There is something really wrong

[Shewearsdenim]

I am a regular poster but I have name changed, I posted under this name last year in mental health.

There is something wrong with me, I am sure of it. Things have been..OK...for a while but in January we made some changes to our life, out of necessity. Its as though the change has broken the thread I use to get through the day. I am so afraid and so alone inside my head that I don't know what to do.

I am angry ALL THE TIME. DP can ask me a perfectly innocuous question and I will lose the plot and scream and swear. I am furious constantly and its exhausting. It is also terrifying as I am not properly in control of myself. When I am alone I cry and cry. Worst of all is the feeling that it would be better to end it somehow. I was away with work last week and the panic that I felt was awful, my throat was tight, I couldn't breath. I imagined just stepping onto the tracks and it all being over. I can be at home and I will imagine all the ways I could die without leaving the house. I started formulating messages to DP to tell him about it but it felt self indulgent. Like I was trying to mess with him.

I can't admit to anyone that it is as bad as it is - DP has started talking about the Drs as my behaviour is not good but I refused to go, I was sure that he was doing it because he wants to prove me unfit as a mother and take the children. I am now wondering what the hell I thought that for - he hasn't left me yet and hasn't said that he will but sometimes I am convinced he is plotting against me. I even think I have proof of it (I don't). The paranoia is new and I don't realize its paranoia until I am out of the sort of fog I get into.

I don't know what I am expecting people to say - I think I just want to scream at someone.. I know that I am not working right, but I am not sure what to do with that information.

Sweetheart....your ill. It sounds to me like you gave a anxiety disorder. I know because I have one. More seriously you sound the same as I did right before I had a breakdown.

Your holding it all in, but it's going to blow.

You need to go see a GP ASAP, and get some help. You need some instant help and some counselling.

You need to urgently prioritise your life and cut out any unnecessary activities, stresses, out them on hold, scale everything right back.

Don't expect a quick fix, but please get help ASAP, you can get through this, but your beyond doing it alone. Xx

Write down everything about how you feel at your worst and go to the GP with it.

I had something similar last year but it was cyclical so after a few days I felt better and therefore did nothing about it for far too long. This does have the potential to damage perfectly good relationships so please seek help so you can start to get better.

I also reiterate the comment about trying not to do too much. Cut right back to the bare essentials.

Thank you both for answering my rather rambling post. I think that gallics comment about cyclical is quite true of me as well. I am certainly bad - better - bad - good - bad week on week/month on month. My DP describes it as not knowing what the weather will be like. I don't want to be this way anymore and just want it to stop.

The worst thing is that I think I have been the same since I was a teenager to various degrees of awful. I am scared that might mean that this is just who I am and no amount of help will change me.

Remeber that all these issues are symptoms, there is a cause that you need to look for and face.

Fear is the opposite of anger, most anger is Born out of fear.

Counselling will reveal those fears, and help you move past them

If you refuse to help youself, then yes, you may be good some days, but the issues are not dealt with, all the time irrational behaviour is destroying your life. This is not who you are, I can guarantee your childhood environment or some traumatic incident has created this within you.x

I had some counseling a few years ago, after a period of high stress at work and home but didn't find it helpful. I stopped attending after 3 sessions - dredging up painful issues without any sort of coping mechanism meant that I was much much worse when I came out. I have spent many years compartmentalizing my life and actually do not think much about the past, so the expectation that I should talk through painful experiences for a short period and then just go home and be able to function was ridiculous. It nearly broke me entirely - she had nothing to give me in terms of how to manage emotionally after such a thing if you see what I mean. I never talk about my feelings unless in an expression of anger, I mean NEVER, I chat away to everyone I meet but not about me.

I have been known to meanly throw a few things at DP if I have felt trapped or judged in some way, I must be quite horrible to use childhood trauma as a weapon like that to be truthful - but it backfires as I feel exposed and as though he is holding it against me or secretly thinking that I am damaged and therefore he doesn't have to take me seriously.

Reading this back proves that I am not behaving normally. I knew that but it seems more real written down

Like me your thinking patterns are not right, you are burdened under anxiety and guilt for having it.

I know what it's like to try really hard just to keep things on a even keel, some people climb Everest with less energy than it can take me just to do a normal day. I get lots of resentment towards my partner because it seems he can't understand how hard it is, and then if he says off things to me, I totally catastrophise and think I must be all bad, then I get angry.

I found freedom in just being open and honest about my limitations, and how I feel, and learning to say no, and not feel guilty.

As a point of interest did you have to earn your parents love, did you feel that you had to be perfect, and indeed even if you were they were unmoved by it?

Also you need to give counselling longer and get a counsellor you fit with, keep changing info you need to.

I think you are right about the counselling, it was very easy just to stop as I found the professional lacking but that is not to say that I should have stopped the whole process.

