my depression is my own fault but i dont know how to change things

[divastrop]

i will be 20 wks pg with child no.5 tomorrow.i have been sufferign AND since the start of the pg and am on prozac(since week 12).
basically,today my dp got very annoyed with me.i have been feeling insecure and thinking he doesnt love me and is going to find somebody else.i get very paranoid and although i dont directly accuse him of things i keep constantly asking for reassurance and i take everything to heart,i will take harmless comments he makes and twist them around.he does alot around the house but i get upset when he'd rather be on his pc than spend time with me,even though i just moan or go on at him when he does so i suppose its understandable.
anyway,today he got pissed off,and said i was never happy no matter what he did,that i was never satisfied and all i do is moan.he said that i was trying to change him and that he will not change for anybody.and he said i should either end the relationship or stop being that way.

i can understand his frustration but i dont know what to do.i feel like he's said'get better now or our relationship is over'.ive been seeing a councellor for over a year and she thinks i should be positive and realise i have a good man this time(i have been in 2 abusive relationships)but she cant suggest any ways to sort myself out.i am waiting for an appointment for what i think is cbt.i am in the middle of working through a self help book recomended to me on here.i dont know what else i can do.

sorry for the long post this has been building up inside me for weeks and i needed to get it out.

divastrop your depression is not your fault. Depression is an illness and if you've been in abusive relationships before so its no wonder you need reassurance.

Your also pregnant and that sends your hormones crazy and you have 4 children to look after, please don't be too hard on yourself.

If your counsellor can't help you any further then maybe its time for a different counsellor.

You are stressed and need some you time, is there any way you can get a baby sitter and go out with dp?

the CBT will really help - i had it and it was fantatic..started wowkring quickly...it makes you think about your patterns of behaviour and gives you the tools to change.and become more positive...that in conjunction with ADs should really help....

read anything you can get hold of by Dorothy Rowe - she has written some amazing books on depression....and they are good for partners to read as they are straightforward in the way they describe living with depression...

try and hang on in there..the help you are getting will make a difference

it is really positive you are helping yourself...keep going

Firstly,it is not your fault that you are depressed,it is an illness and can strike anyone at anytime.

You are 20 weeks pg (is it no 1 btw).My dp describes me as a "nightmare" when I am pregnant.All those hormones!!

He probably needs some time to "chill" on the computer at times Im sure its no reflection on you.If he is a good un and helping round the house etc then maybe hes just had a bad day.He is probably a bit anxious about the impending arrival too.Have you got out together as a couple recently?Could you go out for a night for a meal/movie.

If you have had 2 abusive relationships you are bound to feel wobbly at times.Lots of people say CBT is useful,so Id see how this goes.

Sorry,can't be much more help,but hope you get over this blip and things go smoothly.

divastrop - if youre anything like me, just having let it out on here will have already relieved the pressure somewhat - i hope so.

like the others have said, you are not to blame, you are very much allowed to be emotional and unstable at the moment given the stress you are under (4 kids, pregnant, ill with depression, in a relationship with someone who may well care but doesnt understand...)
you are doing very very well by taking practical steps to get better; the AD's, the counsellor (who i agree has probably outlived her usefulness if she cant help further) and CBT, which i am pretty in favour of too btw). the CBT will give you the practical tools to take yourself further, as lulu says and you will be getting better day by day...

i echo the sentiment, hold on in there. i think you are fab to be taking such good care of yourself given how hard it is and i am sure you will be back on your feet and getting more positive very very soon.

give yourself a great big hug and a clap on the back too

it takes time to learn that someone does care about you and to break the link of an abusive relationship sometimes you try to preempt the abuse even if it is not going to come

thank you all for replying.i have been reading a thread on relationships which was slightly similar to how i feel and there was some good advice on there also.
there is no chance of us getting a babysitter as my family are 350 miles away.there is nobody on his side who is able to do it either.
i think he has just spent so long being supportive of me and he just got frustrated with it all.when i am feeling ok and see things logically i feel glad he can unwind on the pc rather than going to the pub or things like that.but when i am feeling really down i think he should be at my beck and call cos i feel like this as im having his baby.i know that is unfair and unreasonable.
i have been like this in all of my pg's and i feel i have brought it on myself by getting pg again.but its easy to forget the 9 months of crap when i have a little bundle of love in my arms!i just hope i dont drive him away.

gothicmama-you sound like you know what you are talking about.i do feel when he gets angry(which is hardly ever)'this is it,ive pushed him so far hes going to hit me/walk out/start being nasty and treating me like s**t'.of course he doesnt.the most he does is go for a walk to calm down.

divastrop - It will get better I find being prg always makes me feel more vulnerable and so more defensive.
If you can't get a babysitter how about having a date night at home (nice meal, dvd or soem trash on the telly and just spend time together)
You need to learn to trust your man remember he is not your other partners HTH

i feel very vulnerable when im pregnant plus very unattractive hence the paranoia.plus when i was in abusive relationships the abuse started when i was pregnant.
well i am halfway there now so hopefully i'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
thanks again to everyone who replied

hang in there have spoken to your midwife or someone else about how you feel? It is common probably more so than you think