I'd not cut in more than ten years, but today I felt I had no choice. I needed to get my feelings out and I couldnt I just felt sick and numb.
H left his phone at home when he went to work this morning, I'd not even noticed it was there till he called me in a bit of a panic telling me not to touch it and just turn it off and leave it alone.
Who wouldn't look at it after that? He doesn't realise that his PIN number and passwords are the same for everything so thinks I wouldn't be able to access his phone, I looked in his texts and nothing out of order, I felt I was being stupid and paranoid but I couldn't help checking in his internet, he had tabs open to my facebook, logged in to my account and more disturbing a swinging meet up site and one to meet gay men for sex, I panicked and closed them down, then I went on my phone and logged into his accounts, he had pictures of himself up and messages arranging to meet at our house on the only day in the week I go out, and offering to meet up in hotels when he's working away.
I've suspected him of the same thing before but according to his account he signed up at around the time I was diagnosed with severe depression and was suicidal, I was suicidal and he was sharing pictures of his cock with strange men and probably fuckin g them too. I've permanently erased his profiles on both sites but I don't know what to do if I confront him it'll ruin Christmas for everyone but I obviously can't let it go, my leg is all cut up now too so he will notice that I tried the other ways of preventing myself SHing ice, drawing with felt pen etc but it didn't help, I didn't feel I had a choice, now I'm still confused and upset but now my leg hurts too.
I've cleaned and dressed the cuts and waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back.
I'm safe, I'll not hurt myself again today, Im going to pick ds up from school and I'll put on a happy face for him and not let him see my pain.
I can't even leave I jave no money or anywhere else to go.