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Original poster

Regular netter struggling. need your opinions and advice.

62 replies

itstough · 18/10/2006 01:52

Sorry but I've changed my name, not sure why really but I just feel more comfortable doing so.

I'm going to try and keep it as short as possible.
I had my baby 8 weeks ago. From being about 30 weeks pg, I started to suffer with panic attacks and anxiety which was triggered by me passing out a few weeks previous. After this I had a funny turn, panicked and called my MIL to come and stay until dh returned home.
Since then I have hated being on my own for fear of it happening again.

We moved in the summer to a new area and two months later the baby arrived.
My family are an hour away at the worst and dh's are over an hour away. I don't have any friends here yet and I don't know anyone else in the area.

I honestly thought that when I had the baby I would be free of the anxiety and the fear of passing out would go as I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. Needless to say it is still haunting me.
When dh started back at work after his paternity, I had a few bad moments and asked my mum to come and stop over to get me through the odd night here and there when dh wasn't here. When I have someone with me I feel fine, its being on my own that sends me off.
After a few visits from my mum, dh started to become slightly annoyed with the amount of time she was here. I explained why she was coming, we had a big talk and he said that he wanted me to face my fear and stay in on my own when he was at work. He felt that it wasn't helping me and not the kids either.
One particular night I fell to pieces and ended up calling my mum who brought my grandparent to stay for the night. When dh returned the next day he was furious that I'd just crumbled at the first hurdle and not tried. Again we had the whole problem out and he said under no terms was my family or anyone else to come and stay with me until I started to feel better and faced things on my own.
To a degree I can see his point and I will have to do it.
I have done it on 2 occasions since, not felt great doing it but have done it.
This week dh is away Monday to Friday and is quite away away. I managed last night but tonight I have crumbled in a big way. As we speak my mum is returning to my house after only leaving 3 and a half hours ago.
I begged my dh earlier in the evening on the phone to be ok with my mum staying but he was very angry and upset and said that if she stopped he wouldn't come home at all.

I've now come to a very bad point with the anxiety, to the extent that I'm becoming slightly nervous about going out unless I'm with someone and I can't think, talk or watch anything to do with hospitals as it makes me feel on edge.
I've spoke to my HV and seen my GP who have both been amazing and I have been refered for CBT which I start on the 2nd of next month. I have also done the Edinburgh test which came out at 11 but I know its not depression.

I dont know what to do now or where to go from here. Dh has made his stance. We did speak later on this eveing and he told me he loved me very much but is adament that things need to be done his way for me to get better.
I have tried to tell him that I don't think he understands how I feel totally, which he doesn't believe and that I just can't jump in at the deep end and do it all at once.
How do I go on about explaining this to him and what do I do for the next few days?
I really do not know how I'm going to go on. I also have to go away on Friday for a few days which I am dreading too.

If you've managed to read all this then thank you very much. I may not be back to the thread in the next few hours but will certainly come back later.

OP posts:
Eeek · 21/10/2006 21:06

I'm not depressed and when my dh is away I always make sure my mum and dad visit. Looking after children is bloody hard work and anyone wants some back up. I don't see why your dh should have such a problem with it. Your problems just make having help more sensible.

As a flying phobic and someone frightened of heights I have to say that anyone who tells me to 'snap out of it' or that I should just face my fears and get over them would get a hefty whack! Yes your fear is irrational - you know that - but it doesn't help. If anything it makes it worse. You should be able to rely on him for help whatever state you're in!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 21:12

itstough

I am so so sad for you. I know how miserable this is and how you are feeling right now. I have been there.

I think your DH is being a bit of a selfish twunt, to be perfectly honest. For whatever reason he doesnt appear able to deal with the fact that you have an illness. Let me say that again in bold letters.

