I need to address this but I don't know where to start (possible trigger alert)

[Ikeatears]

So, I've been with my lovely dh for 15 years and sex has always been an issue. I love him and I fancy him but...I can't switch my mind off during sex or even just the lead up to sex. If he touches me in the 'wrong' place or goes at a pace I'm not happy with I immediately switch off - it's like my skin can't bear him to touch me. He is loving and gentle and very patient but I am constantly rejecting me him I find it impossible to continue and we both end up miserable and frustrated.
I have a history of depression and anxiety stemming from a variety of experiences in my past (pre dh). I was also sexually abused as a 10 year old by an older child, had an inappropriate relationship with a person in a position of trust at 15/16 and was raped as a 19 year old after I got into a stranger's car late at night when I was living and working in another country.
I have had some therapy but nothing has really been what I feel I need and yet I don't know what I need.
Last night dh and I had a discussion about our sex life (sex is probably once a month at best - can go months without it) and he said he thought after all these years things might have improved but as they haven't, he can't see how they ever will and he is resigned to the situation. This makes me so sad as he shouldn't have to give up his sex life and neither should I.
I've tried a few helplines today with little or no success (no answer, wrong postcode for referral etc) I don't want to go to my gp and can't get an appointment for two weeks anyway but previous experience has been long waits and inappropriate therapy (eg CBT when I know I NEED to get to the bottom of my past not just place it in a box and think about the here and now)
Can anybody help with advice? I'm currently feeling like my low mood is returning but not in a full-blown depression and I want to tackle all of this once and for all. Please help me.

If money is holding you back from access private counselling then I have heard that BPAS sometimes offer counsellors at lower rates. Or does your work offer private health care insurance?

The other thing to consider is that intense therapy of the sort you sound like you are considering may make you feel worse before you feel better - it brings up all the old feelings to be reprocessed in a safe place iyswim.

I'm really sorry you feel this way. I hope you can get the help you need.

In a totally non qualified suggestion(i.e you can tell me to get bent!), might it help if your dh was completely passive for one time? So you are the one touching and doing and in control?

Thanks Lady, I think private counselling may be the way to go - we can't really afford it but it has to be worth a try. I'm just so confused by the array of counsellors and therapists on offer. Where do I start? How do I know the 'right' therapist for me?
Thanks for the suggestion, unfortunately, I can't even make myself do this if I am 'switched' off

Private counselling from a charity is likely to cost about £20/hour but you might be able to find nd some for free (Rape crisis?). As PP has said be prepared to feel much,much worse in the short to medium term as you 're-feel' all the bad stuff again. However it is completely worth it and will really help. I found the first year (sorry long time!) made me feel worse but after that it really paid off!

Thanks, I've been given the local rape crisis number and the national number but so far haven't had much luck in getting through. I'll keep trying. Does it really work though? It's been so long that I've felt like this that I can't imagine I can change now.

Yes! It really can. I can only speak personally but what I found helpful was actually slowly putting into words what some traumatic events had felt like and realising what coping strategies I'd found subconsciously. Some of those coping strategies were totally appropriate at the time but we're really holding me back. I cried a lot, both during counselling and also felt 'low' the day after, almost empty. It was definitely something I needed DHs support for. Honestly though, I would really really recommend it, I'm just trying to give an honest (if extremely limited sample) picture.

Thank you. Dh is definitely supportive - he always has been - we just haven't known the right way to handle any of it.
Can anyone recommend any self help books? Anything dh and I can look at together or anything I can work through alone?