I don't know what I hope to achieve from writing this. It's a distraction from how I feel if nothing else.
It's 10am on a Wednesday and I shoutld be in work. instead I am in bed drinking gin and wondering how much I would need to kill myself .
I bring misery to everyone. I suffer from tinnitus. It's a nightmare. I've had it for 9 months. the Dr says there is nothing that can be done for me. I have this noise in my head all the time and I'm terrified of it. I have a panic attack every morning when I wake. I can't focus on anything else. It's like I'm obsessed with it.
I have a 4yo ds who is amazing. I know every mum thinnks their child is amazing but he really is. Hes kind and funny and just beautiful.
but he doesn't love with me . I lost custody of him in 2013 when I split from my ex h of 8 years. I attempted suicide then and my ex reported to the ss and it went to court. they gave him residency.
in addition I have emetophobia which makes looking after him hard. this is why I can't get him back.
I'm a failure in every way and this tinnitus Is my punishment for My acts. I cause so much pain and worry to everyone. I'm letting down everyone at my job. I can't move. I can't see a way out.