YOU HAVE AN ILLNESS

No amount of "throwing you in at the deep-end" or getting you to "snap out of it" is going to make you better. Depression and anxiety just dont work like that. He needs to understand this. Perhaps his is scared, or doesnt know how to deal with it properly. Although the way you describe it, it looks shockingly like you are "inconveniencing" his work schedule.

When I had PND I struggled to get out the house at all. I managed the weekly shop and doctors appointments - at a push (didnt want the HV coming round and asking me why). I HATED DP going to work. Really hated it. Sobbed the moment he went out the door. Spent the whole day yearning for him to come back. I dont know why his presence made a difference. I just felt "safe" when he was there. That the pressure was off. If I made a mistake - he could fix it. He tried his best to understand but he couldnt. I needed people to be around me. I felt like I was drowning when I was on my own. Im guessing this is exactly how you feel?

He also didnt want me to take ADs (was frightened I would become addicted but of course you cant get addicted to SSRI's).

A year down the line I would say I am 100% better. Im still on AD's and had to have the dosage upped to get the full effect. But I am better.

I wrote a bit on depression a bit a while ago to show DP how it was. It helped him get his head around how it felt.

I think CBT will help you with your anxiety, most definitely. But you do sound depressed and I think it is definitely worth considering AD's.

CAT me if you want to talk about this more.
x

ScreamandYellowFeathers · 21/10/2006 21:22

I may as well come out as I dont see the point in changing my name.

VVV, thats exactly the problem. He does not accept that it is an illness. It makes him cross when people refer to it as mental health.
You were also right about the work thing. Not so much inconvieniencing but the fact that if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid and that bothers him. Money always does.

I was offered AD's when I suffered with my dd. I think it was Citalopram but I never took them because like your dh he thought they would be addictive and that I could do it without them.
Did you start a thread about what you wrote because I think I read it. It was very good.

I'm not convinced I am depressed because when I am not alone I feel perfectly fine. Obviously I have the niggling feeling that dh will be leaving to go to work on certain days but apart from that I would say I am my "normal" self.
But having said all that, if the CBT lady thinks I will benefit from them, then I think I'll have to take them because the thought of having panic attacks like the other night was horrendous to put it mildly.

Raggydoll · 21/10/2006 21:32

your dh is trivialising the situation somewhat and also being a little selfish. However I think men in general do tend to see a problem and want to solve it in the most efficient way possible eg his suggestion to face your fear or 'snap out of it' - my husband certianly finds it hard to just listen and be supportive without tring to 'fix it'. In any case your dh is not your priority - you are - do whatever you think will help you to feel better and then deal with dh later when you are stronger.

lulumama · 21/10/2006 21:32

ADs are not addictive and you can't do without them

if you had a chest infection would he stop yuo taking antibiotics and just 'will' youself better...

why has he a problem accepting it as an illness.. is he frightended by the depresdion..if he admits it is real he has to deal with it?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 21:37

He needs to realise that depression is down to a chemical imbalance in the brain - brought about ante-natally and post-natally by hormone changes/illness/trauma of childbirth/lack of sleep.

Your brain stops producing seratonin/distributing seratonin properly and therefore, taking AD's assists in you being able to do this. They help to produce/distribute seratonin properly for your brain and thus making you "feel" better. It can take a few weeks for you to feel the effects, but they do work. You take them for at least 6 months, after which time or whenever you are ready, you slowly withdraw from them so that your brain starts to produce/distribute seratonin on its own again (bit like jump starting a car in slow motion). Please explain this to him.

I will find a link to the thread i started - print it off and show him.

Remind me yellowfeathers - what was your name before again?

TheDaVinciCod · 21/10/2006 21:40

oui rememerv that thread abotu st tanias letter?
you need to find that

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 21:40

here

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 21:41

St tanias letter?

ScreamandYellowFeathers · 21/10/2006 21:44

It was Nbg.
Thank you for explaining that VVV. That does help, I think it will help dh understand it better in those terms too.

lulumama, you are right. He has said though if thats what I need to do then I should just get them. I think he worrys about side effects, me being dopey or something silly like that.

