Any ideas as to how to encourage "positive thinking" in DC?

[stealthsquiggle]

I am really struggling as to how to help my 12yo DS. He has always been a "glass half empty" person, but it seems to be getting worse.

Often, last thing at night, he will talk about not wanting to going to school the next day. When I get him to break down what is good and bad about the day ahead, there always seem to be more good things than bad. He does well academically, and engages in plenty of other activities, but isn't naturally sociable and doesn't seem to make close friendships. There has been some low level teasing in the past - the school stepped in and dealt with it very effectively, but it is seems to be restarting from another quarter - DS seems ATM to be mostly cross with himself because he says he knows how to deal with it (bluff not caring until they give up) and just needs to do it.

I see much too much of myself in him. It's not just school related - if 10 nice things happen in a day at home he will still manage to focus on the one negative thing. I want to find a way to help him get his head up and look on the bright side. I don't mean to minimise how he is feeling, but there are a lot of positive things about his life, and I wish I could find a way to make him focus more on them and less on the less-good stuff

All suggestions welcome...

Maybe you just need to hear what he's saying a bit more. It's painful to realise that our children struggle, but perhaps they need us to accept that sometimes that they are sad. Like allow him 10 or 15 minutes to talk about the difficult things and just listen. Perhaps only at the end ask him about a)his own coping strategies and b) other better parts of the day. And of course c)if there's anything you can do to support him.

Thanks, Marianne. I do listen, and we talk about coping strategies, and any support he wants. I guess I am hoping that there are things I can do to try and change his approach. It wouldn't change the stuff that makes him sad, but it might change how much he lets it get to him. It is so rare to see him simply, uncomplicatedly happy that when I do it really drives home the contrast.

Hi OP,

I wonder if starting a 'gratitude journal' might work? You could have one too, or have one book that each family member could add to each night. That way, you son won't feel it's only for him to do.

You could explain (and model with your own entries) that it doesn't have to be earth shattering-could just be "I had fun playing/talking to X today".

By doing it together, it might help him focus on the positives as well as generate some nice family discussions about the good bits of everyone's day?

Just an idea! Obviously, I'm sure you'd continue to listen to the less positive bits too! Good luck.

I think maybe we should try and model happiness to our children. Not easy if we're worriers by nature. But if children see parents enjoying work, friendship, activities - as well as working through problems and overcoming them - it's a way of indicating to them that happiness is possible.

So perhaps do whatever you can to show your son that there are times when you are enjoying your life.

Thanks, Bobian. I see where you are coming from but not sure I could get DH to cooperate. When he was younger and used to come out of school and respond to "what did you do today" with "nothing", I used instead to ask him what the best thing about his day was. Maybe I need to revive that, in an age-appropriate way, and get him talking about the positives before he starts on the negatives.

You are very right, Marianne. That's definitely something I shall resolve to do - make a point of letting him see that we have do fun and enjoy stuff, instead of just seeing me worn down by the mundanities of life, as is all too often the case.

He is learning from you, as you have noticed. So you need to lead by example and model how to cope - show, don't tell.

If he's worried about going to school I would

• Acknowledge his feelings. "you're worried about going to school."
• Talk about how the worry feels. Is it like jelly in your tummy? Or butterflies?
• Talk about a time when you felt worried. How did it feel? What did you do? Maybe you thought about clapping your hands or singing a song to help chase the worry away, or having a cuddle, and you thought about which one you needed and decided to have a cuddle and then clap your hands...

Personally I loathe the term 'gratitude journal' even though it's a nice concept to a point. The problem is that you don't deal with 'bad' feelings by trying to distract with good ones - that's not a great thing to learn. Better to acknowledge them and 'detoxify' them for your child.

Also: blogs.psychcentral.com/stress-better/2015/01/5-things-never-to-say-to-an-anxious-child/

PS modelling isn't about focusing only on happiness and best things but showing your child how to handle more difficult feelings.

God sorry, I totally misread your child's age. He's 12. It's fantastic if he's confiding in you about his worries. I don't think you need to fix them - you need to give him space to have them. Just listen and be there.

Do you think he feels he has control over those 10 good things which happened to him and only that 11th one he didn't therefore it went wrong/made him unhappy?

I would try to understand why the 11th thing feels different to him.

My greatest lesson in life is that the mood I am in depends on how I react to things. It is obvious thing if you practice it but not very much if you want to control external world to make you happy. I am teaching my kids that skill.

Hmm - is he in his first year (7) at secondary school. Was he worried about going to school when he was in primary. I think the transition from primary to secondary can be huge, especially for kids who are not the most emotionally robust.

Also you mention that he has trouble with friendships and there has been some teasing in the past, which is starting up again. I do wonder if this is one of the reasons he worries about school - and again teasing at secondary can very often tip over in bullying. Are you sure he isn't being bullied?

I don't like the gratitude book either. Agree with Peppermint Crayon - amazing that he is confiding in you at aged 12. And of course he is on the cusp of adolescence and that in itself (with all the hormone changes) is problematic.

There's a great series of books are available aimed at children to help them cope with anxiety stress etc. One is called "what to do when you grumble too much" and its by Dawn Huebner. The title I think isn't great as it doesn't do justice to how your son is feeling and its not just complaining or moaning for the sake of it - although being negative can be a habit which can be replaced by a habit of being positive.

I read the "what to do when you worry too much" with my 12 year old ds as I found he was getting anxious about stuff in his life. I found it excellent as it was something we were doing together and it gave him an avenue to talk about his anxieties as well as mental exercises to do when he felt anxious.

The grumble one we are reading as a follow up and, whilst it doesn't really apply to him it is a useful book for encouraging positive thinking. It encourages children to see negative things as hurdles to get over and to feel that they can control how to view a negative situation. I find to good to be able to help my son see how he views sutuations and to actively look for the positive in a situation.

He's not actually in his first year at a new school, as he will change schools for Y9 - so whilst he has struggles with friendships, they are the same ones that he has had for several years.

We actually have "what to do who you worry too much" and it's anger one as he did at one point have issues controlling his temper when provoked. He did find it useful, and stupidly it had never occurred to me that there was a matching one for grumpiness - I shall order that forthwith.

Thank you all. I do try to give him space and acknowledge his feelings even if the negative attitude does drive me nuts sometimes . There is a very small window in which he will confide - generally at bedtime (when he still wants to be "tucked in"). I know this won't last, which is one reason I am desperate to give him coping strategies now, so that when he does, almost inevitably, shut me out more he still has those to resort to himself.

I read a really good book called 'Learned Optimism' that helped me as an adult - I think the guys name who wrote it is Martin Seligman (spelling?!). I know he also did one called 'the optimistic child', planning on buying it when our little one is old enough. Might have some useful tips?

I have ordered the Learned Optimism one as well- for me, initially, but I will see if it would be appropriate for him too.

Awesome :-) I hope you both find it as helpful as I did

Well, I told him today that "what to do when you grumble too much", and an adult equivalent for me, were on their way, and he was ok with that. We have formed a joint resolve to try and be less Eeyore and more Tigger about life, which I hope will not get derailed by DH, who is mostly Rabbit, barging his way through with remarkably little awareness of other people. Poor DS, he has preteen hormonal meltdowns at me and then apologises 5 minutes later.