Am i depressed or just plain mad?

[ratclare]

I really really want another baby but my DH doesnt , i have tried to explain to him that what i feel at the moment is like grief , i can wake up in a morning like today and the first thought is i am never going to have another child and i burst into tears . this happens at varying times through the day ,driving to the supermarket , walking the dog ,making tea . I will sometimes manage a week without crying but I cannot see a future for me , i gave up smoking ,lost weight ,started running all to improve chances of concieving and now i dont know why i bothered ,it all seems totally pointless . Neither of my other children were planned and i dont know whether part of me is just yearning for a child that is wanted from the start (obviousley i wanted both from the moment i knew i was pregnant). My husband isnt the father of ds ,and we had literally just got together when pregnant with dd . I feel as though he doesnt want a child with me because i am so crap , do you think i will continue to feel like this until i can no longer have a child ? I have been wanting one for the last 3 years . Any thoughts gratefully recieved

Seems to me that you're pushing him to prove his feelings for you. I know loads of men who 'take on' someone else's child and then just have one of their own. I think we underestimate how stressful young babies are for men sometimes. My husband now says he felt he 'lost' me for several years. Your feelings re: wanting another baby are very strong but I think you'll be putting strain on your relationship if you push it. Can you have a calm discussion with him about how he feels and his reasons for not wanting another. If you can accept the situation it will give you a chance to move on and feel more positive - you'll still be crying for as long as you tell yourself there's a glimmer of hope for another baby.

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i know my husband found it very difficult to adjust to having a small child around ,my son was 7 when we got together and a very well behaved child. My husband had spent the last 15 years doing as he pleased and i think he found it all very stressful , especially as i breastfed for 13 months . My daughter didnt sleep well either which didnt help . I think now she is at school he is back in his comfort zone , he works long hours and usually gets back when she is just about to go to bed ,he baths her maybe once a month if i ask him to . Because he works long hours and i do all my housework /shopping on a saturday he gets saturday off , he goes out in a morning and comes back at tea time ,he has done this since dd a baby . I know this sounds bizzare but i think i could cope with not having another child if i was on my own again. Its the idea of being with someone who you love who doesnt want a child with you that i find incredibly difficult .perhaps if he had a vasectomy then as fortyplus said there would be no chance and i could move on

I have tried to have the calm talk but i end up getting really emotional and have to give up. He says i get like this about every thing i want ,i totally focus on it to the detriment of everything else . I got a dog even though he said he didnt want one ,which i know was incredibly selfish, I feel a bit like a child in our reltionship. I have no financial control ,anything i want he has to want too ,but doesnt work in reverse with him because its his money. I have wondered about trying to go to relate but he poo poos the idea .

It sounds to me like there are more issues here than just wanting another baby. I had a friend in a simillar situation who admitted, once she had that baby, that it was probably just filling a gap. It sounds harsh but I think you need to sort out your other issues (like financial control, care of you existing kids) before you have another child with this man.

It sounds like this is all about control - the way you paint the picture is that he lives his life totally separate from you and gets to do exactly what he wants when he wants to.

I imagine part of your desperate longing for a child is to do with wanting affection from him and also wanting to have something for yourself because it doesn't sound like he is being very kind to you and tbh, your life doesn't sound like it is giving you much pleasure.

Have you thought about having counselling on your own? He doesn't have to come with you at first - perhaps if you could sort out your feelings and try and understand what is going on, you would be in a stronger position to deal with dh.

I will also say though that both my children were unplanned - especially my first (I knew I wanted a second but didn't imagine I would fall pregnant so quickly so there was an element of planning). I too went through a stage where I desperately wanted another child but one that I had totally planned myself - I now realise that this was as much about getting an element of control back in my life as it was trying to 'right the wrongs' of my first pregnancy (I was in denial for all of it really). We never had a third and I am eternally grateful for that!

I feel really awful , my dh is actually a very affectionate person towards me and i do truly believe he really loves me. You may be right that i am trying to right wrongs in so far as i would really love a planned child ,but is that enough of a reason to bring a child into the world . Another issue that perhaps has some bearing on all this is that i felt very let down by his attitude towards money re buying things for dd when she was a baby and our wedding , i wanted him to want the best for his child but he just wanted whatever was cheapest ,which is what i had to do with my son being a single parent and i hoped that we could have nice things .My wedding ended up being a cheap affair aswell ,him not being too bothered because he had been married before , we still havent sent off for the wedding photos because to be quite honest i dont care ,they remind me of what i didint have . Perhaps this is the main issue i need to resolve ?

ratclare - read through what you've written and you have already done most opf your own counselling - you know yourself better than you realise.