How do you cope with a regret which torments you every day which you cannot get over?

[lombardy]

There is something which I didn't do when I was younger that I should have done. It is something I regret every day and it affects my current life and will affect my future. I think about this every day, it literally torments me,I am miserable, depressed, have no hope, see a bleak future. Sometimes I think about how it would be if I was not here as I cannot escape this torment. Because I have kids I would feel guilty but I cannot get over this regret. How do other people cope? I am already taking anti-depressants but these don't stop the thoughts or the feelings of regret. I feel like I am in hell most days with this torment.

Sorry you're feeling so low Have you talked to anyone about this or been offered any counselling?

I understand how difficult it can be to move forward and it sounds like you need some help with this. If you want to talk about it more on here it might help too.

One thing I got told a few years ago when I was going through a difficult time and was tormented with guilt was that the 'if onlys' were all cul-de-sacs, they lead nowhere. You go over and over it all, what you could've done but the situation remains the same.

I don't know if this helps at all. There maybe someone on here who can help you more.

Have you thought of trying CBT - I didn't find it particularly helpful but for your problem Lombardy it could help. It sounds like you are having these intrusive thoughts about the past, which are spiralling down and down and it becomes a viscous circle, and CBT does aim to replace the negative thoughts with more balanced thoughts.

Is it possible that you have blown this thing from the past out of proportion as you are unable to move forward. Oh just seen the above post Iwasin and see you are saying something very similar and agree this is not the place to "spill the beans" - not at all.

I don't know how commonly it is offered but I've been doing compassion based therapy with my counsellor. Although I primarily see her for ocd/anxiety because I had so much guilt she suggested that type of therapy as it specifically addresses guilt. I have found it very useful. It seems very rooted in mindfulness practice so if you could find any books or self help stuff on mindfulness that might help? Because it helps you to live in the moment not the past (guilt) or the future (anxiety).

I have done CBT before and I didn't find it helpful at all. The problem is that this "regret" still impacts on things in my present day because of something I didn't do means that my life and that of my children is significantly harder than it could have been. I feel guilty and ashamed because I could have done this and I didn't (I didn't realise it at the time so in a way it is silly to regret it and the decision could have gone either way). But I beat myself up about it every day.

I tell myself I made the decision I did with the information I had at that time, and that I'm only a fallible.
Would it help to talk about it here, as I've also found it harder to bear the burden alone.

You can never tell the future. You say that if you had done this thing your life would be easier but you cannot be sure of that and of course everything else that has happened since then would be different too. It's too easy to beat yourself up but as you cannot change the past try and embrace the present and look at the good things that have happened since that may well not have done. Easier said than done I know .....

It sounds as if you were very young and also not aware of the implications. Have you spoken to anyone in real life about it?

I think you need to grieve before you can relinquish the goal of having a different past.