what the hell is wrong with me??!

[Buddhasgirl]

I am beat, NHS doctors are getting me no where and in the mean time I an causing destruction at home like a hurricane :(
I have a long history of depression, since 16 I am now 30. First tried AD's when I was 25. Citalopram didn't work and neither did fluexotine. I was heavily drinking though and have now not had a drink for over 2 years.

I had a baby 5 months ago and started on sertraline just after he was born. was 50mg then 100mg and now 150mg but I seem to be getting worse and im not convinced anymore that its all depression.

I will try and explain whats happening as best as I can. some days im ok, calm and content (for me anyway) my calm and content still involves ocd with cleaning and tidying rituals and some hyperness, cant stop doing things even to eat or drink coffee, in the morning. Now, I then have random days where I wake up and feel like ive drank a bottle of utter anger, bitterness, resentment and aggression. this all tends to be aimed at my very supportive partner and its ruining my relationship. he is struggling so much with my unpredictability, and I don't blame him!

I often get advice saying to change my mindset or try visualisation techniques and this makes me think that I have control over how im feeling and I really don't! its ruining my life and I cant do anything about it. im so defensive when I feel like this that it takes no time at all for me to start snapping and bring on an argument of some sort, I cant cope with anything when I feel like this, so much so that I broke down in a shop today because my DP said he wasn't that keen on a jumper I was going to buy. I had to go home at this point.

I can see no trigger that brings this on, and its happening more regular each time. I feel like a have an evil personality living in my head that forces itself upon me when ever it feels like it.

there is a lot more I can say about other thoughts and feelings but I am conscious of how long this post is already. just to add, I am currently waiting for counselling. also have propanalol for my irrational fears but these do nothing. only thing that helps is cocodamol 30/500 but they are so addictive I need to watch what im doing.

Is anyone there?

can't one person relate to this? I really need help and don't know where else to turn

Hi Buddhas, didn't want to read and run.

I know very little about mental health to be honest, but, besides having a 5mo (congratulations x) are you sleeping ok with the propanalol? A lot of people report sleep disturbance with that.

Other than that, have you had any talking therapy? I think it's very telling that the only thing you feel helps is co codamol which is a treatment for your body rather than your brain if you see what I mean. Maybe there is something physical that's being lumped in with your MH issues.

Hugs OP x

It sounds like you are really struggling you poor thing. Will thr GP not refer you on to a psychiatrist urgently?

He or she would be able to consider other treatments and possibly other diagnoses other than unipolar depression.

Have you ever had any thyroid trouble or a thyroid check done BTW?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I relate very much to the mood swings - I have got a diagnosis recently that makes a lot of sense for where I'm at, got some good medication, and hope to improve. There is hope, honestly.

You need to see somebody more knowledgable than your GP. They most likely won't have the experience to help, so insist on a referral from them to community mental health services. To be very honest though, my local mh services weren't very helpful first time round when I saw them a year ago and dismissed me out of hand because I was not in crisis. It took getting to a really bad crisis point before I got help, and even then only because I was lucky enough to have a very good doctor on my side.

Do you have the funds to pay privately to see a good psychiatrist? It's well worth the spend of approximately £400. Mine matched me with medication that is very helpful.

Thank you to those who replied and apologies. for my late reply, laptop is not behaving and dbaby. is glued to me most of the day.

the reason the cocodamol. help is because the codeine is strong and takes the edge off anxiety and moods but they are too addictive and easily abused. I already got referred quite quickly to cmht. but once she figured out if I was a risk to my kids or not she only offered me cbt. or counselling. I've already been told unless I'm trying to kill myself there won't be much help available.

I wish I could afford a psychiatrist. but I can't, my num was going to pay for me to see a psychologist but I didn't go through with it.

I feel like just coming off my meds to be honest, starting to think they are just making me worse.

nice to know that people don't think it's all ny own fault, I feel like people think I should be able to control how I feel, but that could be my paranoia lol

Pleeeeaaaaase don't just come off your meds! Especially a dose like that of Sertraline, you'll feel bloody awful and I think it can make you quite ill.

Is there a GP in your practice that has a specialty in MH that you can see- maybe try a different AD- Citalopram, fluoxetine and sertraline are quite commonly prescribed, maybe there is something more specialised they might be able to help you with?

I'm sending you a hug, even though this is Mumsnet (((((hug)))))

I could of wrote that post - and I tell that exact unpredictive moods to both my psychiatrist and psychologist but getting no where! they just say take your sertraline and move on....
I too can flip in seconds and become the hulk - my boyfriend and I was at the diy shop and he said an idea I thought about doing in the house was shit! I got so upset I had to go home,i was sobbing, I felt suicidal, though of self harm and killing myself!!! I went on a cleaning spree with a bottle of bleach, everything got scrubbed??

I can relate and it is exhausting most days to try and work myself out. im still waiting for a diagnosis after 4yrs of being told im just depressed with anxieties. x

Have they considered that you be Bipolar? I know it's impossible to control those mood swings, they just take you over. Don't stop your meds but see if you need a mood stabiliser added to your AD. It's really frustrating that Dr's don't take you seriously unless you try to kill yourself. I often used to feel like I wanted to but knew deep down I wouldn't because of my children. I did have quite a bad breakdown a few years ago and was put on several meds. I'm a lot more stable these days but it's still hard going sometimes. Really hope you get the help you need.

I think you should insist that your GP refers you to a psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment. This sounds more than depression and anxiety to me, though the OCD is distressing for you I'm sure. Have you been worse since having your baby - suppose I'm thinking possible PND.

You shouldn't have to pay to see a psychiatrist privately - they are available in the NHS but of course you need a GP referral. The thing is I don't think GPs know a great deal about mental health although you say the CMHT have assessed you - but then again some of them are good, others not so much.

Is the anger a new thing by the way? You say there is a lot more you could post - want to give it a go?

i'm sorry you are feeling so. congrats on your new child. i too get unpredictable spells. does the sertraline help, or the propanol? thinking pf you, pip