I've had a couple of not-great sexual experiences in my life. The first was with an ex who used to hurt me periodically (not very seriously - biting, grabbing, pinning down) and eventually had sex with me when I didn't want him to (although this wasn't violent). I wrote about it on the Relationships board and was advised that it was very serious and that I should leave. I did eventually (after a lot of mind games from him).
The second was with someone I had been getting on and flirting with for a while, we went back to his house for a drink one night and he became very pressurising about having sex. I tried to back out and change my mind, but he wouldn't really take no for an answer. At first I went along with it, but then I was shaking and asking if we could wait, but he just told me to relax as I was making him feel bad eventually I stopped stopping him and he had sex with me.
This was all several years ago, and I am now married and things are much better. But I've always felt like what happened has changed me, made me less confident, less able and clever (I know that doesn't make any sense). I very recently told my husband that I had had bad sexual experiences and he was understanding, although we haven't talked about it much.
Anyway, to the point, I now feel that I am quite a 'fragile' person. I work in a reasonably stressful job but whereas others seem to cope, it doesn't take much to push me, make me feel ill, tired, on high alert all the time. At work I jump if anyone comes into the room, and sometimes I just have to go into the loos and push myself right into the corner of the cubicle. This makes me feel safe. I stay there for about 10 mins then I come out and feel a bit better. I am finding it hard to get to sleep and stay asleep, and when I sleep I often have disturbing dreams about the things that happened, but with the 'bad guy' being people I know or work with. These dreams leave me with a horrible feeling, and because they are so vivid in a way it feels like they really did it.
I blow things out of proportion in my head and worry a lot about whether I am doing my job properly, whether I am being a proper wife and sometimes I wonder what my husband can possibly love about me. I feel like I am useless at everything - work, relationships, I don't have any talents. There is nothing I can say I'm good at. I secretly wonder why anyone bothers with me. I have split second moments where I get a feeling which I think is dissociation.
I feel like I might be going mad, might be about to throw everything away and I don't know what to do.