Looking for some hope

[Reframed]

Hey everyone.

I'm in the bottom of the dark pit and looking for some hope.

My history: serious PND 2 years ago. Realised I had suffered brief spells of unrecognised depression since primary school. Bad reaction to Sertraline and Citalopram, eventually settled on Mirtazapine and Venlafaxine. All in took about 8 months to feel recovery. Thought I was well back to work and slowly slowly weaned off meds

This year. Anxiety started building December time. Depression hit beginning of January. Struggled on until I had to stop work. Back onto same meds again but this time no relief. Things got darker and darker. Moved into parents as not coping.

Now: I feel I have reached new levels of despair. Each day I have suicidal thoughts and feel I cannot cope. Afraid to leave the house, desperate racing thoughts, constantly blaming myself for being weak, pathetic unable to cope. Still no relief from medication. Seeing an NHs psychiatrist in 2 weeks but I just feel so bleak and hopeless. Why aren't the Meds helping now? Why can't I feel anything but fear and sadness. I'm afraid of everything and feel my old self is gone. I feel I cannot take this another day but somehow with help I do. Life seems so meaningless and I feel certain I am too far gone to help, I can't undo the feeling of meaninglessness and hopelessness.

Please can anyone help? Is this really all depression or have I made myself worse with my negative thoughts and going to my parents for help. Has anyone had similar and recovered? What helped.

SOS from me to anyone who gets what I'm saying.

It does get better. Could you go and see your gp tomorrow and ask for details of the crisis team? You can ring them to talk and sometimes someone can come and see you at home, that sort of thing.

Thanks. I have been referred to MH TEAM but they didn't feel I was "crisis" even though I told them everything and went to hospital at the weekend due to suicidal thoughts and paranoia. I just don't think they feel it is serious.

Keep pushing. The cmht will have be able to support you, you can ring the local base too and ask to speak to the duty psych or someone like that. They can be really helpful.

Thanks for the advice. I just fear I have caused this through my own thinking. I worry I can't get better.

Can you try some cbt? That helps you change your thought process? It's really important to find the right person to work though it with.