In terms of my family history as you asked - my father (well, the man who raised me from 18mths old) was a violent alcoholic and I suspect addicted to porn looking at it with an adult eye. My mother (biological) was entirely focused on him. She did her best but she was not really available to her children - I suppose that she used up all her emotional range coping with this man and his issues. He showed his love inappropriately and sexually and played his children off against each other so the women in his home were always at odds with each other. We were continually seeking his approval but then avoiding the consequences of being his favourite. Fear but intense love was the common theme of my childhood. They divorced when I was 13 and I stopped seeing him when I was 15...his interest in me heightened to the point that I could not be around him safely. After the divorce my mother almost immediately entered into a relationship with another man and had another child, this man was only 12yrs older than me and I felt very resentful. Though not a violent drinker he was passive aggressive and disliked me intensely. I left home at 15. At 17 I married, I suppose to build my own family,but that was of course a mistake (could it be anything else really)

Same here, violent drunken father, domestic violence, inappropriate sexuality, mother took it out on me.

Firstly, you are not to blame. You were innocent. Also you have had no positive examples of healthy relationships, you have not been taught. So as a consequence your trying to find a pattern to follow, but probably not looking in the right place.

My partner had a very solid, healthy upbringing, and I had to get past my own jealousy of that and learn from him...how to act rationally with good perspectives. I also had counselling and medication at times, I also discovered faith, I I deliberately watched and read as much as I could to do with positive parenting and relationships.

It's not easy to totally rewire thinking patterns, but it can be done, with help.

The most important thing is to set yourself free from shame and guilt, be honest about your mistakes, ask for grace, and get help.

You can do it, you can change your life, you don't have to be defined by the past.

I've been in your boat. Today I plucked up the courage to see the gp and he's prescribed me some pills and counselling.

It's scary as hell but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Well done sky.

I am glad to hear that you are taking steps Sky, and thank you Reeky for your support.
I went to the GP on Tuesday and opened up to my partner on how I was feeling, I followed your advice and wrote down how I felt on a 'bad day' which helped a lot. The Dr was very supportive, and even when I had to admit to violent outbursts wasn't judgmental at all. I was (and still am) scared that would be on some file somewhere and people would wonder about my childrens safety, DP was great and simply said that I am their mother and if i am struggling he is there to pick up the slack so who could argue that our children are anything other than lucky.
The Dr said that what I was describing wasn't full blown psychosis, even with the suicidal thoughts. The cycle that I describe and the fact that I have never really been someone who is on an even keel suggests that it is linked to my hormones, on top of a likely personality disorder. She thinks that I am now depressed and that can be a volatile mix. I have been prescribed a daily dose of Fluoxetine and she has suggested CBT. She says that she is a big believer in CBT but that it is most important that I am on an even keel in the here and now so the medication is key. It takes a few weeks to kick in and apparently it can actually make things worse initially but DP says he is on hand to help, if I can just be open about how I am feeling. She also gave me some web addresses of online CBT facilities to supplement the process, and some books to order to help me understand my condition. I couldn't have asked for much more really - I often hear about NHS services letting people down when they seek help for mental health issues but my first foray into this has been positive for which I am grateful. I hope that this is the start of something that will make my life and my families life better.

I can't offer any help other than to desribe my experience and hope it may help you.

I am a manic depressive. When I don't take meds I have no control over my moods. DP loves my enthusiasm but does not like the other side which is a raging bad temper and unreasonable behaviour.

I take Semi Sodioum Valproate, or Valproaic acid.. trade mane Depakote to help control my mood swings. It works for me,,, but taht is no guarantee it will work for everyone else. What is nice about is that it has a very short half life .. about two days and it totally clears out your body, and it works pretty fast.. My mood calms down within a few hours of taking a tablet. It also does not appear to have any addictive effects like Citralopram does.

Hello Denim so glad you got to the GP and she was helpful. It almost sounds like this is the first time you have taken meds for mental health even though you have suffered for a long time. Is that right? When I read your OP I thought you sounded depressed, mostly because of the suicidal thoughts, which are a symptom of depression. I suffer from intermittent depression (fine one day, crap the next etc) and I too have suicidal thoughts and like you think of all sorts of ways and even google things. I think with me it's suicide ideation (in the sense that I think about suicide but sort of know I'm not really going to do it) and when we are severely depressed, I don't think it's that we want to die, we just want the pain to end. It's such a torment and can only be understood by those who have suffered from MH problems.

I hope your GP signed you off work too, as it doesn't sound like you are well enough to work just now.

