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Mental health

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Original poster

dp's feelings about having a baby

16 replies

puffling · 13/10/2006 20:02

My partner adores our 7 month old dd and loves to cuddle her, bath her etc. He's also obsessed with how much she eats, drinks and with her health, constantly taking her temperature and montitoring changes in her.
However, he can't bear to see her unhappy and really lacks confidence to spend time alone looking after her, in fact he point blank refuses to, which means that I have no freedom to do simple things like going to the dentist, getting my hair cut etc. When she cries through teething etc. he just crumbles, saying her can't cope and reminding me that he never wanted children. I find this so disheartening and fear that she'll sense his tension.
He's just had a really bad phase of having to sleep alone in the spare room because it's further from her room, so he doesn't have to hear her cry. He's also waking in the night unable to get back to sleep.
I want him to relax and want us both to enjoy our little girl. I'm at a loss to know what we/he can do to get past what I'm hoping is a phase. I've talked to him about counselling/seeing the doctor, but he really doesn't think anything will help him.
I'd love to hear from anyone who's been through a similar situation and really hope that things will improve.
Thanks for taking the time to read this
Dawnx

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 13/10/2006 20:06

Oh the silly bugger.

I can't really relate to the lacking confidence bit but I know the "I never wanted children" line. and I think that's the root of it all tbh: you can get over the baby nerves - most of us had them the first few days. You need to put a stop to it. Point out that it doesn't matter who wanted what, that your dd is here now and both your responsibilities. Then if i were you i think I would make a date to go out leaving him in charge in a few days time, whether he likes it or not.

SenoraPostrophe · 13/10/2006 20:07

ps - also for baby related insomnia, I recommend ear plugs.

lulumama · 13/10/2006 20:08

oh dear - what a dichotomy

he loves her and coddles her too much but reminds you he never wanted children.

do you think he cannot cope with how much he loves her now she is here and feels terrible guilt that he never wanted her that he expresses by this over protectiveness......therefore when she is in pain or upset, he feels somehow he is to blame, that she knows he didn;t want her initially....

suejoneziscalmernow · 13/10/2006 20:09

I don;t mean to sound flippant but can a man have PND?

lulumama · 13/10/2006 20:13

not flippant - think this is more than new baby nerves...

SenoraPostrophe · 13/10/2006 20:21

if that was in response to my comment, lulumama, that's exactly what I meant. doesn't sound like depression as such, but could be I suppose. Either way I don't think it's something that will just pass I'm afraid, puffling. Just going out (possibly with some kind of emergency plan in place) would still be my first attempt at action though.

JennyLee · 13/10/2006 20:40

puffling let him know he can't keep using that line as your child is here now, and he is still with you , you are together as a family so if he really didn't want a child he would ahve left. really get him to stop using that line, the child will be around all the time for the next 16 years at least.
Mine did that too he was overwhelmed for about the first year and a half and leaving him with the baby didnt work well as he crumbled untill I came home and then was angry and felt useless. I think he will realise it is permanent eventually and will mature a bit and get used to looking after the baby even when she is sick. once my ds was about 1 and a half and was easier to look after - meaning it is not as life and death at that age if dh's make little mistakes , my dh became much better and now although he is a bit lazy and I do all the practical care he can be left with ds even when ds is very ill from around 2 years old and upwards,

the point i am making - badly lol is it might be as you baby is so young at the moment and may improve when the baby is older and not as fragile. oh and dh never uses that line now and stopped using it after about a year. but I know it can be hurtful, it is a way of deflecting responsibility onto you as if only you own the baby and he says it becsue he is overwhelmed and scared of the responsibility but I bet he does love your child so much.

JennyLee · 13/10/2006 20:47

becoming a father is big thing for them too, their identity and lifestyle changes and they are sometimes totally shocked b ythe responsibility, my dh told me years later he just felt inadequate and like he did know what to do with the baby as well as total love and adoration for it, and to be honest I think he would be the somwhat similar if we had another one as babies are just so fragile to him and get sick really quick and scream a lot and it gets pretty scary sometimes. Also At the time I was like - get stuffed , if I have to do it you have to ,, but i did not know he would change so it must feel quite hard for you at the moment, but really it might be a phase

lulumama · 13/10/2006 20:51

was just paraphrasing what you said, not disagreeing senorapostraphe!

mum2monkeys · 13/10/2006 21:10

Agree with Jenny lee, think men really do find it difficult coping after the baby arrives, just don't think the reality/responsibility of the situation hits home until they see the little one, where as us mums have 9 months of getting used to the idea - even then it's a shock can remember thinking the first time I was left alone with my dd thinking 'what the fuck am I meant to do with a baby'

Also think men find it harder to express how they are feeling at times like these, a lot of shame/embarrassment and conflicting emotions going on.

Hope you can get him to open up a bit, but would say a softly softly approach is your best option, sorry not much help....

Judy1234 · 13/10/2006 21:48

He just has to put up with it. A child has two parents. He's failing in his duties as a father. He should have her as much as you if you both work or at least equal times at weekends and he'll just have to lump it if he finds the crying hurts his precious little feelings. What if you felt the same - the child would then be in care.

lulumama · 13/10/2006 21:52

i really think this is more than not being bothered or being scared - could genuinely need some help coming to terms with having a child....and dumping baby on him will not help initially! and could lead to more resentment.

it;s the issue of not wanting to hear her cry / see her upset/ obsessing etc contrasted with saying he never wanted her that points to deeper psycho;ogical issues.

if a new mum had come on here saying this, i don;t think anyone would say she was failing in her duties as a mother.......

lulumama · 13/10/2006 21:52

it;s the issue of not wanting to hear her cry / see her upset/ obsessing etc contrasted with saying he never wanted her that points to deeper psycho;ogical issues.

if a new mum had come on here saying this, i don;t think anyone would say she was failing in her duties as a mother.......

JennyLee · 13/10/2006 22:04

Dont dump it i did for a job that lasted 3 hours a day and when i got back baby was shivering and coverd in milk wearing just a vest and nappy and dh was beside himself with stress and uspet that i lef tthem when he did not know what to do - so he said anyway, that job lasted 3 hours would you dump a stressed out woman with your baby who said she can not cope with it?

JennyLee · 13/10/2006 22:05

also did not really dump my baby was being sarcastic. i was trying to work to get money for my fmaily in those days

nearlythree · 13/10/2006 22:13

I definitely think your dp has some kind of anxiety disorder about your dd. Our kids ahve been sick and both dh and I have anxiety of some kind about them. My dh is like yours in that he too worries about their temps, eating, fluids etc. The reason your dp can't bear to hear your dd cry is his (probably unconscious) fear that she is really ill. Her cries probably crank up his anxiety levels until he cannot cope with it. And saying he didn't want kids is self-protection - it's a way of trying not to bond with your dd in case something happens as he would find the pain unbearable.

With anxiety the worse thing you can do is force someone to confront their fears, so leaving dd with him is a non-starter. But you can find another babysitter or try Homestart to see if they have a volunteer who can give you a break.

Get your dp a book by Claire Weekes about self-help with your nerves - the title escapes me right now but search Amazon for her and it will come up. And I had a thread on this topic called Drug Free Ways of Coping With Anxiety which has loads of advice - would link you to it but haven't mastered them after four yrs of being here!

I really feel for you, but also feel for your dp. Anxiety is horrible and debilitating, it ruins how much enjoyment you can get out of life. But it does pass and he will not feel like it forever. Giving him a chance to talk about it will help. He could also try something like St. John's Wort as a herbal remedy.

HTH

N3xxxx

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