Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

citalopram and suicidal thoughts?

28 replies

oddconference · 15/02/2015 09:36

I've had PND for almost two years now, since my little boy was born. I've been recently diagnosed with anxiety on top of that and prescribed citalopram. Its been nearly two weeks since I started taking it and I can't shake the suicidal thoughts from my head.

Its odd because I don't think I am suicidal, but I keep getting flashes of killing myself and imagining how much better off my little boy would be without me. There doesn't seem to be any particular trigger for them, they just pop into my head multiple times a day, and when it happens it's all I can think about.

I know I need to go back and see my GP, I have an appointment on Wednesday. I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced this in the earlu stages of taking it and its passed? The warning on the leaflet is for under 25, I'm quite a bit older than that.

OP posts:

MrsMinton · 15/02/2015 23:16

It can still effect you in the first two weeks of taking them, despite being over 25. You should go as an emergency appointment to your GP tomorrow really. How are you feeling tonight?

ghostinthecanvas · 15/02/2015 23:24

My gp warned me this could happen and to see her asap if it did. I am a lot older than 25. Take care of yourself and maybe make sure you have company

SkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 15/02/2015 23:33

This happened to me on escitalopram at 26! Don't ignore it. Get someone to sit with you and get to the doctor as soon as you can. Things will get better! Wishing you well OP

Aubrianna · 16/02/2015 01:05

I recently started taking citalopram - I do have these thoughts a lot but I also had them before. Like you say I get flashes of harming myself in some way just from seeing an object or situation and it is all I can see in my mind.
I don't want to harm myself which is why I have always told the gp I don't feel suicidal and am not self harming.

Original poster

oddconference · 16/02/2015 09:43

My little boy us at nursery so I feel a bit more able to cope today, I don't have guilt about not being fully present for him on top of the thoughts.

I rang my GP too, I have a telephone appointment for this afternoon. I couldn't tell the receptionist how bad I felt but i think I'll be able to tel the GP.

I still don't think I'm actually suicidal, I've self-harmed but I'm in control of that and it was the only thing that made the thoughts stop for a while and they had to when I was with DS. But I am worried that if they continue that might change.

OP posts:

ghostinthecanvas · 16/02/2015 14:40

It's great you are speaking to your gp today. I hope the conversation goes well and you manage to say all the important things.

Original poster

oddconference · 16/02/2015 16:48

He's reduced my dosage and says I should try to carry on with it and see if the reduction means the thoughts pass. I feel like I want to just completely stop taking it but I suppose a reduction is more sensible first.

I couldn't face going to pick my son up so I had to get his godmother to do it. I feel like I'm such a horrible mother that I can't snap out of the fog I have surrounding him, he deserves so much better than this.

OP posts:

MrsMinton · 16/02/2015 18:13

Odd you are doing really well. Be kind to yourself at the moment. I felt I'd let my boys down but actually I haven't. Just take it an hour at a time and take any help you can. It's enough to be sorting food for you both and keeping you both clean and safe and cuddling him at the moment.

ghostinthecanvas · 16/02/2015 18:24

A reduction does sound sensible.
I doubt very much you are a horrible mother, you are struggling. Most of us do at some point. Don't beat yourself up about it, be honest with your friends/family if you can be and make sure you are both looked after. Mental health illnesses are just that. Illness. Take care x

Original poster

oddconference · 17/02/2015 10:30

I just wish everything could stop for a little while. DS was sick this morning, so no nursery, but he's fine now and I can't cope with him. I'm trying to at least make it to the afternoon before palming him off on his godmother again. My head feels like it's constantly spinning and I can't stop it.

Sorry to post whining again, it does help a little bit to type it out and get it out of my head.

OP posts:

MrsMinton · 17/02/2015 10:34

Would he watch a DVD with you on the sofa/in bed. Just curl up quiet for a while?

You aren't whining. You aren't well and it's exhausting. Changing the medication will leave you feeling off for a bit.

ghostinthecanvas · 17/02/2015 12:22

Exactly what MrsMinton said.

We are here on mn to chat, listen, help, get help. Well, I am. I have a health thread on the go at the moment. Not my first one! Everyone had been great, I do feel a bit whingy but can't talk about it so much in rl. I appreciate the help and like to help others when I can. Don't worry about it. Keep posting for help and advice. Bump occasionally if you need to.

Original poster

oddconference · 17/02/2015 22:24

He did watch a DVD, thank you so much for the suggestion, it hadn't even occurred to me as an idea because he was so hyper running around all over the place and I was focused on that.

He's sleeping over at my friends, I explained a little bit of how bad I was feeling and she offered to take him if it helped. I feel a little more relaxed knowing that I don't have to worry about him being upset by me or that if I zone out he'll find something to cause chaos with. He seemed really to cling to her so I wonder if he's picked up that something isn't right with Mama or at least that something is more wrong than normal.

I still have my doctors appointment tomorrow and I've written out something to explain how I'm feeling as I know when I get there I probably won't be able to explain it verbally. I feel like there's something much darker in me than I've felt before so I know it's important that I get that across and I sound much more understandable in writing than I do in person.

