Just burst into tears in dd's classroom... aargh!

[Justfeelshite]

Just need to offload, sorry. Have spoken to dh, but just keep bursting into tears and he just doesn't 'get' why I'm so upset. Neither do I, really... just losing it, I think.

Dd1 has a parents' afternoon/evening today. I got confused and didn't realise I was meant to make an appointment to see the teacher, rather than just turning up. (Confusing, as dd2's class also has an open day, which is of the 'just turn up' variety.) I am very keen to talk to the teacher as I spoke to her a few weeks ago and she told me that dd is finding it very hard to concentrate in class, constantly wriggling and fiddling and talking to herself instead of doing her work. We've been trying to work on this, and I wanted to know if she was any better. Anyway, teacher can't see me now as she is fully booked. I feel so crap - like I am the only useless parent in the class who can't get herself organised to book a time to see the teacher. She offered to see me another day after school, but I work and can't get there for 3.10. Anyway, I just stood there and burst into tears like an idiot (in front of a classroom full of 6-yr-olds). I don't know what to do about dd's problems. (Teacher couldn't suggest anything before.) She is not seriously behind, but I am worried about her being labelled a 'disruptive child' and about her falling further and further behind. I am probably over-reacting. OK, OK, I know I am over-reacting. She is a bright 6-y-o who finds it hard to concentrate. That can't be that unusual. But I am blaming myself. If I didn't work I could spend more time reading and writing and whatever with her. (Though we spend 15-30 mins a day on homework, which is probably OK for a 6-y-o.) If I didn't work I could get into the school at 3.10 and find out what was going on instead of finding out weeks later and only via dd1's garbled accounts of being kept in at playtime to finish her work and saying she is 'useless at everything'. On the one hand, I love my job and it gives my life a sense of purpose. On the other hand, I am under so much pressure all the time, and today it has just blown. I keep bursting into tears and am hiding in my office with the door shut hoping no-one will need to talk to me. Oh, and dd2 is going through a phase of saying 'Mummy, please don't go to work' too, which doesn't help. I feel that I am damaging my children and am the worst mother ever. Dh thinks I'd be a worse mother if I didn't work, as my identity and (very fragile) sense of self-worth is very much bound up with what I do. Please don't come and tell me that WOHMs do damage their children. I know some people believe that (and now I don't know any more if I agree or not) but ... well... I don't think that giving up work (even if it were easy/possible to do that - I am the main bread-winner of the family too) will solve my problems. I think that they are mostly inside my own head. I just feel shite... I feel I'm not coping with anything, and all I want to do is go to bed and stay there until everything feels more manageable. Sorry. No need to reply to this. Just needed to get it off my chest.

[PS Am a name-changer. Have used this name before and went back to it for this, as it just fitted how I feel today!]

Also sorry for lack of paragraphs in that huge splurge. Not thinking in paragraphs today

Oh love. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Will come back and answer properly when I have more than 1 hand free to type with

JFS - could you phone the teacher to talk to her about school?

Sounds like you are under alot of pressure with everything - hugs

Ok - these are my suggestions.

Take a half day off so you can see the teacher after school. Better still, take a day off so you can spend the morning doing something you like to do.

From my experience, 15-30 minutes a day is plenty for a 6 year old. I spend less than that on it with my 7 year old.

Ask the teacher to keep you informed of dd's progress, say at the end of every week? At my kids' school they have a communication book to send messages back and forth and write the hw in.

Personally don't think it's helpful to keep your dd in at breaktime to finish her work - could she finish it at home instead? Then you'll get to see her work and levels of concentration and she'll get to run off some energy outside.

Breathe.

What did the teacher say when you explained that you couldn't do 3.10pm or did that get lost in the sobs? There will be some way of talking to her - would a phonecall be possible at that sort of time?

You are not damaging your child by working. A mother can only be a good mother when she is happy - if working makes you happy and makes you you then that is what you should be doing.

Do they seem to thing there is anything "wrong" with your DD or is it just that she is a tad too lively?

Your DD2 is doing exactly what you have said - going through a phase. My DD has spent the last week sobbing about daddy going to work, and then when she had him home yesterday, she complained about the lack of mummy .

You sound like you are in need of a break - not sure if it is one alone needed or one WITH your children. If you live near a beach/forest it normally does me sooooooo much good to get out for the day (warmly dressed in this weather) and just enjoy my babies.