I don't want to confuse you about CBT (as your GP thinks so well of it) but it's become a bit of a panacea I think and it's the most usual therapy that can be accessed on the NHS and there is often a long waiting list, and I think you only get 6 sessions, but that may differ with different NHS Trusts. It could be helpful to you in the sense that it deals with the "here and now" and not the "then and there" which you found unhelpful. I think a lot of people with childhood trauma find therapy and having to talk about all the painful things of the past very difficult and like you feel worse after it. There is a therapy (EMDR) you'd have to google it that people in your position talk about very positively. Apparently you don't have to go talk about everything from the past (which is the conventional notion of therapy isn't it) I don't honestly know exactly how it works but it might be worth looking at.

Can I just sound a word of caution about posts about suicide. Last year there was a big "hoo ha" on MN because a few people were posting about specific methods of suicide (and one poster who said she was actually doing something as she posted) and it was very triggering for others, and caused a lot of people distress. MN took this very seriously and there was a long consultation period on the MH boards asking us for our views on this issue and they also consulted Samaritans for advice. In the end the consensus was that it was ok to talk about suicidal thoughts (as there are few places where you can actually do this.....and something we only tell those closest to us) but not to mention specific suicide methods. Hope you don't mind my commenting on this but thought it might be helpful for you to know MN policy on this issue.

Take care and be kind to yourself - you have an illness and it isn't your fault, though bizarrely some of us feel ashamed or guilty that we have MH problems and think there must be something we could do to resolve the problem, whereas we don't think that with a physical illness. Just another thing to confuse us!

Thank you Nina, I appreciate your comments. The last thing I want is to cause distress for anyone so thank you for pointing out the guideline. I am sorry if you were distressed at all. In response to your question, yes this is the first time that I have really acknowledged that my behaviour is not a response to an event but an ongoing 'thing' that is there all the time and the first time I have taken medication (I was prescribed it once before but I did not take it)

At my GPs suggestion, today I reached out to via my corporation (I am not signed off just FYI) to our employee assistance programme and have 6 counselling sessions arranged to discuss stress and management of stress, this starts next week. My GP thought it would be quicker than NHS, I guess working for a corporate firm has to have some benefits. The entry criteria for it was an hours phone consultation and the practitioner on the phone stated most strongly that 6 sessions to address stress is not enough is his opinion, he also pointed out that CBT has its place in looking at helping me 'rewire' my most damaging thoughts but that what he thinks I need is an ongoing programme of therapy. He felt that I needed a diagnosis rather than just working on the depression. I think what I understand from all this is that I am indeed at a low ebb, I am angry and anxious and utterly stressed out but that is on top of something that is already there so is that much worse.

Really proud of you denim, you are on the road to changing your life, be kind to yourself, go slowly. Don't overburden your self, and don't let others do it either.

Keep up with all that you have said, keep a diary only for you, you will be amazed when things get better when you read back.

CBT is the best thing we have free on the NHS it may not be stellar all the time but it's better to go with it than without, and your doc was right, you need the Meds right now, and there is no shame in taking them.

Your doing really well, and it was so brave to open up.

Your counsellor will want to go through stuff that might be painful, my advice is to always allocate yourself at least 1 hour to yourself post session, go for a walk or a coffee where you know you will be alone, you need a buffer and process time before you pick things back up. Also don't be afraid of the emotion or anger you feel they are legitimate, and any good counsellor will not be bothered by it.

One day at a time. Xx

I am a few days into the meds now - I feel pretty OK, I am a good deal less easy to rile up than I was before and that is very noticeable at least to me. Heading toward danger zone in terms of my cycle over the coming week so I am trying to stay 'aware'. We have had a nice family weekend, as oppose to the usual stress and ruining the day before its really started. Friday nights can be especially tense so it feels like something of a milestone to pass a Friday without major incident.

The most worrying thing is my partner. He is so far away from me in terms of intimacy and interest. He has put up with so so much from me over the years, never wavered, never given up but the distance is so noticeable now I am really looking for it. I knew that it was bad but I think its only now I see how serious it is. Then I get anxious and so it begins again.

It must have been so hard for him, living with someone with such a skewed perspective on things. I was so up and down and I expected him to almost match my moods - in fact I tried very hard to MAKE him match my moods, if I am happy the world should be happy with me. If not then what right does anyone have to be positive...I would bring him down and then expect him to jump up with me when I was ready, not before. I think that all he sees now is a person he cannot trust though hopefully loves, in spite of himself. I hope that time will see me mend that. I actually asked him last week after only a few days on the anti-d's to agree that we are mending and then wondered why he was reluctant to commit to that statement! Another symptom of how I need to become much more self aware - is that mental health or an unpalatable personality trait? Who knows and it doesn't really matter - it is a bad thing.

I want him to reach for me again - just in friendship and in love. I want him to want to hold me because I am his safe anchor, the way that he is mine - so that he gets some small piece of what he has given me over the years. it seems very far away but I hope that he will start to forgive me.