Really struggling to deal with depressed DH..

[Squtternutbaush]

I know I probably sound like a selfish, ignorant twat because I know dealing with it won't exactly be a whole barell of laughs for him either but I feel like its dragging our whole family down.

3 months ago DH through a strop in work and resigned/was sacked since then he's had 3 jobs all of which have been "shite" as was his previous job and he's steadily got more and more stresses/depressed.

He used to help out around the house but now his idea of helping is to take washing off the airer and dump the pile in a room for me to put away but more seriously than that he seems to grudge spending any time with our kids because he "can't deal with the carry on". He barely speaks and spends half his bloody time sighing then claiming nothing is wrong and I work at the weekends so he has the kids then and struggles to think of anything to do with them as he gets bored so innevitibly he sits around in the house and gets more fed up. Our 8 year old son has started to make comments about his Dad being rubbish because he never does anything with them/always moans/is lazy which worries me but DH seems to think its all just a phase so doesn't take it seriously even if I nag him about it.

I'm physically and mentally exhausted trying to do everything around the house, shopping, cooking, entertaining the kids through the week and organising his weekend so that I can go to work without stressing about how the kids are but if I say anything to family/friends I'm the one being unfair or unsupportive as he's in a dark place.

Please tell me I'm not alone in feeling like this and does anyone have any tips for coping?

That was much longer than I expected sorry.

He's suffering & needs to get help - asap. This will NOT go away by itself, something has to change and it will only get worse for both of you as he gets used to being able to do nothing.

Is he ex-forces by any chance?

He's had stress meds for 2 months but they're not helping and he has an appointment next Friday to speak to doc as they suspect depression (bit bloody obvious IMHO).

He works through the week but hates his new job as its not what he expected but neither have the others. He's not ex-forces.

*threw a strop, not through.

Certainly sounds like depression- it is a torment and sucks the life out of us and the smallest thing can seem like a huge ordeal. Hope your DH gets the help he needs - depression is very common and meds are usually effective. Is this a recent thing or has he had episodes like this in the past?

Sorry I'm not being unsympathetic to your plight but mental illness is horrendous and can only be understood by those who have first hand experience. Have a look at the MIND website, which might help you to understand it more.

Hi squtter no you're not being selfish. Living with a partner with depression is absolutely exhausting, mentally, physically and emotionally. I have suffered from depression myself and have lived with dh's depression and as a mum of two I can honestly say that being the "well" one is nearly as bad.

Your dh needs to be seen by the doc. Would he let you go with him so you can make sure he's being honest in the appointment? If not, write to his doc from your perspective before his appointment. It's really important to try and do some stuff that you enjoy and be kind to yourself, I know easier said than done. At the weekends is there anyone else who could help with the kids? Could they go to a relative for one of the days?

Take care of yourself. Good luck.

I lived like you for over a year, my h was depressed but wouldn't except it. Your h sounds exactly like him and I even thought I couldn't cope anymore and started not trust myself. I was pregnant at the time and he wouldn't come near me, I felt so rejected. He came out of it on his own though but after a very long time.

Now tables have turned and I am the one with depression. The difference with me is I admit I have got it and I'm now on anti d to try to help. I feel like you have described me in your description if your h. I now know how my h felt that year. I don't want to even hug him sometimes as I feel suffocated.

Try to encourage him to get help. I know this is hard with someone who doesn't except they have a problem, I'm hoping my meds will kick in soon (only been 2 wks) coz it's not fair on my h or my kids but whatever I do I can't get the feeling away.

Am living with dh's PTSD and I know it can be devastating living with someone with mental health issues. And to make things even better there are few people who really understand what you're dealing with or how difficult it is for you and even fewer who can actually help.

3 things that are getting me through:

1.Research, lots of it. I've read books, watched ted talks & scanned the internet for info & help - I've picked up some great coping strategies & there are people & charities doing great things (which is good as the NHS doesn't fund more than six weeks of mental health care for anyone!);

2.Getting him into therapy - meds treat the symptoms but not the cause, neural pathways need to be physically re-routed to produce a more positive outlook & this requires expert guidance & practice. Also, it's been explained to him just how ill he is & that things can get better - he's so relieved to be told that actually he's not a w*ker, he's ill and much more open to treatment;

3.Finding a sounding board specifically for people in the same boat (partners/carers of those with similar mental health issues) where you can blow off steam and be understood, facebook's where I found mine but there may be other forums. The knowledge that I wasn't alone lifted a weight off my shoulders, they'll encourage you on bad days and the advice is always practical.

Went on a bit there didn't I?!

To me its screaming out that instead of trading him like a cripple that needs help he wants to be treated like a competent professional worker who got shafted and needs you to be on his side. I would guess its less depression than trying to make sense of why he feels mistreated. . its because employers are bastards! Consider focussing on all the positives.. what he was good at..about what jobs would really suit him and really be supportive of a 'roll with the punches' approach where jobs don't define him.. The tactic of gstting cash from twat employers whilst he gathers strength does instead. Work on a plan like ' six months of shite jobs then a kick ass cv' its a massive self-esteem blow he's had so build that self-esteem up. He must feel terrible so don't heap more blame on. Remind him that the job he 'lost' was crap for him .. so good riddance. . and support support support. but don't 'rescue'

It is tough but remember it's life too, and most of us have will experience it as one of the ' for better or worse' things about relationships. I've been on both sides of the coin too. Anxiety would be more prevalent in our house but dh has a tendency towards depression. I very aggressively sought treatment, dh wasn't keen so in a sense I always dealt with it outside of the house in terms of support, whereas dh sort of expects me to pull things back together for all of us when they fall apart. Yet in real terms, I think he's still traumatized by the sense of aloneness he felt when I was the ill one. Men are usually not great support seekers, they are conditioned to think they should just pull themselves together. This can complicate the illness. In practical terms, if you can get support anywhere for the house stuff, do. Get support for you - friends, carers support lines. Get out of the house and do something you enjoy, have the kids minded if he isn't able for it.

I do think it is easy to underestimate the impact of unemployment on mental health though. It's huge. It's also been a short time to come to terms with it. It really unsettled people's worlds.