Feeling cheated and sad...

[Verso]

This is awful, but I feel really low today because one of my best friends gave birth and had an ok time.

The reason it's awful is that I had a horrible time, and I'm jealous . (Multiple internal lacerations, third degree tear, four days of diarrhoea and dehydration from the medication I was sent home with and a stern lecture from some social workers when I was readmitted to hospital in a state of collapse).

Will I always feel this bitter? Has anyone else had a 'bad' birth and got over it?

Thing is, my DD is AMAZING and I've never ever doubted having her at all - just I went through such trauma having her that I get really angry almost when other people have an easier time.

I am a cow, aren't I? I feel I want to shout 'I got to 8cm on gas and air'! so people know I wasn't just some kind of idiot for not being able to push her out without ventouse and forceps...

Sorry. I'm rambling. Forgot to take my Citalopram this am and with my friend giving birth today I'm not in the best frame of mind it seems!

Can anyone identify or sympathise... even a little bit?

Verso - this is so sad

Have you had a chance to talk through the birth with the head of midwifery at the hospital you delivered at. It might help you put some of these feelings to bed.

I think it is possible to have a kind of post traumatic stress disorder after a traumatic delivery and you might find 'talking it out' might help.

You are not horrible and bitter - you just have soem unresolved issues. Try and get some help, so that you are not carrying this around for the rest of your life

You had a horrible birth. She didn't. Of course it is ok to be jealous - you are not exactly going to go round and tell her are you! How old is your dd?

You're not a cow and anyone whothinksyou're an idiot for not pushing her out isn't worth any of your time.

I thinkit's normal to be jealous.I know I have to hide the little green eyed monster when I hear about someones 'perfect' birth. Of course I'm happy for them, but it doesn't stop you feeling a bit and that you didn'tget that experience too.

birth trauma

Have a look at this site, you sound like you need to overcome your experience...I've only just managed to get over feeling like you; I had a good birth, this following two really crappy experiences.

How old is your DD? maybe you need to give yourself a bit more time before trying to be rational

Thanks so much for your messages, and being so kind to me. I feel so horrible for not being 100% happy for my friend.

My DD is 18 months, and brilliant. I wrote a formal complaint to the hospital (God knows how, when I was so ill and DD had colic and was BF all round the clock - but anyway!)... and ended up having a meeting with the head of midwifery. She made loads of promises, including asking me to help edit a new leaflet about third degree tears - one of my (many) complaints was about the paltry info given straight after birth when you're still high on epidural and morphine and can't remember a thing!

Only problem is she left the hospital the week after our meeting so of course nothing ever happened.

I had postnatal counselling - which basically got me back to something like 'normal' again - and most of the time, I really DO feel I've put it behind me.

Just today triggered off some really strong feelings in me. I just wish ... you know? Just wish I'd been one of those women coo-ing at their newborn and not feeling like I'd been torn in half...

Mind you, I DID coo at my newborn and got told off by the midwife for 'still' having her in my arms after a feed. sigh

Guess I should just be happy my friend didn't go through what I did - but I still feel angry that my antenatal classes in no way prepared me for the barbarism (is that a word?) of giving birth...

Verso sorry your birth experience was so traumatic. Just wanted to say that your post rang true with me - was thinking of posting similar in fact. A couple of friends have recently given birth and they sem so HAPPY. I had PND and the only way I can describe how I feel is jealous....but at the sam etime feel really bad for not feeling 100% happy for them IYKWIM?

Just thought it might be nice to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel. Oh and my birth was not great either but in different ways to yours and I am getting over it....but ds is now 3.3 and it's taken a while

just wanted to say ur not alone-many other mums have felt like this(especially with first baby when u put ur faith in the medical proffesion)and here is a link to a thread that was on here a while ago on the same subject,which may help u
traumatic birth thread

It's a natural feeling.
A woman on Woman's hour recently described how even now in 2006 she still resented the birth she had in the 1970s. It's such a significant event.
I suppose life just isn't fair and isn't supposed to be easy.

I know 'life isn't supposed to be easy'. I'm not saying that it should be. FGS, my father died when I was eighteen and my sister died of a brain tumour when I was fourteen (she was 19 - totally unexpected) so I bloody know life isn't easy. God - you must think I'm some whingeing simpleton or something.

Never mind. I think some of you 'got' what I meant re the envying someone's easy birth - for which, many thanks.

Message withdrawn

I know how you feel - I had a crappy birth with dd1, v long and resorted to epidural therefore felt like a total failure and was jealous of other mums who had managed not to have an epidural... my experience doesn't sound as bad as yours, in fact i sound like a total wimp in comparison but I do know how you feel RE the jealousy thing, and how guilty it makes you feel to be jealous of other's good fortune.

I think both the NCT and the NHS does a sterling job in making women aware of intervention-free births these days. However I also feel that the emphasis given to natural 'perfect' births has made a lot of women feel inadequate and sad at a time when their hormones are all over the place and really the 'perfection' of the birth is no longer important.

FWIW I found having an easier birth with dd2 competely chased away the ghosts that haunted me after the birth of dd1, I hope the same happens for you one day! If not, please be assured there are so many other women out there that feel similar to you.

i still get angrty when i think about ds1's birth nearly 9 years ago,when i was injected with pethidine and morphine without me even knowing what they were.dd1's birth 11 months later wasnt much better,but ds and dd2's births (at a decent hospital)were wonderful...i can say hand on heart that i enjoyed giving birth to dd2
life isnt meant to be easy()but childbirth doesnt have to be traumatic and you dont have to suffer alone.

oh i forgot the bit about my ex sil giving birth 9 months after i had ds1,she had a 20 minute labour and no pain relief.and walked out of hospital in her pre-preg jeans.

That's just not normal, divastrop. She's obviously an alien .

Thanks so much to all of you for your kind, kind messages. Sorry I got all cross last night about the 'easy life' comment!

I wish none of us had had to go through this, btw. It's fantastic to get the support on here, but it does make me wonder what so many women go through, and all of you who have empathised with me get my total sympathy back.