quick. do i make him come home or back off?? Anxiety.

[deadenddan]

Long backstory if you search my name but DH has anxiety and depression only recent so I'm learning all this how to deal now! We have 3 DC under 5.

He was driving for miles and staying at friends. He's now on propolanol (?) Last 3 days (if he's taking it) and talking to a 24hr counselling line.

He has only been home to shower and change and say hi to the kids 1 hr on thursday (went out slept at a friends). Friday slept here but since then he's only been home for a shower and is sleeping in his car halfway up a mountain.

Came home to do school run this morning then off again. Text contact in the day.
Sent a message saying 5 yr old is asking when he'll be home :( got the response that he doesn't know if he will tonight.

He'll be sleeping in his car again.

At the moment I'm being supportive stepford wife to his needs but I'm scared now. Do I let him be to work through it or do I tell him he must come home? ?

Someone on the other side of this tell me what to do for the best??!

I would say to make sure his GP knows how badly he is affected and for you to go with him to the GP as soon as you can.
I would be as sympathetic and supportive as you can but he needs help from professionals imo.
High anxiety makes me want to be alone in a white room so his sleeping on a mountainside sounds similar. I suspect that his anxiety needs medication to reduce but there are other things that can help eg meditation CDs, gentle yoga dvd, music CDs of natural sounds all help me. A supportive partner is like solid gold when you are anxious.
For me face to face counselling is best but I struggle to do counselling whilst my anxiety is unmediated. The annoying thing is that the anxiety mess sometimes take weeks to work and for some people make you even more anxious to begin with which is hard to bear.

i think he is at risk. i would talk to his gp and express your concerns. did you post something last week about the driving. he needs different medication for a start. propanalol only deals with the physical symptoms. perhaps if you tell him this that he may be willing to see his go again.

Hi yes I did it seems to have spiralled since then.

I did manage to make him come home for 1 hour last night to let me know he is safe. But he wouldn't/couldn't stay. He said that he was too scared to wake up to us all asleep?

He promised that he's in a better place (though can't see how sleeping in a car is that! ) and that he'll tty and be home and sleep at home today. I haven't heard from him since.

I called the gp I trust and she'll see him but obviously they can do nothing if he won't go in.

The propanol stuff wasn't from his GP he gave nothing. His sister prescribed it on a private scrip. She is a gp. She was worried and he'd take it from her though I suspect he isn't taking it anyway.

I would just use her but have already told them I think they are on dodgy ground if it's not in his record so would prefer the official route.

Hello again - and so sorry things are so tough for you all just now. I know when I am depressed/anxious I just want to withdraw - but can stay under the duvet which is at least safe in the sense that I'm not driving and putting myself and others at risk of an accident. SO I understand the need to try to "run away" from the emotional pain. Also I am phobic about anyone (especially loved ones) seeing me when I the depression gets severe and all I can do is cry and stare into space. SO I get that your DH might feel the same way, and I feel guilty and even ashamed when I am feeling really bad. It's all part of what mental illness does to us and makes us feel hopeless, worthless etc etc and even plants the idea firmly in our head that we will never get better, which is very scary and so of course the illness carries within it the seeds of its own destruction if that makes sense.

Can't imagine why DH's GP didn't prescribe anything. Did you actually go with him to the appointment because if not, can you be sure he did see a GP, as he does seem resistant to getting any help, though you say he is talking to a counselling service. Like you I'm not sure about his sister prescribing for him and to be honest I'm surprised a GP (even a relative) would prescribe for a family member. My nephew is a GP and he's not allowed to treat his own family.

Hmm ........are you sure he isn't at this friend's house as I think sleeping "halfway up a mountain" in one of the coldest months in the year doesn't sound very realistic to be honest. I would have thought that unless he was incredibly well wrapped up, he would be in danger of hypothermia when the temperatures drop overnight. What do you know about this friend - is he someone you know, and have they been friends for long. You mention he is drinking with this friend, even though he isn't a drinker. Many people with mental health problems do self-medicate with alcohol because it temporarily numbs the pain, but because it's a depressant, it does more harm than good of course. Is it a possibility that this is what's happening.

I think it's time for tough love and you need to tell him he must come home because it isn't fair of him to worry you like these, especially with 3 little children and a full time job. Ask him exactly where he is "halfway up this mountain" - sorry but it just doesn't ring true to me - sounds like something out of a fairy story. SO in my opinion time to stop being the supportive Stepford wife and tell him to come home! Also he should be made aware that driving when he's anxious (or maybe even after drinking alcohol) is dangerous to himself and others.

I do think Nana is right actualy and was thinking this earlier, by "allowing" him to behave this way it is almost feeding the anxiety - i think he needs to be told to get home and get to the Dr. Is his sister aware of how bad he is?

