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Mental health

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Flip

Original poster

exdh and BPD

19 replies

onanotherday · 10/02/2015 21:01

Ex and I still married but separated. Last two years together very toxic and ended with him having breakdown. We all went through so much. However he never went far and missed DC so much. In the last few years has had alcohol issues, self harm, lost a great job. Generally hit rock bottom.
Last year or so has tried to make amends, has recently been diagnosed with borderline pd. Seems to be relieved and now wants to work to get back together. Wants to do relate and move in. I still love him but worry that kids have been through too much. Anyone had experience? Is there a positive outcome or should l cut and run for good?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 10/02/2015 21:02

Run very far away.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 10/02/2015 21:05

Borderline PD is pretty much untreatable as far as I know. The behaviour is unlikely to change.

He's likely to be relieved because now he has an "excuse" for his behaviour. Free pass. You just have to put up with him now he has a diagnosis.

I would not take him back if I were you.

flanjabelle · 10/02/2015 21:11

Wow fantastic stereotypical attitudes there.

Borderline IS NOT UNTREATABLE.

I have a diagnosis of bpd, but actually I would say that I have been so well for so long now I would question whether I meet the criteria anymore.

I had intensive psychotherapy which completely changed my life. it's not a pretty process and I would suggest that you let your ex go through it before considering entering a relationship again, but there is no reason why a person with bpd can not make progress.

I was relieved when I got my diagnosis as I was scared and didn't know why I felt the way I did, why I was so unstable. I wasn't happy that I had found an excuse ffs. Ahat you clearly have no idea what you are talking about.

I fucking hate the attitude towards bpd on here.

gamerchick · 10/02/2015 21:14

Good for you flan it's nice to hear you can come through the other side.

As someone who deals and CARES for on a daily basis someone with a personality disorder my advice stands with fucking bells on.
Don't expose any kids to his discovery. He has to do it on his own before even going there.

gamerchick · 10/02/2015 21:15

*recovery

flanjabelle · 10/02/2015 21:17

If you read my post properly you would see that I said exactly that!

creamhearts · 10/02/2015 21:27

BPD is treatable. It is not an excuse for poor behaviour though so don't tolerate any shit from him.

He needs to do some specialist BPD therapy - DBT is the one offered the most. BPD takes 1 year + of intensive therapy to be treated.

I would ask for him to be stable for a while before moving forward and for him to show his commitment to recovery before moving back in. He may well not be ready for relate yet - BPD therapies tend to work on dealing with negative behaviours and managing them which then gives you the skills to use to move forward into doing normal therapy to deal with issues.

I don't know what he is like as a person and I can't comment on that but please ignore the out dated views on BPD here. Some people are dicks - BPD does not make you a dick, being a dick makes you a dick.

I have a BPD diagnosis and the stigma is hideous.

exWifebeginsat40 · 10/02/2015 21:29

do people honestly think that BPD diagnosis is somehow embraced by the sufferer as an excuse to be cuntish to everyone?

my BPD was caused by the neglect and abuse I suffered as a child growing up in an alcoholic household where sexual violence was the norm. I also have depression, anxiety, disordered eating and alcoholism, although I'm sober today and have been for some time.

it's not a lifestyle choice, for fucks sake. it's a crippling, terrifying, destructive way to live and certainly for me there has been collateral damage along the way.

I would give anything not to be who I am. do I somehow deserve to be alone forever because of an illness I didn't ask for and can't control?

jesus. have a little compassion.

exWifebeginsat40 · 10/02/2015 21:32

and I can't get any therapy. I have been diagnosed and abandoned and I'm trying hard to stay well and safe long enough to get some advocacy and try and change my outcome.

and yes my partner finds it tough going at times. but he loves me, and so he hasn't run screaming as some here would suggest.

creamhearts · 10/02/2015 21:35

exwife I hope you get the support you need. I had DBT and while it was not my cup of tea I can see how it is useful.

Oh and I am also happily married, so BPD does not = no relationship!!

flanjabelle · 10/02/2015 21:42

Exwife I really hope you find some help, you must feel so alone dealing with it by yourself x

exWifebeginsat40 · 10/02/2015 22:12

the local CMHT won't touch me. they discharged me knowing I had a BPD diagnosis - they just didn't tell me.

my BPD diagnosis explained so much about why I've done the things I've done. the problem is that it's triggered memories I've worked so hard to suppress.

so yeah. I'm hard work and I'm selfish and unreasonable and all I want is to be someone else or not be here at all.

I'm sorry that people have had awful experiences with BPD sufferers. I can only speak for myself. and I've survived this far despite my best efforts so I'll keep on trucking as long as I can.

Original poster

onanotherday · 10/02/2015 23:08

Thank you for all your comments. I do love and care about him. But he has caused much stress and trumor these last few years. The DC have had to deal with a lot. So although I would love to just start over, for their sake as much I need to see him live independently and successfully first. Its still only 2 months since his last episode.

OP posts:

exWifebeginsat40 · 10/02/2015 23:33

I think you're wise to give it some time. I hope you can work this out.

Original poster

onanotherday · 11/02/2015 08:06

Thank you ex wife, and wishing you a bright future????

OP posts:

Original poster

onanotherday · 04/03/2015 09:14

Up date, I feel trapped into having him here as he 'helped' me financially...but he is left with nothing...on incapacity ATM...but feel mean suggesting he could do some work?

OP posts:

Original poster

onanotherday · 04/04/2015 23:16

...and now he tells me I should stand on my own two feet...after losing my home and DC and I trying to find another privates rented home! Is this me or am I right to be pissed off?

OP posts:

catlover40 · 05/04/2015 12:07

AHAT i have bpd. I have done a degree and have a good job. I fight every single day. my DH is very good with me and understands having read an awful lot about the diagnosis and listening to me. I am unsure what you should do but read about it first and look at peoples accounts on the web. Perhaps go for counselling first and not allow him to move back in straight away. I hate peoples stereotypical attitudes about this it makes my blood boil!

catlover40 · 05/04/2015 12:14

It is difficult to work with bpd many people dont as it can be so changeable. I have to psych myself up for 2 hours before i go and often when i get home i have nothing left for the rest of the day.I am constantly paranoid, i self harm, i disassociate from reality, i have an eating disorder, i spend my money like water although do not go over my limit, i feel depressed much of the time and my emotions can change at the drop of a hat and i feel them extremely intensely, i have overdosed many times and ended up i hospital. I have learned coping strategies and am able to use them to get through my day. Its very hard and sometimes feel that i cannot work but i do as i need the distraction. Every one with bpd is different as to their ability to cope etc.

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