OP posts:

MrsMinton · 17/02/2015 23:42

DVDs, play dough or stickers and paper were so helpful on really bad days. I'm glad it helped.

That's such a good idea Odd, writing things down so you feel you have it all clear for your appointment.

I'm pleased you can rest and relax a bit tonight. Well done for talking to your friend. Support in RL is so important. They do pick up on you not being yourself but I promise you it's no harm done and it will get better.

I'll check in tomorrow.

MrsMinton · 18/02/2015 10:08

Morning odd. I hope you are ok.

Original poster

oddconference · 18/02/2015 20:02

My doctor still thinks the reduction is the best idea, but has also referred me to a community support team with an emergency number I can call if I feel like I'm becoming actually suicidal. Someone from the team is going to contact me over the next couple of days, I'm not really sure exactly what they are going to do but he mentioned something about it being to do with my self-harming.

My friend offered to stay with me and DS tonight and I'm really grateful, but also struggling with how much I can tell her. Part of me wants to just pour it all out but it's not fair to her to make her deal with this... and on some level I'm really worried she'll judge me. She knows I'm struggling but she doesn't know about the self-harming.

Thank you for checking in MissMinton, it's nice to be able to talk to someone who gets it!

OP posts:

MrsMinton · 18/02/2015 21:22

The community support number sounds helpful. I hope they can offer some practical support when you see them. If your DS is nursery age can you get any help from a family support worker or sure start volunteer worker? Might give you a bit more help.

I understand about telling people and worrying about their reactions. I didn't tell anyone in RL for a couple of months after starting my ADs. That's why MN was so helpful. People didn't know me, so I could talk about things more openly. I'll always help if I can.
Do you have any ways to distract yourself from SH?

Tiggertiff · 19/02/2015 00:22

I am on citalophram and IT takes between 2-4 weeks to get into your system some people take longer than others and it sends you downhill before you find that the tablets are working but I agree with everyone else, take someone with you when you go and see your doctor and just tell them how you are feeling

Carbonel · 19/02/2015 10:19

your friend sounds like a fab person. She can see all is not well and wants to help. It is hard to know how much to tell people but I have found that they usually have an idea and often because they have been there before. The Crisis team can be good too because they do know but their remit is to keep you safe long enough for the pills to work so may not always say what you want even if it is ultimately what you need to hear! Hope all is well. My dcs thankfully are old enough to fend for themselves mostly but the 'crap Mummy' feelings never go

Original poster

oddconference · 19/02/2015 20:19

You are right Carbonel, it seemed like she'd guessed about the SH before I told her. I thought she'd be shocked when I finally got it out but she didn't seem to be at all. Maybe I'm not hiding it all as well as I thought. The support team didn't contact me today so I guess probably tomorrow.

DS seemed pretty happy today to have both of us around after nursery, it made me feel a little less guilty about him picking up on how bad I'm feeling. It's a bit easier to be around him when I have someone else too like the pressure is off me.

I have some coping methods MissMinton, they normally work but not since the citalopram. I'm trying to do deep breathing or trying to reach out to someone when they strike but when I'm alone with DS I end up feeling like the most important thing is to stop myself from zoning out on him. And it works.

OP posts:

Original poster

oddconference · 22/02/2015 23:30

DS and I have both had terrible colds all weekend and been trapped in the house. It's been so difficult to be just one on one with him when he's even more needy than normal with no escape and it seems like he's constantly been crying for my friend instead of me today. Hopefully tomorrow we can get out of the house for at least a little while and have a break from the four walls.

OP posts:

Carbonel · 23/02/2015 02:09

Sorry to hear about your colds - it really does knock you for 6 on top of everything else. Hope you manage a trip out tomorrow - do you have a park or somewhere local that your ds can run off some of his energy? If you tire him out maybe you can have a duvet afternoon with another dvd.
Remember to take care of yourself too - take as many potions as you need to ward off your cold.

Original poster

oddconference · 24/02/2015 00:08

DH got in contact for the first time in weeks today asking to see DS. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

I took him to the park today and he had fun jumping in all the puddles and stroking all the dogs. I actually felt real rushes of love towards him for the first time in a few weeks, we had cake in a cafe and he was so happy. I feel a bit less numb overall which I'm hoping is a sign the reduction is having a good effect, even if the thoughts are still present for now.

OP posts:

thecatfromjapan · 24/02/2015 00:17

Poor you. Have you been given any sessions with a psychiatrist?
I was given citalopram to help with constant suicidal thoughts. The citalopram helped but I think it was talking to somebody that really helped.
I feel for you getting those thoughts as a result of the citalopram: that's grim.
It dounds as though it's beginning to work, though - what a lovely day, and what a lovely feeling to have in the park!

Original poster

oddconference · 27/02/2015 23:11

I'm on a waiting list for counselling, I'm hoping it will happen soon.

I nearly burnt the house down yesterday because I zoned out with a pan on. It burnt completely dry and I just keep thinking about what would have happened if I'd not been so lucky. DS is staying with his godmother tonight, I feel like the pan proves I can't trust myself around him... I'd never deliberately hurt him of course but anything could happen if the thoughts take over and I'm not paying attention. It's quite scary to think, I'm just trying to take it one hour at a time and not let it get to that stage again.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2