Terrified, how to get help?

[Needmentalhealthhelp]

I don't know where to start. I am having counselling, but it's early days. My GP refused to give me any meds and I feel I can't cope with everyday life. My husband has moved out, although we are on a waiting list for counselling. He's just left this afternoon even though he knows I am in a state and borderline suicidal. I don't even know if I'm suicidal as I don't think I want to die, I just can't go on living like this. I feel like I can't take any more.

I have the number for the hospital. I feel like I should phone and ask to be admitted. However, there's no one to look after my children if I do, which means I can't do that. It's also terrifying to think of being in there. I have no idea what to do and I just wish someone would help me.

Yes, good luck op. You've made the first, very very courageous step. And things are bound to feel very disorientating and scary at first. But you know in your heart of hearts that you have to do this. Hang in there xxx

I have tried to ring women's aid this morning and couldn't get hold of anyone. (I tried the office local to where I was living as I have spoken to them before) I have also spoken to a social worker involved due to my sons special needs and they are making a visit to the family home this evening. I am currently heading back there, although won't arrive until late tonight and am unsure about whether to go back to the family home or not. I may wait until morning when my husband will be at work. I have tried to contact him to discuss and he is ignoring me. Can someone please explain to me, is him ignoring me abusive? He is fully aware in my mental health problems and that is causes me extreme distress. He has also mentioned my 'stunt' leaving, but it wasn't intended to be a stunt, I felt utterly desperate. My Mum seems to think I am partly to blame here, if not entirely and I feel confused.

I'm going to try women's aid tomorrow and they have a drop in. I am also wondering whether to contact the crisis team. Do they deal with this kind of thing?

I feel so desperately unhappy. I don't want to die, I want to love and be happy, but at the moment I feel like it's all impossible.

Can someone please explain to me, is him ignoring me abusive?

It's called stonewalling and it's part of the cycle of abuse. What your Mum's doing is called gaslighting which is also part of it. And calling your leaving a 'stunt' is minimising. If his stonewalling of you affects not just your emotions but your access to your children it's obstruction. Gaslighting, minimising and stonewalling are ways for the abuser or the enabler to ignore the victim's needs and explain them away for their own benefit. Obstruction is designed to make life more difficult so you become more dependent on them. All of them are about keeping control.

BUT There's another thing called disengaging which is the best advice I can give to you right now. When you're in an emotionally abusive relationship you are a puppet on a string to the abuser. They control you, the whole thing is about control. So disengaging has the effect of cutting the strings. It will make you feel flat and feel like you have no purpose for a while and this may be partly why you had these very strong feelings when you left. I called it post traumatic stress (but I'm not a psychologist, hoping one will come along) but that's what I meant.

It might be that your mother thinks you are partly to blame because all she sees is you reacting and responding to this man's random behaviour which from the outside may be hard to understand. Try to disengage for a while. Learn how to say 'I don't know' 'Never mind it doesn't matter', 'OK then bye', 'maybe' to anything they say that winds you up.

WELL DONE though, for contacting women's aid. I hope things go well tomorrow. It's not impossible, it's just hard.

And keep any abusive messages, texts, letters or recordings for future reference.

Thankyou. I have just got home. He is asleep in my bed, so I'm going to sleep on the sofa.

He is not stupid enough to send me abusive texts, he is very clever about how he operates. He has had me convinced it is all me and he just can't cope with my illness/behaviour, which is obviously what he wants. He has seen the social worker today (involved because my son is awaiting a CAHMS referral and the waiting list is lengthy) and apparently 'told him everything' about me and my behaviour. I have no idea what exactly he means, or if he's told him anything. However, the social worker is aware of two previously violent incidents (although these were years ago) and know we are seperated. He also knows I have depression and am trying to seek help for it. I am worried that my husband has told lies about me to make me look bad and the social worker will believe them, but I assume they are trained to see through things like this?

I have a friend coming to sit with me tomorrow and she will come back to the GP with me too.

You're absolutely right about SS recognising abusers. They will have seen this all before a million times. The one thing these men don't understand is that they are downright predictable and very easy to spot to the trained eye. They can only deceive those that love them or are dependent on them.

Try and go to the WA drop in tomorrow.

Thankyou. He has left now but wouldn't say what had been said with the social worker or when he would see or help with the DC. He also said that I am the abuser. I am now worried that the social worker will think that too, although I am trying to tell myself that all his stuff about him having the DC and me not being welcome at the house was lies, so anything else he says must be lies too. I am trying to think rationally, but he keeps saying I'm abusive and I do think it might be true. I have lied to people and minimises his behaviour for so long that a I just don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I am going to try to go to women's aid. I'm also going to ring the social worker first thing an my friend is coming.

Don't talk to him about abuse, or his behaviour or what he said or what he thinks.

And don't worry about what SS think, he will have shown his true colours and as I said, they will have seen it all before.

Think about it, he's accusing you of the abuse because it's the last thing he can control you with - the fear that you might not be believed. He's been rumbled and this is his only way out.

But do talk to WA you need tailored advice.

Thankyou again. Your replies are so helpful.

I have spoken to women's aid and am going to see them tomorrow. I have also seen the social worker and I don't think he has any immediate or particular concerns and although he couldn't tell me anything my husband had said due to confidentiality, it didn't seem like he had said anything. I told him everything that had happened and although he seemed impartial he did say women's aid would be a good source of support. He also said I seemed very empowered, which surprised me as I feel anything but, but actually, now I have absolutely made the decision to leave I do feel a bit better. The social worker did say that army welfare had contacted them to say a report had been made concerning the children's welfare due to my mental health issues and this can only have come from my husband and I can only assume it's malicious, as he doesn't seem concerned for the children when he goes off ignoring me for days when I am upset, but I am doing my best to get help for that. My own worker at the army welfare is off this week but I have left a message for him to contact me upon his return.