Struggling caring for someone with borderline personality disorder

[Sistermoondance]

Hi there, I am new here and I am just feeling so down and tearful today when I need to keep strong.

My teenage step daughter is temporarily living with us. She has been diagnosed with an emotional dysregulation disorder. She is lovely and I know that it is best that she lives with us, but it is so hard and stressful! i feel as though I am constantly walking on egg shells and I find it frustrating that we have to let her do things that i don't think she should because otherwise she'll just go and live with her mum. Her mum is also lovely but is more like a friend and doesn't like confrontation so let's my SD do what she likes most of the time which we feel doesn't help her to cope with situations that she may not find pleasant.

I want to support my husband and do the best I can for my SD but it is so stressful that it makes my husband and I quite grumpy and we do take it out on each other. When she goes back to her mums for a few days it is like a weight is lifted off our shoulders, and sometimes I just want to tell her to go home. I feel awful for even thinking that. I just feel that she is being manipulative all the time and I never know what to believe anymore. She is always asking for things and I am resenting saying yes more and more. I am finding this so hard :-( I can't concentrate on work today and just want to curl up in a corner and cry :-(

Does anyone know of any good online support groups for parents with children with mental health issues?

Thanks

I don't think this is necessarily due to the PD, but more to do with her Mum and Dad not putting in proper boundaries that means she can get away with asking for stuff.

Having a PD doesn't mean that you get everything you want. A lack of boundaries will make it much, much worse when she is older and in the real world, where things just don't work like that.

If the real reason why you have to give in to her is because she'll go off and live with her mum and her dad doesn't want that, then that's the problem you need to tackle. If he won't then he's not doing her any favours at all.

I don't know what to suggest other than getting your DH to face up to the fact that he's not helping his daughter by not having boundaries.

Thanks for replying. I do see what you mean- but there are just so many things that are no enforced my her mum that if we tackled them all I would be asking her to do stuff constantly! Like, she doesn't tidy her room, bring dishes down, put her laundry in the basket, wash up or do any chores at her mums AT ALL, my little one helps out far more. Then she expects to have friends over or be out every single night and is always later than her curfew, she can't get up for college- we have to go in to wake her about 10times (I am not kidding) and she still tries to be late on the off chance we'll give her I lift which we don't often do unless raining or something. She constantly asks for lifts and if they are not forthcoming she asks her mum who just pays for her to get a cab, she is mostly incapable of charging and not losing her phone (her mum has given her 3 iPhones to date), she rarely says thank you for anything - she just says well I didn't ask you to get it. She is continually thoughtless and everything is about her. The minute anyone else dares be ill or upset - whether it be friends or family, she suddenly is feeling more ill or feels really down and empty and doesn't know why so the focus is back on her....
The main reason we want her living here is to try to put at least some boundaries in - like not letting her smoke in the house so she smokes less, and making her get up for college so she isn't kicked out, and letting her know she should say thanks etc, but it feels overwhelming the mountain of things we need to address... :-(