Helpful/unhelpful things a friend does if you suffer from anxiety?

[FuriousBird]

I have 2 questions really -

Firstly my dearest and closest friend is having a very bad time with anxiety/depression. I only found out about the latest attack recently - she lives 2-3 hours from me and was supposed to come and stay for a few days, made a few strange excuses then finally said she can barely make herself get out of bed so couldn't manage to come.

I know that she has not told anyone else - I am literally the only person she talks to about anything other than superficial stuff. She is not sleeping and I suspect not eating. I have offered many times to go and stay for a few days but she says no. I don't want to push but I am so worried. What can I do? Should I just go to her?

Second thing - I know that it is because she is sick but she has really let me down several times over the years and I am struggling with being the only one she talks to yet refuses any practical help, if there is any, I don't know. I feel sort of responsible even though logically I know I am not. DH feels angry with my friend for upsetting me. I feel so preoccupied and worried about her but also helpless. How can I protect myself but still be there for her?

Thanks in advance.

by promising to make a phone call at a regular time, say 2 or 3 times a week? just an idea.

I just go about normally. I send links to funny stuff and fashion. I keep her up to date with family and friend stuff. I send little cards and generally let her know she is a valued friend and illness makes no difference to that.

Don't reassure - don't worry x will never happen, the chances of y are small, it will be alright
Don't minimise - I'm sure it's not that bad really, you'll be right in no time, we all feel low sometimes
Don't expect - when you say she's let you down, well, it sounds like she's very ill... Do you mean she's done nasty or manipulative things or just that she's bailed on events or been a bit self absorbed? Because this is just her illness, so if you're expecting her to behave as though she weren't ill it's probably going to take a toll on you.
Don't caretake - you don't need to fix this. She may want you to listen but you can listen as much as you can or feel able for and offer just that. You don't need to offer practical help if that's not what she wants. G

^I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.^

That's from a poem called The Invitation (Oriah Mountain Dreamer). A friend who can offer even short moments of this, even glimpses, is balm to the soul. It doesn't have to be any more than the odd moment of connection. Don't try to fix it, it isn't your job.

Thank you all, that is really helpful.

I phone her only occasionally at the moment and mostly we communicate through messages. We have planned calls then she might not feel up to it. It's a big issue for her to let me see a side of her which is not funny, happy, making things good for me etc. I have said many times that she can be exactly how she needs to be, but it's hard, I get that.

I know I can't fix anything. Because I know that she puts on a brave face for everyone else, I guess I assumed a kind of false responsibility and have tried to be the person she can be open with. But I'm not even sure that she wants me to do anything right now.

I have said things like "you will get better" and "you won't always feel like this" - maybe I shouldn't do that.

By let down I don't mean anything horrible just lots of cancelling arrangements at the last minute, sometimes important ones like going on holiday together to celebrate my birthday. I know that she can't help it and I would never say anything to her about it - just admitting here that I feel upset that we don't get to spend any time together despite me making huge amounts of effort. My DH sees it very much as me making all the effort and everything being on my friend's terms.

I've suffered with depression and anxiety for 20 years.

I've never experienced any friend or professional who could actively help me out of bad spells, it's something I need to work through alone. I feel ashamed when I can't get out of bed/eat, so I would be horrified if anyone came over unannounced. So I wouldn't want anyone who was too pushy or insistent that they don't really mind how I appear, because it matters to me, and that's what's important. I also often ignore phone calls/don't read emails/don't turn up if I'm feeling fragile. Some people are forgiving about that, others bear a grudge and just don't get it. Yes, it's letting people down, but you need to be able to see depression as an illness. If someone had a physical illness which meant they couldn't leave the house or use other forms of communication, would you feel the same way? Mental illness is no less debilitating.

I can't stand reassuring platitudes or bits of advice which are well-meaning but inappropriate ("try some exercise! Go to bed earlier!"). And any kind of minimising of my condition, for example when seeking help from SS or through benefits I've been told that I'm labelling myself. It's important for friends to take the illness seriously and not gloss over the situation.

