I don't feel worthy of seeking help.

[WayfaringStranger]

I spent my entire teen years and early adolescence suffering with anorexia, bulimia and other mental health problems. I had a lot of help and slowly started to become mentally and physically well. I was living a normal life until about 6 months ago when work related stress triggered off an eating 'blip' that led to a full blown relapse of bulimia (bingeing and vomiting and laxative abuse).

I feel so unworthy of seeking help because I'm not depressed or even particularly anxious. So, I clearly don't need MH services. My other issue is that I'm fat (I have an overweight BMI), so I don't feel worthy of seeking help for the bulimia.

I have explored the option of private therapy but I just cannot afford it. I did find one low cost option but I managed to talk myself out of it, stating that I'm fat and greedy, not depressed, so why should I seek help? I know it's not logical but there we go.

I've done about 4 different depression tests online and they all suggest I don't appear depressed. My partner doesn't think I'm depressed, although he is concerned about my eating habits and my low self esteem.

I did manage to make a GP appt for March but I feel silly. I keep telling myself that I'm just greedy.

Sorry, stupid old me didn't even say thank you for your kind words.

But anorexia and bulimia are mental health issues surely? It's not to do with food is it - it's to do with far less tangible things I thought - possibly a need to feel you can control something in your life?

SO yes go to the GP appointment and tell him/her what's happening in your life. You don't need to feel "silly" - GPs are paid very well (and if you're a taxpayer you help pay their salaries!) and it's their job to help with eating disorders. It doesn't matter that you're not depressed or anxious. It's a bit like saying "well I feel silly going to the GP because I've got a bad pain in my stomach, but I haven't got a sore throat!"

You are in distress.
You are using coping mechanisms that are harmful not helpful and need help to stop.
You are being savaged by a ruthless inner critic who wrongly claims you do not deserve help.

You are obviously in distress. That alone is justification for seeking help. Not everyone fits the profile for depression - there are many ways of being unhappy.

Could things be better? Yes. Could you benefit from help? Yes. I can't think how you could be more worthy of help.

I'm sorry that I didn't come back and acknowledge your posts. Thank you for your kind words.

I was just hiding inside of my head, pretending I am 'normal', that I don't effectively flush my hard earned money down the toilet, that I don't have an eating disorder.

This all feels so fucked up. :( nights are the worst. I can pretend to be normal for some of the day.