What's wrong with me? Pnd or something else?

[Eminybob]

Please help me I don't know where to start I'm sat here crying like an idiot.

I've always had anxiety issues and been on various anti anxiety meds, plus had issues sleeping. I've stopped taking then since being pg and thought I wouldn't need to since being off work on mat leave.

I have a 7 mo DS who I adore. DP and I have had arguments in the past but nothing serious.

In the last few months I've had, for want of a better word, episodes, where I have just gone absolutely mental for the smallest reason, screaming, throwing things, slamming doors etc.

Today things have just gone insane. I've had an issue doing some DIY and I went crazy, screaming and crying because things didn't work out. DP managed to calm me down and we went out it was fine then I couldn't find my phone and again I just went beserk like a crazy person.

I just don't know what happens to me, I know in my head I'm acting irrationally but I can't stop I hear myself screaming and slamming doors and I hate myself but I just can't help myself.

I would never ever hurt my baby but DP is really worried about me and about DS and doesn't want to leave me with him. I know he would be safe but I understand why DP is so scared. I'm scared of myself I don't know why I'm like this or what I can do to stop I feel like a crazy person.

I know due to previous history the hv wanted to monitor me for pnd but I don't know if that's what this is or am I just an awful person. Please help.

I'm sure you are not an awful person. It could be PND, I got diagnosed with PND late about 6 months after giving birth. The whole time before and after birth is a hormonal and emotional rollercoaster. Have you ever addressed your anxiety, apart from meds? If not, perhaps now might be the time. Maybe have a think about what are the triggers for these episodes, who are you with? Does it ever happen when you are just on your own with DS? (I would be willing to bet it doesn't)

It's always DP that I go off at. Sometimes off the back of an argument, sometimes just over silly stuff like yesterday.
I've never ever gotten like it with DS or when it's just the 2 of us no.

I thought that my anxiety in the past was work related, and when I first went on mat leave I felt so much better, but things have been winding up again over the last couple of months. Sleep deprivation is a factor I think, DS has never slept through. He isn't a terrible sleeper but is bf so I do all the night wakings, and I struggle to go back off after.

I just feel terrible today. I can't even face DP I would be surprised if he's talking to me.

Is your DP helping out much and doing his bit? Supporting you by allowing you to get some sleep sometimes? I'm wondering if some of your anger towards him could be some underlying resentment or unfairness that you feel, and you have not been able to express that to him, so it's coming out in arguments about something else.

He does help out when he's here, and gets up with DS every other day to let me get a bit more rest, but then he has to go to work so it's not for hours obviously.
On Saturday, he got up early with DS, but then was back upstairs an hour later saying DS was tired (he can usually go 2 hours after wake up time before he needs a nap) and he hadn't given him any breakfast. So I said I'd put him down (he bfs to sleep) but he wouldn't go down, because he wasn't tired enough, but by this time DP had gone back to bed, where he stayed until 11am!

So yeah, that pissed me off a bit, and I do feel a bit resentful when he can lie on for as long as he likes, and go out whenever he likes, although to be fair it's not that often. He's generally a good DP and dad.