I live on another continent from my entire family. It's just me, dh and four dcs. I love my family and I love my life, but I think I might be having a breakdown. I have breast cancer, and have had five surgeries in 10 mths. I started chemo in April last year and will finish at the end of June this year. I've been through so much, but I've coped. Until now. My house is filthy, all I want to do is sleep. I can't stop crying. I've been rude to random strangers - shop assistants, people who've spoken to me in the street. I'm horrible to my dcs. If I'm not crying I'm shouting at them and giving them fucking crackers for lunch. I'm such an organised, and in control person which is all people see, but I'm not. I'm dying inside. I'm building up credit card debt because spending makes me feel temporarily better, but then I'm terrified because I don't know how to pay it back. Dh works away so only sees bits of how I am and doesn't know how to deal with me. I've thought about what would happen if I just disappeared, jumped off a bridge. The dcs would be devastated but they would learnto forget me. I've been on ads before and all they did was numb me so I was still dying inside but could pretend I wasn't. My disordered eating has reared it's fucking ugly head again too and I'm either binging and purging or just not eating at all. I don't expect anyone to be able to help. I just had to write it down because I think I'm going mad. I hate myself for being ill. I hate my body for doing this to me and I hate having to pretend that I'm fine to everyone. I can't even tell my best friend because idobt know what to say.