Hi, i dont know what has brought me here but through tears and pain i need to put some words out there, they may fall upon death ears but this is a process i feel i need to do. Im a early 30's man who had a bad childhood (abuse, black sheep) i had trust issues i never knew my dad i was homeless at 15, i had a grotty bedsit whilst i was doing my GCSE's and a milk round to pay my rent, then when i was evicted i was in a hostel full of drug addicts, i managed to get through so many tough times i got small jobs by the time i was 19 i had gotten good at my sales job, sometimes i had money other times i didnt, i have moved 25+ times since the age of 15 had many jobs was not close with family but wanted my own family i never loved anybody i always cheated in relationships , when i was 25 i was tired of all the drama and tried to bounce back again, i did successfully and got a good job had a nice apartment i passed my driving test and then i met x, i had never had a connection to another human like i did with x she was amazing i told her things id never told anybody before i was 27 she was 25 we stayed together got closer and consider this time to be the best of my life, we decided to plan a family together, she got pregnant quickly and got this confirmed by the doctors, on our 3 month scan after reading baby books following pregnancy do's and dont's we was very close, the scan showed no baby, we had miscarried, a few months later we tried again and got pregnant with worry from the 1st time we paid for a private scan and everything was fine, we was overjoyed, the labour was 48 hours and a cesarean section was done, i held my baby as my partner was still unconscious i cried and worried but was assured all was ok, we went home 2 days later, 5 days of being home (the only 5 days we spent together as a family) she was not well, she had an infection, after transfers and medical procedures she died, she was healthy mid 20's girl, she was my world, i left my job and raise my son but the depression an pre-occupation with death haunts me, she haunts me, that life everything i wanted haunts me Im now a single dad on benefits i have support from her family which i really appreciatte but this is not enough this life is not enough i am angry that this life was stolen from me i would gladly die today if it was not for my son i am living just for my son he is the only thing i care about lufe is horrible iv bounced back so many times but this is just too much she died over 3 years ago i have had no sort of relationship and do not want to, I WANT HER BACK i am not stupid i know this isnt possible but I cannot accept this life, i strived so much to where i got to have it taken from me, if my child wasnt here id go into nothingness today and just rest, i have had too much, doctors, medication nothing helps it just provides a false sense of happiness that is quickly outweighed by sadness, uncontrollable sadness, i dont want to be here anymore but i cant leave my child an orphan. If anybody read this thank-you and be grateful for what you have. All she wanted was a family. All i wanted was a family.