Being a new mother with personality disorder

[Peaceloveandbiscuits]

Hello
I'm diagnosed as having PTSD and avoidant and dependant PDs. I've been through recovery and was discharged from psychiatric care in late 2013. Since having my first baby seven weeks ago I have started to struggle with my mental health again and have been referred back to the CMHT. I appreciate this as I feel safer with another pair of eyes watching over me while I have my DS to care for. I had my initial assessment last week so am waiting to hear back about what the plan is.
My illnesses are related to my childhood and my relationship with my mother in particular. I witnessed domestic violence and was abused by my mother and her partner for around ten years.
I worry constantly about my experiences and my crises, however infrequent they are these days, affecting my DS as he grows up. He is the most precious thing in my world and I want more than anything for him to be happy and healthy, and not ever feel the way I felt when I was little.
I wonder whether there are any resources for mothers with PD who are desperately trying to be good parents? When I Google the issue I have to wade through resources for people with a mother with PD who have been affected and need help themselves.
Perhaps there are others reading this forum who are in my shoes and can chat and offer advice?

I forgot to mention that I have continued taking medication since I was discharged and have no intention of stopping.

Congratulations on your new lovely arrival
You're doing all the right things. I'm not sure about online resources but have you thought about trying your local branch of MIND? They may be able to signpost you towards something appropriate. And don't forget, the CPN's, support workers and OT's at your local CMHT will be very knowledgeable about what's available out there to support you whether it be online or real life.

peaceloveandbiscuits (lovely name!) hello. Yes congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. Some people who suffer childhood trauma go on to repeat that pattern with their own children, but you are one of those rare and special people who is determined that your own child won't suffer in the way that you did. Ten years of abuse sounds very grim. I hope this doesn't sound simplistic but the very fact that you desperately want to be a good mother I think is enough, because you will put your child's needs before your own. You will know (more than many mothers) how it feels when you are not safe with the people who are supposed to love and care for you. Children need unconditional love to thrive, and I'm sure you will give that to your little boy.

I think your words he is the most precious thing in my world says it all - you can't not be a good parent when you have these maternal feelings and together with your determination that he will grow up happy and healthy, I hope you can put your worries away and be the best parent you can, and I say this because we can't be perfect parents.

Glad you're ok about the CMHT involvement. Do you think there is any possibility that you are suffering from PND?

I'm a bit confused about your diagnosis and avoidant and dependent PDs - I've never heard of these - and personality disorders is a term that I think is less likely to be used now as too stigmatising. I think it's now more likely to be called something like "emotionally intense personality" or something similar.

OP, I'm a CPN by the way - don't worry about your diagnosis, it's 100% legit and they're often seen in conjunction. Just in case that last paragraph of NanaNina's post has confused or worried you

Reading your OP I'd say with your level of awareness of the problems you might face and the steps you've taken you're already a good mum. I have no useful advice but I think you're dealing with this really well.

Thank you all for replying and for being so kind. Thanks for the congrats, too! I think having someone else to look after actually forces me to take better care of myself, so that I can do the best I can for him.
In the back of my mind I suppose I'm thinking, I'm sure my own mother felt this way about me when I was born, and was determined to be a better mother than her own, and didn't manage it. I'm scared that he'll have memories of mummy crying and staying in our pyjamas and not going out. I already struggle to interact with him and worry about his affecting his development (I've started baby massage classes to try and help me to bond with him).
I know that this is a temporary blip, but I'm thinking ahead to all the future blips! bloody blips

Have you been offered any therapy? Does your area have a complex needs service for people with PDs - worth finding out.

Hi Peppermint
Yeah before I was discharged I was under the local PD clinic and had acceptance and commitment therapy, which was excellent and just what I needed at the time. Having a refresher of that has been mentioned but we'll see! I need to find time to go through my paperwork from the course, but it's not easy with a baby, hehe!