Going back to work and the darkness is back. Just need a listening ear...

[blueberrypudding]

I've suffered from depression most of my adult life and have been on Citalopram on and off since university. When I first had DD I had really bad PND/anxiety and my OH had to take time off work to help with the baby. It got so much better recently and DD has been absolutely lovely to be around. She's still a handful but I love her to bits and miss her every time I'm not with her.

I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks and last night it just hit me like a brick wall, the same hovering cloud of darkness that makes me dread getting up in the morning. I'm so devastated about leaving DD at nursery and today I can barely keep it together. I just CCed DD for her nap for the first time because I just couldn't take her trying to crawl all over my face as she fights sleep for the first twenty minutes and tries to get off the bed as she usually does (we co-sleep for naps, usually). It's left me feeling rotten and like I've betrayed her, and I feel like she's going to hate me when she wakes up.

To add to that, DD's got a cold and has refused milk and food, and the worry is driving me crazy. She's getting so mad at me for trying to make her eat/drink.

The dishes aren't done, the washing is lying crumpled in the dryer.

God, I'm pathetic.

She won't hate you.

Would it be worth going back to the doctor and seeing if you can get a raise in medication? Sometimes that can really help during difficult times. Also letting others know and help.

I think going back to work and having to leave a baby or young child in a nursery is a big deal for most mothers (and some fathers) but it is obviously so much worse for you blueberry given your psychiatric history. How old is your DD and are you going back to work full or part time. Is it a stressful job? It sounds like you are suffering from anxiety and that's not really surprising.

I don't know what CCed means but I think if you don't mind my saying, your "over thinking" this (though not sure what that means) and there is no way your DD is going to hate you. Maybe the feelings that you have betrayed her are feelings that you have about leaving her in the nursery, and that's not at all unusual. Also it's probably best not to force DD to eat and drink when she doesn't want it - she won't come to any harm not eating very well for a few days but she needs to drink. I don't think babies have fruit juice these days do they - my grandchildren are only allowed water (they are all over 5 now) as that might be better than milk.

I take it that you have to go back to work? I think once DD has settled in the nursery (and this can take a little while) and you have actually got the first few days of work under your belt you might feel better. Sometimes worrying about something makes us worse than actually doing it. Easy to say I know.

Maybe young mums will be along with their own experiences soon.