well done on being free of pills, I do 12 months on pills then come off, good for couple of years and then slip back again. I was always against being on AD's for life but have now realised that my quality of life is rubbish (for me and my family) so am going to give it one last go and if I am good I will stay on pills for a while until I feel I'm properly sorted this time.

Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it :)

How long have you been off your meds?

Any time, Bubalie, any time.

Don't get too hung up about the meds thing. I took paroxetine for anxiety which was fab and only came off them when I started to feel a bit weird - I'd watch the news or hear something sad and not quite feel as I should. But if I needed them again I would and if I felt I needed something every day I would have it - my best mate has been on a low dose of Prozac for four years now and is unlikely to come off them. She feels better on them and in her shoes I'd take them too. I don't see it as any different to taking migraine meds or pain relief.

The diazepam will make you a bit sleepy-woozy but it's a nice feeling! I understand the fear thing when on your own.

Thing about CBT is that you'd need to check the credentials of the person taking the group, same as any therapy. I've seen courses offered on Amazon Local for forty quid! I understand the feeling of not being able to reason when your anxiety is bad - this is when your crap comedy/compulsive games apps etc come in, anything to distract yourself.

I'm 'chickening out'!! I felt ok-ish day before yesterday and yesterday so am thinking I should try self help first. Have read up some treads on here and got names for some self help books, apps and supplement called 5 HTP. Has anyone tried it?
I'm thinking should I give it another shot with perhaps trying this supplement, reading, yoga class and some exercise, diet changes. Anything that anyone would recommend as I really need to make a decision in the next day or so as if I'm to take AD's I need to start on Saturday.. Any advice Rhihhare?

Honey, I'm just a random woman on the Internet. If you've been given ADs then my advice is to take them - I can't advise you not to because I'm not responsible for your medical care. Can you visit your GP or at least ring them for advice? I know how crap it feels, I really feel for you, but if feeling crap for a few weeks means feeling great after tgat, it's worth it. What meds have you got?

Not sure about supplements. The only one I know with any real provable data behind it is St Johns Wort.

But, what I can do is arm you with the list of stuff I've picked up from my time being treated at one of the Priory hospitals. Meds alone aren't as likely to work as meds with other stuff and the aim should be to reduce the meds and increase the other stuff until the other stuff is all you need.

Books
For Dummies books on CBT, Anxiety and depression, Relaxation, Self Esteem, Mindfulness, Mindfulness CBT.

And/or books from the Overcoming series

Write Yourself Well

CDs
The Meditainment series of guided visualisation (last I looked these weren't available on MP3 but they might be now.

A Journal
Use this to get your feeling out, chart your progress, make plans and set goals. Set out a weekly planner of how you will fill your time, factoring in the stuff you have to do, stuff that you find satisfying and stuff that you find fun. Include some kind of exercise, some kind of relaxation and something a little bit challenging.

Have a list of things you can do when you feel rough and things you like to do for yourself. Put down at least fifty. Whenever you feel anxious or low, pick something and do it. Make sure you have your favourite films and comedy shows ready to watch easily, and your favourite books to hand.

Sleep Hygiene
Use the bedroom for sleep and sex only. No gadgets, tv, PCs. Read on,y if you have to. Listening to music ok though. Have a bedtime routine - bath, pjs, warm drink, bed, just like for a toddler.

Junk the caffeinated drinks. Go for decaff or herbal tea. Camomile is known to be calming.

Try a project. If you like crafts buy a needle craft kit or get some knitting wool - anything you really need to concentrate on (thinking of stuff you can take away with you.) Or remake part of your garden and spend your holiday time drawing up plans. Or decorating...you get the picture.

You probably know all this stuff, but I hth.

Thanks Rhihhare :).

I do know most of the stuff but it's good to be reminded.. The medication is Sertraline only because I asked for something different to Citalopram which was the last med I was on and had a rough time with it. The thing is GP didn't even ask any questions when I went back in and I keep replaying it in my head. I've been off meds for 4.5 years and went in and just said I think I need to go back to AD's again and he just gave me the prescription, no questions asked, so I guess I feel a little disheartened that he didn't even asked me why I felt I needed them or suggest anything else.. It may be just me being silly, but I kind of feel I should fight at least a little but obviously need support to do so.

Your list of things is definitely helpful, will go through my bookcases and see which books I already have (used to red up a lot on it) and perhaps gets some new ones too.

I really appreciate you taking the time to write all of this down for me :)

Bubalie, it's no trouble at all.

I didn't get on with serialise but a friend of mine loves it and it makes her feel completely like her old self. The bugger with ADs is that it is trial and error much of the time.

Do you have a local MIND group? I used to go to a womens' group through them and someone I know has counselling with them which has a much shorter wait time than standard NHS. Their provision is patchy but if you do have a group near you someone there may be able to advise you about whether you need meds or not and point you in the direction of local support.

Otherwise is there another GP at the surgery you could talk to? I'd try to see someone before you go away.

That's sertraline, not serialise. Bugger autocorrect.

Thanks Rhihhare I did look at MIND think there is one not far from where I live so may just try and pop in although no time left now before I go away. I'm going to do some more research and speak to my DH tonight and see what he thinks. I'm leaning towards trying to fight it again and going back to GP and request to be put on waiting list for CBT or whatever suitable and try some vitamins and supplements. Who knows I may have a bad day tomorrow again and decide on meds so will see how I am. I have meds with me and will go and stock up on natural stuff and books too and see on Saturday how I feel and what to take..
Thanks so much for your kind words and time though, it definitely helps to have someone to talk to

Hey, any time. My recovery was greatly helped by others who had been there and I'm just paying it forward.

Have you heard of thought records? Not sure how easy they are to pick up from reading about them on the net but they are very effective.

If you feel crap remember, it's just a thought, just a feeling, and feelings and thoughts can't hurt you. They're as real as dreams.

Have you got an iPod or phone you can load up MP3s onto? Might be worth making sure you have some kind of guided relaxation download to listen to - earphones and a pair of shades and nobody will know what you're doing.