Need some perspective about my mother

[Scaredandanxious]

Ok, so I have my own issues around insecurity... I find lots of things difficult in life but because of growing up with my mother I am driven to succeed despite/because of this..

She has always used her health as a tool, it feels. She often ducks out of doing things because she says that the situation has made her ill. This isn't always the case, she can go to things and she does have a good time and as a consequence it is very difficult to understand what she really thinks/feels.

Today there was a Large celebratory party for some of their friends, I would have thought it was her idea of hell - low ceiling, lots of people she didn't know, noisy, hot.... Dh and I left before she did, she was the life and soul of the party....

So why is it that when I invite her to do something with me, attend a special occasion for me that she cannot bring herself to make it? Is this because I'm so close it is easier to run away from? Is it easier to turn your daughter down instead of your friends? I cannot help but be hurt, she has missed just about all significant events including the first days of my daughters life including her birth, my graduation, engagement party and several significant official ceremonies
Our wedding was changed so to make it less anxiety laden so she could attend...

Perhaps she's scared of letting you down by eg having a panic attack, having an ibs attack (not sure what her problem is?) So if it happened at the friends' party, it was only them she "caused a scene" for, it wasn't her daughter

Also yes you are probably easier to let down because you will always be in a relationship

You can't manage this for her though, especially if she's not even telling you what the problem is

She says that she is afraid of meeting new people and going to new places, I've never seen her cause any kind of scene, there are no visible panics, no IBS rushing to the loos incidents (I know them very well)

It just makes me sad that she isn't there for so many things but can do it for some people

Have you been able to explain to her how you feel about her not being there?

Ohoneday...
If I try she gets very upset saying that I put too much pressure on her, that I expect too much. I'm old enough that I shouldn't need to have my mother at things but I have always wanted her, and her approval I suppose in what I do.
Oh this is very complicated and she has had so many problems with pnd, anxiety etc, I'm silly to think that this is going to change, I can't make it better, I never have

I know it may be hard but could you try turning things around a bit. Try and accept in yourself that it is you and your dcs and partner who are the nucleus of your family who are the essentials at a family 'do'. Everyone else is just 'nice to have'. That has the double effect of you not feeling rotten when / if she turns you down and also lessening the pressure she may feel from you. So could you plan a mini, relatively unimportant gathering eg easter and then tell her you are doing it and she is very welcome to attend if she wants?
also try to take the pressure off yourself - you are happy and have gorgeous dcs make that enough for now and slowly built a more 2nd sided relationship with your mother.