Thank you typing fast as he's home. Well sort of. We are in my car with kids asleep got to do oldest school run soon.

He's in the car at various parking spots, mountain/sea. He's leaving it running all night. On the last thread i worked out he spent £1600 on fuel in a month. Guess this explains it. I've had to separate the finances so he's now running out. He has just said he feels too guilty being at friends and if he had money he'd be in a hotel but he hasn't any so he's living in the car :(

He is at the friends sometimes and yes drinking. Which as he's a muslim that never has is a really REALLY bad sign I know.

His dsis i think is taking a massive risk. I'm going to talk to her.

Nana your words ring true. As soon as he gets near the kids and home he freaks (he is now). Like he wants me alone. Can't handle the happiness of the kids because they don't deserve his blackness? He just apologises over and over and over. I went for a shower and he panicked had to come be able to see me.

Thing is he's up when he's out and moving but anything other than constant motion and it's like instant panic and sorrow. Does that sound familiar?

He's outside having a fag at the mo but i know I'm forcing him to be here. He wants to run. He's asked twice but I keep making him talk. This isn't going to last though. The 2nd i pick the eldest up the 2yo will wake and they will want his love and attention and he'll be gone again.

His dsis doesn't know he's living in the car. She just had her 2nd baby i don't want to freak her out.

Trying to get hold of GP while i have him here but liklihood of an app is minimal.

I did go to gps with him first time but didn't go in. He could have made up some shite when in there i suppose. I'll go in next time!

Counsellor he's said they have said he can use someone local face to face starting Thursday. I'll try and go see if it's true. I could kiss my workplace for offering the service!

Got hold of them. It's sit and wait in the mornings only. No appointment ls. Pointed out he needed meds while i could very him there bit no.

FFS I've no chance tomorrow and i have to work.

For me if my anxiety is very high I could not stand to have the tv on or music as I would find this too stimulating, so under fives I really couldn't cope with except in a very very limited way where someone else had responsibility for them.
I think your dh is ill and whilst I would expect him to recover with support from GP, counsellor, friends and family, I think it may well take months rather than weeks. This sounds really really
difficult for you to deal with too.

I agree Snog and I often wonder how on earth so many young mums on the MH threads cope with depression/anxiety and other mental health issues when they have young children to care - I suppose they have to cope somehow as there is often no option - I salute them, I really do. When my bad days come, I can't cope with the cats! But I'm a grandmother so don't have to care for young children. Mind I won't allow my grandchildren to see me when I'm having a bad time, and they know to ring first to see if I'm ok. SO deadenddan I do totally "get" how your DH feels around the kids. Also of course under 5's are very high maintenance (as you well know) and he isn't in a fit state to cope with them.

You ask about his need to constantly move about - anxiety I think affects people in different ways, and it sounds like your DH is agitated and restless hence all the moving around, but for some people they just want to stay in bed or lie on the sofa and sleep.

I think you need to get your DH to the GP and make sure you go in with him and tell the GP exactly what's going on. He needs meds and he needs to take them. Can you strike some sort of compromise with your DH and insist he comes home, but he could I assume go out during the day while you're at work and the kids are at nursery I think? Walking might be better (and safer) than driving - so why not suggest he goes out walking. Then he could spend time with you when the kids are in bed, although I know you have a very young baby, but he/she is too young to know whether her dad is responding or not, so that shouldn't be a problem.

The sooner he gets some medication to take the edge off the anxiety, the better. It must be SO tough for you with 3 young DCs and a full time job. Is there anyone in RL who can support you?

Hi both. Thank you for your advice. Yesterday was HARD. He tried to have a day as a family and ended up jumping out of my moving car because baby was screaming. He scared the crap out of poor DC1 so all 3 were then crying.

Anyway dropped them at MILs got him back and had words about medication. Not sleeping in the car and it was AWFUL he freaked i was cutting off his only happy place. Won't consider ADs as he's too afraid of the fear getting worse and being too drowsy to drive. He's so scared he's stuck!

However he did sleep at home last night and is going to try tonight (he's driving now very ancy). He has a counselling session face to face tomorrow and I'm really hoping their objectivity will make him consider meds.

I'm also working on getting him into the GP for blood tests and i found out a. They should have done then anyway to rule out medical causes. B. his mother has thyroid issues which can be genetic. He's thin as a rake. Might be nothing but should be checked.

As for my support not really. His DB is trying bless him but I'm counting down the days until half term to go see my mum! Though a little nervous as despite dsis only just coming out of a MH cloud (5yrs in her room more or less), other dsis and dm having had pnd. My DF will still think DH should just man up. I find that people get angry about things they don't understand :(

This sounds so incredibly hard for you OP. The GP can give sleeping tabs and diazepam as a short term thing until the ADs kick in. Honestly, engaging with a good GP will make your DH feel better and get him on the road to recovery.

How are you doing OP?