ScreamandYellowFeathers · 21/10/2006 21:47

Yep, I read that when you posted it.
Just read it again and its made me cry. Probably because its so so true.

lulumama · 21/10/2006 21:48

there will be side effects...the best one being you'lll feel better!!

some nausea. shaky hands possibly..dry mouth are the most common ones......but it passes....

tranqulizers are addictive and can make you dopey...Ads, esp the newer SSRIs are so different....

ScreamandYellowFeathers · 21/10/2006 21:51

Lol, yes that would be a welcome side effect.

I guess I can cope with shaky hands. Can't be anything compared to the shakes I get when I have a panic attack.

I have to go to bed now ready to be woke at 4:30am but I'll come back to this again in the morning.

Thank you all so much for your advice. It is helping and it nice to know your not alone.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 22:16

Oh bloody hell yes! Nbg. Its a very lonely place, and a lonely diagnosis. I found MN a great place to find comfort.

i just get a dry mouth with mine.

lulumama · 21/10/2006 22:22

sleep well....xx

lulumama · 21/10/2006 22:22

sleep well....xx

lulumama · 21/10/2006 22:22

sleep well....xx

lulumama · 21/10/2006 22:22

sleep well....xx

Smurfgirl · 21/10/2006 22:23

YF (you are in N.Y yes?) I am at uni at the moment and so not at home, but when I do go back ot my parents to stay which I am sure I will at some point soon its dead easy to get to where you live now. I am only young and have no kids I know but if you ever want a coffee or a chat I am always free when I am at my mum and dads. This is a big vague but if you are interested i can give you a shout out when i come back home i have had MH issues myself and it is devestating so i understand a bit. Take care x

foundintranslation · 21/10/2006 22:27

VVV has given some excellent advice YF.

I have never been depressed, but I have suffered from acute anxiety and also, at times, could not bear to be alone. That, too, was not something I could snap out of. Depression and anxiety are very close cousins and have similar effects.

It is really imperative that if your dh cannot be made to understand (some people will/do not, out of fear or stigma: my parents always freaked at anything to do with 'mental problems' (their words), and accused me of 'doing it deliberately') that you still do what you and the people looking after you consider you need.

Sleep well.

MortuaryAnyone · 21/10/2006 22:28

If you need help and dh is away then I think you should look to your parents for support. Thinking of you.

ScreamandYellowFeathers · 22/10/2006 20:12

Thanks everyone

Smurf, that would be lovely . How are the wedding plans coming on? Did you pick a venue?

I've been feeling pretty good today. I put all my energy into stripping wallpaper lol but it gave me something else to focus on.
After chatting about the AD's its made me seriously consider them, especially if they can lift the way I feel at times.
Not long now for the CBT.

estobi1 · 23/10/2006 14:17

Hi there how are you feeling today? Hope things are going better. I moved to a new area a year ago and live a similar distance to family. Whilst I have tried to make friends it is not easy, let alone having such a small baby so don't expect too much of yourself.

I think you have got the right attitude in setting yourself achieveable tasks like wallpapering. I find that if I am having a hard day I set myself a small objective (not a task, just something that I aim to do) so that I can achieve it and feel like I have had a successful day. When my DD was tiny my objective would often be to go out by 3pm. If I managed to do that I would feel like I was coping.

Good luck I hope things get easier for you xx

Smurfgirl · 23/10/2006 18:00

YF I am glad you are feeling ok today! V.brave for wallpapering

I have heard amazing things about CBT, I did not have it but therapy changed my life!

We have booked the wedding yes 11th October 2008 {http://www.headlamhall.co.uk\at Headlam Hall}

Am prob coming home in Nov so will give you a shout out then (you can come to some ever so exciting wedding fairs with me )!

Take care x x

Smurfgirl · 23/10/2006 18:01

wank

Headlam Hall