Just wanted to say I am a sahm and don't manage to spend as much time as you doing homework with my similar aged ds so you have nothing to beat yourself up about in that regard. Also many children find it hard to concentrate at that age (my ds included!) I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with you working!

If you can't manage a day off from work can you have some time to yourself at the weekend (or even a lie in?). Or take a long lunch break and do something nice. If you can get more sleep and time to yourself it will make a difference when life is hectic....

Thanks for these good suggestions. Can't take a day off today for the parents' thing as I have commitments this afternoon. I thought I could get into school later, after work, but didn't realise that an appointment was necessary - that's why I was so upset, I think, as I thought I had it sorted, but didn't. I think my problem (well, one of them!) is that I keep all these bloody balls in the air, but if I fumble one of them then the whole lot comes crashing down around me. Will have a day or two off next week though at half-term, and that will help, I know.

Yes, Flamebat, dd2 twists us all round her little finger (in a nice way).

I don't think dd1 has a 'real' problem (i.e. not ADSD or something). I think she is just a 'social butterfly' who gets easily distracted by pretty patterns on the carpet or the wind blowing the trees outside the window or the girl next to her's hairstyle, or whatever...!

Just wish I could stop myself taking all this so personally.

I agree with Avalon. 6 is so young.
In lots of countries she wouldn't even have started school yet, or would only be a new entrant with very little expectations. I think Keeping her in at playtime is evil. 15 to 30 mins homework is ample.

I would try and keep things very light with your dd and tell the teacher you are most interested at this stage that she is enjoying school. Pressure at this age is ridiculous. If she's bright maybe she just doesn't find the work very stimulating.

As far as working and juggling goes, could you maybe cut your hours a bit? If you are the main breadwinner maybe that would be difficult but also maybe not impossible. My partner became very sick a number of years ago, was off work for quite a while, then went back on two days a week, and gradually increased it to four. Now most people in his section are working less than full time. One half day off a fortnight might let you feel a bit less pressured?

Yours DD sounds like a very normal 6 year old to me. It makes me sad that teachers expect so very much of them so young. Try not to beat yourself up over this.

Very touched and empathise hugely.

Right, I'm back, with 2 arms [phew].

I've started a reply, but actually I think I know who you are - if you are that person you have my email - and I'll reply to you off-board. Just post yes or no

Hi fit. Yes, you know me! [watery ]

Working fewer hours is difficult because of the nature of what I do. If I worked 24/7 there would always be more I could do. It's just that kind of a job. But I think that I need to be more realistic about what I can do - say 'no' more, work from home a bit more (the work is all-encompassing, but at least flexible), and define my 'working' and 'non-working' times a bit better. That would help - it's actually doing it that's the problem...

Hey Justfeelshite.... it'll all be ok, honestly.
(I was feeling a bit like you lately when I screwed something up massively at work as a result of being pregnant and exhausted. A sensible MNer told me to get signed off work for a rest, which I did - not saying this is the right thing for you, but when you're juggling constantly and worn out it is so hard to keep a sense of perspective.)
I am very much in favour of women working but I do think the expectations people have of us, or we have of ourselves, are absolutely ridiculous at the moment - we have to be perfect mothers as well as brilliant career women, and no-one ever pats us on the back for the fact that managing to do both even at a reasonable level is a massive achievement. So give yourself a HUGE pat on the back, for a start, for the fact that you are a mother and the main breadwinner. Why should you have to be perfect? I bet the other mums who remembered about the appointment system aren't all the main breadwinner for their family. It doesn't sound like the system is geared very well for working parents. And the ones who are the really bad mums won't even have bothered to turn up - I can't see how you can rate as a useless parent for simply making a mistake about the booking system, to be honest.

Secondly, it sounds like you know underneath that you are doing the right thing for your family by working, but of course it's not all going to be smooth. I simply hated it when my mum went back to work as a teacher when I was about 9 (I remember accusing her of not being a 'normal' mother because she hadn't got time to play some game or other with me!) But of course looking back I wouldn;t have wanted it any other way, and I am sure it'll be the same for you - on balance your kids will be getting so much out of the fact that you work.
(Oh, and don't worry about crying in front of the class - I'm sure most of them will have seen a grown-up cry before, and if they haven't, it'll be a good learning experience for them - adults have feelings too etc!)
Hugs (and a gold star too, because you sure as hell deserve it)

Is there any chance that your dh might be able to finish early one day and see the teacher instead of you?

