want it to end

[Ludoole]

My dp is terminally ill and when he dies i want to follow him. My guilt lies in the fact that i have 2 children and elderly parents who rely on me.
I can't see a future without my dp but i love my children.
I want it all to end.

So sorry to hear what your dealing with right now and can understand the feeling of heartbreak and devastation you must be feeling right now at the thought of losing your dp before their time should be due because of being so ill, but there is help out there for you when your feeling so low and like you don't want to go on anymore. Your dp wouldn't want you to throw the rest of your life away and leave your children without you as well. It's hard to see a future when I'm sure you had so many plans in your head of things involving your dp, but it doesn't mean that there won't be a future for you and one that you can enjoy in time. They'll be many many happy times to be shared with your children and occasions when there going to want you there, when they turn 18,21 etc depending how old they are now, if they have kids themselves, get married, they see there futures with you in it, because that's where you should be. Your kids love will help get you through but you should seek our some support too, off friends or counselling etc I can't begin to imagine what your going through, but it doesn't mean life has to end for you as well, stay strong

. Loads of them, and I'm a tad chunky so they're very squishy! I understand, I really do. What you are going through is hell on earth.

However, you have two wonderful boys, boys whose lives would be torn apart if they lost you. They'd never fully recover from it. Their futures would be so much less than if you were here to care for them and about them.

I know, that you know, deep down, it's not even an option. You love your boys far too much to even contemplate it, don't you x

I'm trying to find the right words to say this, without upsetting you, but I'm not sure it's possible. However, I'm going to try... I am much, much worse in the period before something happens, before difficult good byes including death. Once it happens I cope, I 'get on' and do the practical things, distract myself etc, grieve. This limbo you are in, it's dreadful, you can't be happy & you can't grieve. It's a very, very stressful no mans land. All you can do is take what love, warmth, pleasure & memories you can from each day.

As I said on your other thread, I wish you had some RL (adult) support. Please consider ringing some of the people who can & will help you.

I am shit but I wanted to say..kids need you xxx im so sorry you are going though this

Oh Ludoole

Don't think about the future now, the future will find you. Just hold on for the children.

I'm sorry it's all so shit. I remember you talking about the hospital a while ago. Can we help at all?

Thankyou all
I guess i know i should find real life support but its like admitting to the people who rely on me that i cant cope.
I thought about going to see my gp but how do you tell a doctor how you are feeling? I struggle to talk about my feelings at the best of times. Its easier on here as its anonymous. I also dont want my gp to know im dependent on alcohol to get through the evenings as I don't want to be judged and lectured on the dangers of alcohol dependency- i already know i should stop but i cant just yet.
God i sound so moany and yet i know im not helping myself! Sorry for the whinge

Hugs from me. Am so sorry to hear how much you are suffering. I will pray for you and your family

Why should one person try to heroically carry all this? Nobody would plan it that way.

You shouldn't have to spell it out in detail for the GP if they know the circs. Practice a phrase or two. They should ask questions to ascertain 'mood' ridiculous term once they realise why you are there.

You wouldn't be the first person in your position to drown their sorrows either. I doubt a doctor will judge.

Do you not have access to a Macmillan nurse? Could you get one?

It's not admitting you aren't coping. It's just getting some help to cope, there's nothing wrong with that, at all. I think I'm a strong person really, but there are times in my life that I know I would have coped with 'less well' than I did if it hadn't been for my best friend. She's my rock and I don't care what anyone thinks of that.

Your GP should be your first port of call, you don't have to mention the alcohol unless you want to, except if they recommend and meds, then you need to make sure you get ones you can drink with.

Try McMillan. I have found them amazing as have lots of others. There's been the odd person that didn't, but if you find that, you can try again another day and get someone different.

Other than that, is there anyone who is your friend who you haven't 'let in' that you could?

Well i decided to take your advice. I psyched myself up, called the gp surgery and they cant fit me in until the 20th....

Oh FFS. How helpful.

www.macmillan.org.uk/HowWeCanHelp/TalkToUs/Talktous.aspx?origin=homepage-needtotalk

Worth a try?

Arsenic
I'll try that. Thankyou.

Im also going to try and get an emergency appointment with the gp tomorrow. I cant go on like this and if i dont get help we will all topple like dominoes...

Yes, tell them it's a mental health emergency and you cannot wait. Absolutely cannot wait. Fgs.

How is DP keeping at the moment? Are you moving into his or him into yours? It can't be long now is it?

Fingers crossed.

X post. Chipping's right of course. It IS an emergency. You're the lynch pin.

Ludoole your friends will be delighted to be asked for support. I've helped several friends through this situation, unfortunately. Believe me, you can get through this but it will be so much better if you turn to your friends. Of course you feel despair right now - it's so unfair to lose a partner like this and you are already starting the grieving process - that's what these feelings are all about.
You can do it - years down the line you will appreciate your little family unit and your dp will be living on through your children. Do your best for them - they need you

Oh and I've just read about phoning your GP - don't take no for an answer! They are idiots if they don't recognise that you need immediate help. Please call again in the morning and insist on an appointment tomorrow.

53
My extended family and friends are not interested. They dont care. They disappeared when my df's alzheimers advanced and dp's cancer doesnt register a comment at all....

Chipping
Had a few setbacks due to treatment (current chemo not working, mets are growing but we have one more lifeline chemo to try-the other options are being pulled away by the government as they are on "the list"..) we are almost finished on dp's house so we will be moving in with him shortly

Ludoole often people don't comment or seem disinterested because they're embarrassed. One of my friends lost her husband when his mum was about 75. She had lived in the same village for 40 years but people were crossing the road to avoid talking to her. Terminal illness and death seem like dirty words, unfortunately, but you can come out the other side.