Justifying feeling ill and low, how?

[Minlessness]

I cannot talk or explain how I'm feeling in RL so hope it's ok to talk on here...

Had depression about 3 years ago, my new work environment and culture caused me to be signed off but I think it's not the cause of my current anxiety/ lack of sleep which is now feeling like a deep sadness and helplessness. I am due to see a counsellor next week- I so hope they can help.

I know I said I've been signed off but I feel like I have to explain why I'm feeling this way, I've been asked by family what it is and I'm not sure. Last night I frustrated my DH so much, he believes I'm very lucky, there are people far worse out there than me and I feel selfish and guilty for feeling this low and awful.

I am grateful for my family and house comforts but I feel I have no joy..just empty and unhappy and lost. I hate my job but cannot think of what I could do that I'd enjoy, my brain cannot work it out.

I'm stuck in the house and have been for the last few weeks since I've been signed off as I don't want to go anywhere, ironic considering I hate this house and where I live.

I have so many issues in my head coupled with an emptiness/ sadness it's hard to state. DH also said it's not about me and I feel writing all this down does look I am a selfish cow. He believes you can get on with life without enjoyment, just accept it and I can't, I'm really struggling.

Sorry I probably haven't made myself clear, I just feel really really low and tearful. Just needed to talk somewhere and Mumsnet could give me a reality kick as well as support too, thanks.

Oh sweetheart I couldn't read and run. I've been where you are. The problem with any mental illness is people can't see it. If you had flu people wouldn't be saying "but why?" . You don't have to justify - try and just be (I know that's hard). Focus on being kind to yourself. Are you on ADs? Big un- mumsnety hug xxxxxxxx

Thank you Queen, appreciate you answering.

It's very hard to explain, I just feel empty and sad but at the same time my mind is racing with anxiety???

I'm not on AD, tried Sertraline and Citalopram previously and not good with them. I'm about to do some exercise, DH suggested this will help, it's not as been doing all week but I'm trying. Hoping the counsellor will help again, also trying to do Cbt techniques again but my mind cannot function.

Terrifying that last night I started to imagine walking in front of a lorry to end this awfulness, I wouldn't do it as I'm too weak to actually carry it out but I have never felt like that before. I need to escape this awful awful feeling and not be a burden.

You aren't a burden, that's the illness. Remember you have an illness and it produces symptoms like despair, suicidal thoughts and feeling worthless - just like tonsillitis produces sore throat, temperature and feeling sick. The problem is that the thing you normally use to rationalise ie your brain is poorly. It might be worth trying another AD - I've found fluoxetine really good. The exercise is a good idea if you can - even a 5 min stroll around the block will help. I really think you need to go back to your GP and tell him/her how you're feeling. You don't deserve to suffer like this

You're kind of describing how i feel at the moment. I have absolutely no reason to be unhappy, I have everything I have ever wanted. But yet I have post natal depression and feel so anxious, constantly nervous and on edge. It's like I'm waiting for a job interview that never happens.

In a funny way, for me, this gives me hope. It's not like I have a reason to feel like this so the cause must be physical/chemical/hormonal. I'm praying AD's will work for me when I start them on Monday.

My DP is being very understanding but I'm sure my behaviour must be exhausting for him. I cry everyday and need constant reasurrance that everything is/will be okay. But I think me having a diagnosis helps him to understand what's going on.

You have an invisible illness but it's very real and it's horrible. Now I've experienced mental illness for the first time in my life I know I'd much rather have a 'physical' illness any day of the week.

Thanks both of you, this weekend I decided to try and make some more positive steps. Diet and exercise etc. Queenofknickers how are you getting on now?

I'm trying not to dwell on the negative thoughts and close them down. Easier said than done. I'm reluctant to do the ADs but may have to if these techniques don't work. Good luck Bellyrub. I like your analogy of waiting for an interview, that's very true.

It's so debilitating having an illness that messes with your mind and as you said that is invisible.