hating myself

[Asdfqwerty]

I've name changed for this for various reasons, mainly I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't really expect replies but I just need to write it out and I have no where else.

I started self harming when I was about 12 with cutting and scraping myself. I was put on anti depressants and saw various psychologists/counsellors/ psychiatrists from then on until about 3 years ago when I thought I was better.
At about 16 I stopped the self harm I was doing and moved on to using alcohol to feel better, I smoked a lot too which calmed me (and on a simple level gave me an excuse to go out and calm down from situations I couldn't handle).
I stopped all that when I fell pregnant at 22.
I have now come to the realisation that I've just replaced all of that with using food at the times I would have done other things and I'm scared it's killing me. I'm so fat and I just keep doing it. I'm wasting my life due to these stupid feelings.
And now I'm thinking I'd have been better off how I was to start with, it's sounds the more shocking option to people but sore skin heals and it was less dangerous than this slow burn damage to myself.
I have a really good life, husband and kids who love me and I have no right to be being so stupid. I don't want to leave my kids but I'm so toxic and when the low moods are here then I'm useless and potentially harmful to their future (I wouldn't hurt them but I know from my own childhood how crap it is when a parent isn't doing good).
Sorry this is such an essay, I'm 31 now, that's nearly 20 years of thinking I'm ok and then slumping again, I'm just so tired.

Hi, Based purely on what you have written, something happened when you were a child, which has lead to this cycle of behaviours. As I think you know one thing has been replaced with another, which I would say means you're actually on the right path. The fact that you have said something is the first step. BUT, unless you go down the painful path of exploring and properly dealing with what ever it was that happened, you won't be able to move forward. I had problems in my childhood and I had what I used to call 'low spots' or 'black spots'. Times when I could get up get the children to school make dinner - the essentials, but that was it. The rest of the time I couldn't get my butt off the sofa! I made the decision a little over a year ago to do something about it and went to see the doctor who refered me for councilling (sorry can't spell). I'm not 'cured', but the councilling helped me to turn things around and look at them from a different angle. I know you've tried it before, but you're an adult now, you will be able to see things differently. You have a supportive husband, you have children that love you. Just because you have a 'good life' does not mean you can not feel the way you do, nor should you feel ashamed. Start with your husband and GP. Living life the way you are is exhausting, I did it for 20yrs as well, but you can turn this around. Good luck.

Thank you for replying. I'm struggling with the thought of more counselling I suppose as it just never seems to get to the crux of why I'm feeling the way I do, I really don't know and lots of times I've ended up just discussing things like the weather as it's not like any obvious cause, which wastes both mine and the counsellors time. I've discussed my childhood with them but it's just like telling a story of that makes sense, it doesn't really feel like it affects me day to day.
On the otherhand i feel scared by the thought of going back on anti depressants and feeling so flat again. I'm not sure if peaks and troughs of feelings is better or worse than flat, when the troughs are so low but then at least I get the peaks?
I know I need to do something and the gp does make sense, thank you so much for 'listening' to me, otherwise it just churns round and round!

I do understand how you feel. But I would say thinking can sometimes be your own worst enemy, especially when you start to try to analyse your own answers! Perhaps you haven't had the right type of councilling. It is so important to keep talking, but you need to make sure you are talking to the right people. Now I am the queen of over thinking and reading things into things so just to be clear, that didn't mean I or anyone else on this site doesn't want to listen, but we can't offer or help you access the sort of help your GP or a councilor can. I/we will listen but it is crucial you don't rely only on us. If talking about your childhood is like telling a story is it possible that something happened or events simply accumulated which have led to you becoming detached from your childhood, so that when you speak of it, it's as if you are talking about someone else's, thereby protecting yourself from possible pain.