I would never say to her that I feel upset that she is unable to do much to maintain our friendship. I say that to my DH and now here. Your experience helped me to understand better, thank you. She has not talked to a doctor, I know that. She is indeed working through things entirely alone. I don't expect to be able to do anything to actually improve her illness, but I would like to understand more so that I can avoid unhelpful behaviours and make sure she knows I will not run away, even if at the moment she possibly doesn't care even if I do.

I think your friend will be caring very much about whether you will run away or not. It is likely she feels terribly guilty about letting you down and sits worrying about it, making herself even more anxious in the process. But, no matter how much she might want to go out or see you, her anxiety will win out and she'll end up cancelling. It is likely it takes her a lot of courage to even contact you to do that.

Appearances are probably very important to her and it won't matter that she knows you won't care what state she is in if you meet - she will care.

Anxiety is a horrible self-fulfilling illness. You worry and worry about trivial things (and big stuff) and end up bringing on an anxiety attack and the cycle continues.

If your friend is struggling as much as you say I think she needs to see her GP. She sounds very isolated and could sink into serious depression without help. I would definitely maintain contact with her, ignore the cancelling and try not to take it personally, she really can't help it.

I hope your friend finds the help she needs. I know you say she is refusing offers of help etc, but do you think a little gentle encouragement to see her GP would be really offensive to her? Would she allow you to go with her, just to keep her occupied in the waiting room so she doesn't go into anxiety overload and have another attack. She is probably terrified at the thought of seeing her GP and 'admitting' to having a mental illness. I still feel there is a long way to go before the mental illness stigma is shed.

I really feel for your friend, it totally takes over your life.

You are a good friend for even bothering to ask these questions. I hope your friend is going to be ok OP.

Thank you ParyMoppins (great name!). I have suggested the GP a few times now and she either makes excuses or skillfully deflects in other ways. If I push, she will just stop replying to me. Believe me, I want to go to her and frogmarch her to the surgery! I would happily go with her to the GP and have said this many times, but I don't think I can force the issue, can I?

One of the reasons I find it all so sad is that I am moving even further away soon (very far, as in see each other once every 2 years maybe) so I really, really wanted to make the most of these last months where it was much easier to meet. Feeling like she didn't seem to want the same was so upsetting, but this thread has helped me to understand that it's not personal and I should get over myself.

Don't beat yourself up OP, you are understandably feeling hurt at her seeming reluctance to see you. I think anyone would be the same.

You're a good friend for seeing past all that and trying to help anyway. That's what friends are about, right?

I don't really know how you can help her if she is refusing your offers to hand-hold at the docs. I understand what you're saying when you feel reluctant to push the issue in case she stops contact altogether.

I think short of physically taking her to the GP you'll just have to keep up the contact via messaging (phonecalls can cause massive anxiety) and remind her that you're always there for her.

It's a tricky one.

I guess at a certain point, stepping in can be necessary, but how to judge that....?

Exactly. It's very tricky for you.

Is there anyone else aware at all about her anxiety? Someone she will feel comfortable seeing..a family member maybe?

It really is difficult to judge if she actually wants help but is too proud or ashamed of her 'state' to say so. Or, does she genuinely think she is able to cope and conquer it alone? Only she really knows that I guess.

Maintaining contact in a way that is acceptable to her seems the best option at the moment it seems. Try not to take too much on board yourself OP, you really can't force someone to accept help if they don't want it.

Good luck with your move btw!

No one else is aware, she told me that. She is keeping up appearances when she has to, I think, then collapsing with exhaustion afterwards. She won't talk to family - the relationship is superficial. I believe that she genuinely thinks she can cope alone - very stubbornly independent! Thanks for taking the time to reply.

No problem, I've been in her position in the past so I can understand what is going on in her head a little.

I thought at first I was able to manage it myself but when my anxiety increased to the point I got that familiar dread feeling as soon as my eyes opened every morning and I seriously began to put off leaving the house..I knew I was in trouble.

I was able to quite easily admit that I needed help and had fantastic support from my DP at the time. Without my then DP I don't know I got through the day sometimes. He put up with such a lot.

Your friend may get to the point where she is ready to admit she isn't coping and turn to you then. If you maintain contact via text she will be able to if she needs it..

Someone else may have a better idea. I hope she will be ok.