Can anyone tell me what they really mean by suicidal thoughts/ thinking about harming?

[Sothisishowitfeels]

I went to the gp last week because I have been feeling so bad the last few months , it's not new it is something I have struggled with for the last 8 years or so at times it has been very bad and has limited my life a lot but this is the first time I have ever told anyone this.

I was asked if I ever thought about suicide or self harm and I said no BUT since then I have been thinking that actually I do just not in a planning to do it sort if way.
I think about harming myself ,In a variety of ways I think about what would happen if I just leapt out in front of the train one morning but I dont want to do it.

What is this? Do other people do this?

What you describe is what I call "valve relief' thoughts, so it is a way of releasing some stress/pressure equivalent to I wish I were dead so I wouldn't have to deal with all crap.
Mild self harm, is kind of the same.thing.
Serious intent to.harm oneself is like when I had my suicide plan. I knew how I was going to do it exactly. I was just waiting for the right moment.
Or like when I really did take an overdose.
probably about as clear as mud.

I think what you're talking about So is suicide ideation in the sense that we think of ending it all, and yes we think of ways we can do it, and I've googled different ways too, but we don't actually believe deep down that we would end our lives. It's very common in moderate/severe depression. It's not so much that we want to end our lives, it's more that we want the emotional pain to stop. Mental illness is an absolute torment and can only be understood by those who have the misfortune to have first hand experience.

I quite like the notion of "valve relief" Arabella and I do get a bit of comfort on really bad days in thinking "well I could end it if I wanted to" and I do have a plan (that's seen as a potential danger) to MH professionals, but it's only because I needed to find a foolproof way IF I ever did it.......we aren't allowed (quite rightly) to talk about suicide methods on MN as it's very triggering, or it can be.

Can I ask So when you say this is the first time you've told anyone, do you mean you've never seen a GP before - 8 years is a hell of a long time without getting help. I have intermittent depression which can be severe at times and like you, it has limited my life a great deal as my bad days are completely unpredictable, and so I can't really make plans.

I hope the GP will provide some help and support for you. There is a lot of support on the MH threads and I spend quite a time on there - it's got me through many a dark hour.

Arabella I think that describes it well!

Nana - sorry I didn't realise we weren't allowed to talk about it - I didn't think.

I have never seen my gp about this ( I have had the normal pregnancy appointments and I have seen him once for an ear infection but I didnt mention any of this then ).

Over the 8 years it has always been something I have had to manage and at times I have managed at others I havent- most recently last summer I didnt go to work for 6 months and barely made it on school runs just couldn't do anything.( dh and I own the company I work for so I didn't loses job And I go in full time again now although I am struggling a lot).

My gp gave me the option of medication and counselling or counselling and medication if I needed it. I asked to try counselling first because I am really afraid of taking anything but I have to admit it seems now like maybe I do actually need more than that

Never be afraid to take anti-depressants, if you were diabetic, you would take insulin, wouldn't you?
But at the same time, never be afraid to turn around to your gp and say these ones are not working for me, I would like to try a different one please.

Re: talking about suicide. It's ok to post about having suicidal feelings as there are few places that we can actually talk about these distressing feelings, which are a common symptom of depression. The thing is that a while ago people were talking about actual methods and it caused quite a "hoohaa" and MNs complained that this could be triggering others to think of the same methods. SO MN asked everyone what they thought and that period went on for quite a long time and they also consulted Samaritans. In the end MN decided that it was ok to talk about suicidal feelings or wanting to end our life, but not to talk about specific methods. They warned they would delete any such posts and advise the poster to contact Samaritans. They made the point that they could only delete such posts if they were reported as obviously they don't routinely monitor posts.

I think it was a reasonable compromise.

Thinking about suicide or fantasising about it perhaps, is considered by health professionals as very different to actual planning and intent. Which is why they will always ask you about thoughts and about plans. Thinking about it might offer some very short term relief and a distraction from the problems, which is why people do it. It is fairly common to do this, but it is still indicative of depression. But you won't be sectioned for having suicidal thoughts / ideation.
As for the medication, it is a good idea to take anti-ds if you are feeling so bad that you don't think you will turn up to counselling sessions. The anti-ds can give you that lift and motivation to start to want to feel better.

NanaNina - your first paragraph puts into words what I am feeling. I didn't know it was a 'known' thing, I thought it was just me. Perhaps it will give the courage to go and see my GP. Thank you.

Oh I really hope you do get to the GP FF - you won't be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard a great many times before. You might be interested to know that approx. one third of all GP consultations are related to mental health problems.

Please get some help because if you are feeling like this I think your depression is moderate/severe as I don't think people with mild depression experience such powerful thoughts of suicide.