I don't know where to start. I am fed up with feeling weird. I used to feel happy, normal. But for the last year or two I've had phases on and off of feeling really down, like there's no hope left for myself or the world. But then I have phases where I feel somewhat fine and I just think I'm being silly, until the net 'wave' of emotions washes over me again, for no reason.
I'm currently in my first year at uni and at the start of last year, whilst on a college course to get myself into uni, I became very stressed and had very low mood, so much that it affected my relationship with my boyfriend and I broke up with him because I couldn't face any of the intimacy and sex, I had no desire for it. After a few months, it's like I felt better again after my college course had finished and we got back together. But the despair has come back again. I was really excited about starting to learn psychology at uni but now I feel I've lost my passion for the subject. I have no motivation in me. I've even found myself, at times, wishing I'd just get poor marks so I get booted off the course because I don't feel up to it. Right now I'm just chugging along. I tried the uni counselling but after one session it just felt like a complete waste of time as all I'd done is ball my eyes out to a strange who just sat there nodding his head and writing in his notepad.
I worry a lot about the world's problems too. Hearing about all the problems in the world and how although I am just one person, I wish I could just help them all. I view the world very negatively and I struggle to see the positives. I battle with myself and my morals about eating meat and wanting to become vegetarian but then my whole family are meat eaters and I feel like an outcast.Because I don't want an animal to die for my food when I could easily live off plants.
I feel like I'm in a constant bubble. I don't feel like myself and I feel like I'm in a constant daze. It's such a weird feeling. I'll be sat in a lecture or with a group of classmates and they'll be talking to me but I can't concentrate on what they're saying and I lack the enthusiasm to take part so a lot of the time I keep to myself. I feel like I'm not really there in the room...
I don't know whether it's worth seeing the doctor because they'd probably just put me on a waiting list behind lots of other people. So many are mentally ill but there isn't enough help available and it just makes you feel worse. I just want to feel like me again but I can't remember what 'me' feels like anymore. The hardest part is when I feel slightly better again, and I feel alright. And then I'm sad, then happy again, in a vicious cycle. But that feeling of being in a daze is always there, like a dream like state.
Sorry for the essay. I feel like I needed to write this out somewhere other than my diary. I'm just scared