I know the title is awful, I know I am awful, but I cannot help the way I feel. I am so sick, so messed up. But I can't help but feel this way. I am 4 weeks pregnant and I want to die. I've been going through the plans of how to do it in my head for a while now. I just don't see how a person like me can raise a child in this world.
My mother died when I was 8. My father started physically and sexually abusing me when I was 12. He got me pregnant at 15, but I had an abortion. What happened it mny childhood has left me deeply scarred. I didn't have consensual sex until last year.
I'm currently carrying my boyfriend's baby (he doesn't know). But I can't have this child. I cannot. I would make a terrible mother. When my father raped me, he always said how he wanted to make me pregnant and how he wanted me to have his child. Not that I am pregnant again I keep thinking about what happened and it's driving me crazy. Yesterday I scratched my skin on my arm so vigorously it started bleeding because I just couldn't cope. I can't be a mother. And I can't go through another abortion. The easiest way out at this point seems suicide. I know I'm a terrible fucking person - that's two babies I will have exterminated. But I can't do it.