My dh often goes to parent/teacher meeting instead of me because of our shift patterns. He is good at taking notes.

It doesn't have to be you keeping all the balls in the air does it? That's a lot of pressure on one person in a family.

JFS - my DD is just like yours - her mind is constantly on the go, but never about the things it should be. I like to think she has a zest for life but I'm sure she drives her teachers to distraction!!

They have worked out some strategies to 'focus her mind on the task in hand' and it is working slowly but surely.

I work too - but I really don't think this has a bearing on my DDs concentration - I really think she's just wired like that and although school may see it as a negative, I love that she's like that.

Anyway, hope you're feeling better soon. As someone on here once wrote, they extract the baby and insert the guilt...

You've had lots of good advice and support here JFS so I am just posting to say, no, WOHMs don't damage their children. Please don't think that.
Because you have a whole lot of additional, less flexible commitments outside the home and family, you're more squeezed. In my bitter experience it's the mother who sustains the damage in these situations. I've done the school-gate invisible woman act, been up before the beak to be told my child is overtired and disruptive, too. Sending you masses of sympathies. I haven't guessed who you are so am unsure of the nature of your interesting-sounding job. Is there no way AT ALL you can arrange to work flexibly enough to be at the school one afternoon a week? I've managed this since September and I tell you it has transformed how comfortable I feel about the handover. My job has limited flexibility too and is not one I can do from home, so one day is all I have. But even that helps, I promise.
And don't forget you are posting three days before half-term. EVERYONE is knackered at our school - the children, the teachers, the support staff, the parents. The routine grinds us all down and that's why they schedule half-terms.
I really hope you have managed to collar yourself a few days off next week. I have and I am clinging to it as if to wreckage in the high seas...!

Thanks again for your support everyone.

HE - I used to love the way my dd is... it's just this current teacher who seems to have a real downer on her. Previous teacher recognised that her inability to sit still could be a hindrance, but also seemed able to focus on her many positive qualities. I should be intelligent and confident enough to question this current teacher's judgement of my dd, but I was really gutted by it. And I do think that dd will learn to manage her fidgeting eventually. I think the school is really focused on SATs and such like.

Dh works shifts, but has to arrange them well in advance for specific days. However, he is going to go in at 8.30 tomorrow to talk to dd's teacher. He doesn't trust me to do it without blubbing . He is supportive really, he just doesn't understand why I've reacted so badly to this.

Last year I did normally manage to finish work on time to pick the dds up on a Friday. This year I haven't managed it so far. Tomorrow I am in a meeting, but after half-term I will try to go back to doing so - even if it means cancelling things to be there. I hadn't quite realised how much it was affecting me till now.

Can't tell you all how much I appreciate your support, though.

Just a quick update. Dh went and spoke to the teacher this morning. Dd still has concentration problems, but they were not likely to disappear overnight, were they? However, he felt teacher was sympathetic and kept repeating that she didn't want to put her off school, etc. She also said that her work has improved since I went in and spoke to her the first time and that she is not worried about her as far as SATs and things are concerned. Her work is good, the only problems is that because of the concentration thing she often doesn't finish it. All that reassured me a bit. I am convinced that she'll learn to control the concentration thing as time goes on.

As for me... I have decided to try to take better control of my time-management skills. Didn't have a good time today. Morning meeting overran, didn't have time for lunch, afternoon meeting was fraught and was over-running too, but I got up and left at 4.00 as I had to pick up the dds. (I had told them in advance I'd have to leave at that point... and I did!) Still feel a bit shaky, but better.

I have also decided to go back to the work counsellor whom I saw a couple of times before the summer. I stopped going because I got the impression he thought I was a bit too sane to be there. (Which is probably a sign of how insane I really am!), but I am going to go back. If nothing else, it forces me to talk about - and therefore to spend time thinking about - the things that worry me, rather than just hiding from them until they explode like yesterday.

Thanks to all of you again for listening to me. You don't know how much I appreciate it.

JFS, sorry I didn't see this when it was relevant, but for future reference, have you considered you might be able to see the teacher at a later time than 3:10. Most teachers stay at school until at least5 pm these days. There is no reason why your dd's teacher couldn't see you at a more convenient time.