Filled with self-loathing

[slightlybonkers]

That's it really, I hate myself and can't get over it. I'm very isolated and down. I have 2 dc and dh. I don't have a job or career, which is a huge source of sadness to me. I have no circle of friends, just some local mum acquaintances.

My confidence is low, however I can
function and appear fine, maybe a bit off sometimes. I could stand up in front of a room and speak, for example. I am not anxious but deeply pessimistic and certain I have messed up my life.

Ds1 was unplanned and I don't seem to have got past that. I grew up in an Irish Catholic family, with little emotional intelligence. I was bullied / excluded as a kid, which was never dealt with. I have a constant loop of "kill yourself, kill yourself" in my head but never self-harm.

I have tried lexapro, counselling, cycle everywhere and do not drink alcohol. I have horrible meltdowns / rages every so often, when I completely lose the plo. Any advice?

I know you've tried meds and counselling but I urge you to try again. You sound very depressed. There are many different kinds of anti-depressants, just because one didn't help for you it doesn't mean another one won't either. Counselling also comes in different formats, do you know what kind you had? Things that really helped me overcome depression (although it does come back) were singing in a choir, learning to ride horses and volunteering at a local children's home. I've since learnt about mindfulness, and it ties in with those kind of activities as you have to be in the moment while you're busy with them.

Your thread title & first two paragraphs are something I could have written, & also having the meltdowns/rages (I call them "episodes"!). I self-diagnosed with dysthymic depression after lurking on this section of MN for ages. I had several appointments with various mental healthcare people before I saw a psychiatrist who I felt comfortable with.

I am a still very much a case in progress but my main point is have you seen a psychiatrist rather than just a GP for meds/counselling? I definitely think that is the better course of action, especially for "non-standard" depression. Psychiatrists are the experts in meds & should be able to find one to suit you & tailor it to your needs & recommend a counsellor who would be most appropriate.

I have been to a psychiatrist several years ago, who said I was fine, just a perfectionist. A couple of months later I lost my job as , basically, wasn't up to it. I have never got over this. The counsellor was a psychotherapist. Her clinic was in her home which was, eek, next door to my boss's house. Mortifying, kept bumping into boss's husband. It was expensive and helped a bit at the time. My gp is sympathetic but a bit me, reall. I have been looking for help for a long time.

The only conclusion is that you need to be re-evaluated by a decent psychiatrist as you clearly can't carry on feeling like this. There will be no magical solution, no epithets or platitudes that people can post that will solve your issues. Ask for a referral, preferably private if there is a way you can do that, maybe see a different GP if possible (you don't have to explain why). As you have had issues going back into the past it is likely that more psychotherapy/counselling will be required - no quick fixes, but at least you can feel like you are doing something to work towards feeling better.

Thanks Idlevice, I have been through this with my GP several times at this stage and it hasn't helped. Advice such as "be kinder to yourself", "it's normal to feel overwhelmed when your kids are small" are incidental as I would feel like this if I didn't have kids. In a way, perhaps subconsciously I had kids, got married to avoid having to deal with real life, career path etc. Does anyone else relate to this? My DH is lovely but he is almost like a parent to me! I have little control over aspects of my life and I probably like that even though I claim not to. I will never actually kill myself but have an internal voice telling me to do so. I mutter it to myself sometimes, almost involuntarily. I feel such intense anger at times that it really scares me. I am completely paranoid about discussing it as it feels taboo for a woman to feel like this.